When will I be able to look at him and not see her? He boasted to friend about how good she was, how the chemistry was great. Makes me feel inadequent. Worthless. He want's marriage to work but I can't get past him sharing every part of himself with OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

YUK. I understand.
You know, I think some of it takes time.
I also believe it is, in part, at least, his responsibility to reassure you in EVERY way he can. Affairs pull at our every insecurity. My H says I am the perfect wife. Right. I believe that. So since he won't take me apart, I do it for him!
We can't do that to ourselves!
Amber, I hope you're getting some MC and perhaps some IC. I know I had those kinds of visions for months after his first affair. Of course, I had asked every detail, which he told me. Now, in his second affair, I am not as interested in the details. I think I realize just how every one of his answers haunted me the first time. I've read mixed things about this. On the one hand, it is natural to want to know every detail, every position, etc... and it is important that he have the openness and honesty to share all. But I am not wanting that this time and I am wondering if it is because I don't want those visions.
In time, it WILL be better. I hope he is genuine in his desires to be with you and shows you that every minute. Good luck to you both!

Thanks for the advice. He has lied to me so much about his affair....I can't believe or trust anything he says. He lied about who it was, how long it went on, communicating with her after we had reconciled, and the biggee, the extent of his involvement....ie., sex. Told me for months there wasn't any...yea right...never believed him and found out just yesterday from a friend that he had confided in that he had been having sex w/her all along and had the gaul to brag about how good it was....he has been pleading w/me for the past 48 hours to take him back,,,,yea right! He has played me for a fool and I feel the only thing left is my self respect! Once a cheater, always a cheater. But most importantly, once a liar always a liar. I love him but I will not lower myself to his deciept any longer. It wouldn't make any difference what he tells me or promises me...I won't believe him A marriage without trust is not a marriage. As far as the counseling, yes we did both. He has never been honest about any of this and continues to blame his affair on me, or blame others for interceding in my behalf. He will NOT take accountability for his actions and never will. I choose not to wait around for the "2nd" Affair and then decide how to respound to another disaster! Why would I put myself thru that?? Good luck with yours. All of us will choose a path that we can live with, mine is just different from yours.

amber

Amber,
The fact that your posting here makes me think that part of you at least, wants to save your marriage.
My husband lied to me about the physical aspect of the affair as well. Finding out about that was horrible.
If he has no remorse and no accountability, there is little you can do. There are other people who might disagree with me here, but there has to be SOMETHING there for a marriage to have a chance. I hope you know that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT, in ANY way. We women always blame ourselves when we shouldn't.
If divorce is a decision you've already made, do get some support. Those visions/obsessions do go away in time. It is much like mourning the death of someone.
My husband recognizes that he has a serious problem and has been seeking help. That is the ONLY reason I am able to sit here on this board, and not in the waiting room of a lawyer's office.
{{{{Amber}}}}

Hi Amber,

I'm going through the same thing. Except for me, it's stupid stuff that brings up images of WS and OW. Like yesterday, we were out with friends and when I would see a beautiful, young, Latin woman, I wanted to burst into tears. It took all I had not to break down in public.

WS keeps asking me if I will be able to forgive him. He has his doubts -- no kidding! But if he decides to stop seeing her and starts working on our M, I could actually see a time where I may not think of her for a whole day and maybe even a whole week. But, I believe this is something both of us (BS and WS) will have to live with as long as we are together.

(((Hugs))) to you!