I am a newbie, my H had an A over a year ago. We have worked through alot of things, and I have come to realize my shortcomings in the marriage,through reading MB books and conversations with H. I have also talked with MB counselor on phone 1 time. Many positive things have taken place in marriage, except my H still insist on talking with OW 2 to 3 times per week by phone. He says the A is over and that he is just keeping in touch as he would a friend. I have expressed my hurt with this situation, but he feels that this is my problem I need to work through it and I have admitted that maybe it is. I tried to ignore the subject for several months this summer but to no avail. Many family members and friends will be hurt if I follow through with plan B. My H has also told me that he would never stop talking with OW, and I feel that if I ask him to seperate until all contact with OW is gone he will never come back. I would love to know thoughts of others going through this situation.

Unfortunately darlin', until he completely gives up OW (talking via telephone is included), the A is not over. Like my WS, your H is a cake eater. He has the pleasure of having a wife who is loving him and willing to work on the marriage and a woman on the side who is meeting the EN's that you are not. Not that you are not trying; however, with the OW in the picture, he will never fully come to see that.

I too had the same dreaded feeling of letting my WS go. I loved him and still love him with my heart; however, I'm better than having to share. I was his wife,shared all of the ups and downs of 15 years and refuse to play second party when he feels he needs "her". So, like the old saying goes, If you love someone, set them free....and I did. It hurts; the pain is sometimes physically debilitating. But you know, when in Plan B, the pain subsides and eventually you will see your H for what he is truly doing...fence sitting, cake eating, etc. While I was doing exactly what you were doing, I didn't see it....I just couldn't. Yet, after the separation, it became more clear and then, I was almost on autopilot, I knew what I had to do to save myself, not to mention my H from disaster. While my H does not like Plan B, he understands what it is and why I have to do it. Your husband is there, but truly is not if he cannot give up OW...don't settle for having to share or be second best....you deserve more than that and you should demand more for yourself.

Good Luck.

Bless your heart for hanging in there for a year! Just that alone shows how strong you are.

My d-day was 1/24/03, and contact did continue even though I disapproved. I finally told H last week if he contacts OW again, we are done. I don't want to do plan B either, but if he does it again, he knows it's over.

We can all tell you what you deserve, and give you the MB tools for recovery, but you can't control your recovery, or your H. You have to do it at your own pace, and when you're ready, you will.

Just please don't buy into his thinking it's your problem. This problem exists because of choices HE makes, not as a result of anything you're doing.

Hang in there. You have lots of friends here now, who truly care about you because they've been there.

Misty