I officially just found out about the affair last night, but I've been at this site for a month 'preparing' myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm working on avoiding the LB'ing and meeting WS' ENs. I would like some ideas on anything I can do actively to stop his affair.

So far, I haven't said a word when he goes to meet the OW. I just 'accept' it. Should I express disappointment? Should I ask him calmly not to go? One of my problems is I don't express myself enough, so my instinct is just to avoid.

Same question for when he comes home. Do I tell him how much it hurts? So far, I've been working hard to eliminate the LB'ers after one of his dates, but again, I don't express my feelings directly.

Now, the situation is that he takes our daughter to my mom's twice a week. These are the days that he meets with the OW. Do I suddenly say Mom can't babysit anymore? I can't really imagine doing that because taking care of a 13-month-old five days a week would send anyone over the edge. WS is pretty much depressed at this point.

What to do, what to do?

lbc,

You can't stop his A only he can. You could brought up how painfull this to you ... just don't follow it w/ LB'ed. Plan A/Plan B, 180 degrees or Tough LOve is just a guideline ... the application of it is not set in stone. Avoiding ot talk about R could be an LB is you use angry outburst or clingy or disrespecfull judgement. It appears that you are able to control your LB ... you need at least once mention it to him. If you still have a lot to work on plan A (issues that are your responsibility) then I would finish that and be a doormat for a while.

You know that if you tell him not to take your D to your mom the alternative could be worst ... bring it to OW. If you think this would help "break" their A, do it. Plan A is about "negotiating". How about Family support EN ... is his top 5 ? is OW ready to fill in ?

One more thing ... is A out in the open yet ?. I would let the "dog" out if he won't stop going to OW.

-rh-

Thank you for your reply! I think you are saying that I should be working ENs very hard before considering doing anything specific to try to end his affair. Okay. I found out it was a PA only last week and he's been complaining about his ENs not being met for the past two years. I have alot of catching up to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I did receive SAA this past weekend and have read the first couple of chapters.

I thought I did really great with the no LBs and working on ENs until Sunday. Yesterday was HORRIBLE. Probably our worst fight EVER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But I was able to go to him afterwards (usually I try to avoid him at all costs after an argument and he hates that). I realize I need to be the strong one for awhile and not escalate our fights.

Even though I don't want to talk about anything to do with the A, I realize WS still wants to talk about us. He keeps providing opportunities for us to talk. I really need to work on that EN.

No, A is only out in the open to our MC and I will be seeing my therapist tonight. The MC did tell him last week that he will have to think about ending the A if we are to move forward. I figure I can give him a week or two to make a decision.

I just want to thank you for your reply. You've clarified a lot of things right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lbc:
<strong>Even though I don't want to talk about anything to do with the A, I realize WS still wants to talk about us. He keeps providing opportunities for us to talk. I really need to work on that EN.

No, A is only out in the open to our MC and I will be seeing my therapist tonight.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You see, WS will always try to make excuses to make this M or you look bad so that the guilty feeling of running to OP is lessen or justified. Don't give him one. It doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat but you have to "let him" know how are your feeling w/o LB. Read how to negotiate.

In two weeks, I would let A in the open to the very selective close family and freinds that he respects. You have to do it otherwise this will hinder you R w/ your close family.

It is great you have MC working for both of you but becarefull many MC is actually IC that is working on the individual in the cost of M.

I think I understand your point. WS wants to talk to prove to himself that M was/is a mistake? Okay, I will keep an eye out for that. But conversation is probably WS' top EN, so I will be talking to him as much as I can.

I haven't let him know how much he has hurt me. I've cried and screamed at him, but I haven't sat down and told him straight from my heart.

Yes, if he hasn't agreed to end the affair in a couple of weeks, I will start telling people.

I have no idea what our MCs approach will be, so I will keep aware of what is going on in our sessions.

lbc,

You are in the right track. Please read the language of love ... it teaches you to use word pictures to pierce stone heart, I think it is by Gary Smally.

Meanwhile what do you know about OW ? are you ready to compete with her ? ... I would print a copy of LBQ & ENQ and fill it as if he did it for you. Avoid all LB'ed and fillin top 5 ENs all equally (order is not important at this point).

Hang in there - rh-

Thank you for your helpful words. I will look for the Language of Love.

I know a little about OW. She is very young (compared to us). She is probably 25 and just completed her PhD (in psychology!), beautiful, thin, Latina. (We are Mexican-American.) By some of the things WS has said, I don't believe he sees her as a soulmate or anything, but I do believe he told her that he was falling for her. He has not answered the question of whether or not he's in love with her. Not sure if he just wants to spare my feelings. She said that she is 'falling for him', too. I have no idea if she expects him to leave me or anything.

Yes, I am now willing to compete with her. I did take a look at the ENQ and tried to determine his top ENs. I will look at LBQ next, though, I've kinda been making mental notes on what I do that would be considered an LB for him.

Right now, I'm not sure about fulfilling SF for him, but that's the subject of another post under the EN section. IC also recommended against SF for the time being. We'll see.

Fillin SF is an optional and if you do you should use protection. You know this A is going for disaster, 25 y.r LOL !. Does OW know WH is still M to you ?. You know after awhile s3x is getting old.

-rh-

Yeah and his co-worker no less. He is just screwing up his life royally. OW knows all about me. Heck, that's how the EA/PA started. His MO is to cry on your shoulder -- oh, woe is me. She is a therapist and my therapist was pisssed that she got involved with him. I'm like "she's young", but my therapist said she should know better.
Sorry, but I didn't understand your last comment. Would it get old for OW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lbc:
<strong>Would it get old for OW?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A few minutes of "playing" (if he even does that ... not just plug & play ) plus how long org@sm last ? if she even gets it ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . My ExW has A with 12 y.o older than her ... his thing don't even work and need Viagara ... LOL.

This is the part that you have to listen carefully and read between the lines to find out what ENs that your WH fillin for OW and what ENs that OW fillin ?. Then you see also what LB that she can't control ?.

My ExW top ENs is $$$ ... I "got" layoff & not until the severance runs out plus changed in CS&SS a few months ago, their A start showing big crack. His LB is "paying" w/o anything in return (freeloader) ... now he has to pay and it is a huge LB for him. For my ExW it is a big LB since he can't step up to the plate .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

How skillfull OW is fillin his ENs & avoiding LB ?

-rh-

Ah no. WS can last a long time. He has very good control. And he can be very attentive when he wants to. He just doesn't go all night.

ENs OW is filling for WS: conversation, affection, SF, physical attractiveness, admiration, and openness and honesty.

Now, ENs WS is filling for OW? WS appeals to a woman's need to nurture. We think we're gonna save him (he's had many serial relationships). We believe we must be more special than all those other ladies because we 'understand' him.

Now, I don't understand what you mean about the LB that she can't control. You mean if she starts making demands on him or something? He did mention that she will not be happy with the current situation for much longer. (What? Like I am?) Yes, if I do Plan B, money will be a major LB. WS is already complaining about it.

Well, OW is meeting ENs and avoiding LBs with no problems whatsoever. This is a very new relationship. My guess is that the EA began around the beginning of July with PA in the middle of August. So, of course, everything is perfect right now. Thank you for your thoughts.