waid,

You have to understand:people choose to stay or reconsile ... it is b/c the past (you stated it), b/c of the current situation (not the case) and b/c of the future (who knows what happen ...).

Now people could change but would they ?. WW could become a new and improve W but for now it is 2,500 miles apart both in physicals & emotions. You could wait and do plan A forever but that is not ralistic and sooner or later it would damage your ego & emotions. This is plan B all about. As long as you did your part to change and show changes to WW and told her you still beleive there is a future if she is willing ... let it go and go to plan B.

Remember average A ends about 2.5 years ... what it is going to be ? This A could outlast your M or outlast you also. It is very personal choice. Yo have to make that choice and live in it. A might last shorter if they LB'ed to each other and you become a better choice but you might wait forever since there is 3% odd A will last. However even as the 3% ... THEY ARE NOT HAPPY IN THEIR M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... guilt if they have a bit of moral/heart or unable to move on b/c of trust issues <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

If you want to continue conact do so but don't engage and react to whatever she does ... and you don't need to be doormat at all, you have done your work (I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). If you don't react you won't LB to her ... if you don't take it personally you could preserve your love to her (Whatever left in your LB$ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).

Hang in there ... -rh-

RH,
I may have read your post a day late; unfortunately I did engage and react. It seems that I’m doing a one step up two steps back scenario. WS contacted me last evening with a request for assistance in preparing her resume. She then gave me her bull… about how she’d understand if I didn’t want to.
It may have lead to a few LBS’, but I’ve come to realize I needed to stick up for myself.
No demands were given but I did engage; I just stated that if she wanted to go on with her life with someone else why is she asking me to help her with her resume? She became upset and it was quickly going down hill. She went into how my ability to listen to her had not changed and that the strength she had to make the move should prove to me that we’ve grown apart. It did escalate, but now unlike before I saw it coming, I just backed off. Some damage was done and did feel my LB$ took a hit, but again I realized this at the time and that my Plan A had somewhat changed my perception of the whole situation, not taking everything coming out of her mouth personally.

My WS has seen some changes from my Plan A, I myself believe I haven’t done all I could to change as you can see above To answer your question, is my WS willing to change, right now I don’t believe so. This came from our discussion after all had calmed down, we did talk about her actions and how some things could have been handled differently. I don’t know if this again was too much engagement, but she stated she’s found herself since just being home over the last two weeks and this feeling has come from being with the OM. It didn’t feel good but it just proved the FOG is thicker than ever. I did inquire if the A was acknowledged by the OMS, my WS said that it was at that point, so she says.
She stated that reaction of her return home was not as open as she expected from her family and that no one is bringing up the subject when they meet. I know it’s not all out in the open and that the deception is still there, some of her close friends from her home are still calling our house leaving messages not fully unaware of the situation and not knowing she’s even back home now living in the same city.

Today’s my WS birthday; I did send her a card. I’m trying to avoid Plan B as much as possible, continuing with my plan A to the limit of 5 months that I planned for. But if it continues down this path it may be sooner than I think.

WAID

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: what am I doing ]</small>

dear WAID,
kudos to you my friend...you've done very well given the difficult circumstances that you've had to deal with. an i'm glad that you're safe. the so. california situation is tragic beyond anything.

your WW moving back home to the midwest makes this very problamatical...but here's what i would do. i would initiate no contact at all! i would go totally dark...

the basic strategic rule in these situations is if something isn't working then don't keep on doing it..CHANGE...DO SOMETHING ELSE!

i sense that a major part of your problem is your W's lack of maturity. i also find it troubling that from what you've been posting, she doesn't seem to have grown...

look, it's always easier to run from problems...to just go somewhere else, scrap the old and solve the problem by starting over. but here's her REAL problem...how does she figure out how get away from herself?!

your problem is that she is going to have to figure this all out on her own. you can't help her with this one...a person grows or they don't..it's up to them.

on the other hand, what you've been doing...learning and the manifestation of the behavior that you've managed to make part of the new you will always be there for you to fall back on! you're practicing good habits and they should stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

as for going dark...well it's just a way to show her the finality of her decision. and don't confuse my recomendation with plan B! if she contacts you, then fine...be pleasant up-beat, kind and always honest...don't argue, plead, begg or lose your temper...be reserved, calm, kind and understanding...BUT OFFER HER NOTHING!

at this point she is the one that needs to make the effort...she needs to know and realize that you just may be moving on with your life...that you're no longer a "sure thing."

so here it is. no e-mail corresponsance no, phone calls, no letters. just go dark. if she calls, you only speak with her if she catches you in...NO CALL BACKS!

if she does get you in, you fall back to a plan A kinds of approach...other then that you give her nothing! then wait to see what she does.

she doesn't sound like the kind of woman who will be willing to relinquish what she considers hers...and i would bet anything that she still things of you as belonging to her!

good luck,
coach

Needs some advice. I haven't read up to much on the following topic.
The OMS contacted me last evening. She just found out about the A 2 weeks ago, and was snooping for info when she found my # on his rolodex. I didn't want to give too many details until I had advice from this board. I confirmed I knew of the situation and felt her pain.
With my seperation filing being amicable, I'm thinking if my WW finds out, all hell will break loose and then lawyers are involved.
The OMS already filed D papers on the OM. The impression was that she was out for blood, remember they just got married in August.

It looks as if the OM and WW may end up together
after all of this, the chance of my WS coming back is waining?

WAID

Red Hat,

I saw your post to Freetobe on contactin OPS.
Does the same apply if the OPS is contacting me.
See my previous post.
Anyone have a recomendation.

WAID

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by what am I doing:
<strong> Red Hat,

I saw your post to Freetobe on contactin OPS.
Does the same apply if the OPS is contacting me.
See my previous post.
Anyone have a recomendation.

WAID </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. It is only exchanging information truthfully to help her heal her own wound. No matter how you put it WS would be mad ... why ? try to take away Jack Daniel froma drunken man, they will do anything to protect it.

She might have info. to see if your M would survive this A. Later on this. I have to go to school now.

-rh-

Whatever happen to their M is not your responsibility.