My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 5. Apparently she fell out of love for me even before we got married, but we are such good friends and have such a wonderful relationship aside from that, that she though it would be enough. Wrong. She has been having an affair for the last two months! I found out a month ago and we are in counseling, but she has not cut things off with him completely. She says that she loves him and that she has not felt the love for me for years. She has no hope that she can love me again. Does anyone know how i can convince her or help to realize that love can be re-built? If she had some hope she might be motivated to try. For now, she is not sure what to do, but I believe she is heading his way...not mine. Please give me any pointers/ideas you might have. Thank you

i am also in the same boat as u are...Husband told me about the affair 3 weeks ago...found out last night that he is still in contact with her. Now he has asked for a brief separation so he could think about his feelings for me.
I am ready to take that risk. I am tried of wondering and hoping. There is no hope if the other half is not ready to quit. I cannot tolerate the emotional roller coaster anymore...good luck in yours

Just to add...i did everything by the book...emotional needs...empathy...telling him the need he has now will go away...all to waste...he said he understood what i was doing and he appreciates it but he still needed to find out things for himself even if it means losing everything he had with us...CAN U IMAGINE THAT!...well...i am not standing in his way because i want to know too. Better than going back and forth...back and forth...wondering minute by minute and day by day.
I have had 18 years of relationship with him and 7 years of marriage...i think i have reached the end of it...

Neb,

You come to the right place. Welcome to MB and read basic concept inside out and read the Q&A that is relevent to you. Harley makes his fame for having the way to create romantic love. One only need to be willing to do it and the the other to let it ... romantic love would be there and hope the recepient would do the same.

You can't convince her by telling her, you have to do plan A for now to convince her that you could be the person that she love. Now one thing for sure she would not be able to love you if she still have contact with OM. There is no place for third person in M ...

-rh-

<small>[ September 25, 2003, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Also Neb don't believe alot of what she tells you that she hasn't been in love with you for years. My WS believes he's been in love with my best friend for the last twenty years while she was married to WS best friend. If thats not too confusing. Now I can laugh about it but it sure did hurt to think that was true. OW and her husband were maid of honor and best man at our wedding. I know this hasn't been true but WH cannot remember anything of our marriage before this A. Last night he asked me if I had ever met his father before he died. I said I knew his father for over 2 years before his death and we spent almost every weekend down at the beach with him. Through counseling he's realized that a old habit from his youth, living with two alcoholic parents, when things get tough for him he shuts down and forgets the whole event. So basically he's forgotten our 20 years together and can only remember the last couple with A. If may be a defensive thing for her to believe this.
Me 30
WS 44
Married 17 years
2 boys 4 and 11

neb

going through some of the same things you are going through. I have a husband who is telling me he married me because he felt pressured by family and that his feeling for me are that of just friends, his love is lost and gone and he claims over our ten year marriage that his feelings have come and gone but will not look at it from the books point of views about anything. and he does not know what to do and that leaving is the answer. These words hurt big time but by reading posts here I realize its about the EA affair not about me. Im too new here to give good advice but be strong and keep reading it helps!!!!!!
I'm still somewhat in denial I can't beleive this is happening the way it is.

Thank you all for replying to me. I finally told my wife that I will not continue to put effort into the relationship if she will not. I went on to tell her that I could not be her friend if she ended things w/o trying. She is beginning to hate it every time I say the word "try". I told her that when we go to the counselor next week we need to ask the counselor what our options are if we decide to try to rebuild our lost love. She does not want to do it because she thinks it is hopeless. She has already done everything...right?...Wrong! Anyway, we'll see if the counselor can get through her thick skull. Any suggestions as to how I should handle myself in counseling. I am tired of backing down and going home alone with all my anxiety. Thank you all!

Neb, counseling is only effective if BOTH parties are there voluntarily. Trust me on this one, your W isnt, she is going throught the motions just to say she tried and it still didnt work out.

My W told me the same things you are hearing now, it is right out of the playbook that everyone here has heard. If you read all the posts, it is as if the same person with a differant name is posting.

I am not qualified to advise you, other than the similiar experiences we have gone through.

Dont take a WORD of what your W is saying as personal, EVERYTHING is a lie to justify her A and to place the blame elsewhere than herself.

Do the counseling for yourself, after you go with your W you will see what I mean. She will probably walk out afterwards and state she felt like it was a waste of time, I dont know how a couselor is going to help me get my feelings/passion back for you and the likes, or that she felt persecuted and is tired of being made the bad guy in your marriage.

Worry about yourself at this point, there is not much you can do other than to better yourself, do it for yourself and hopefully SHE will notice.

Remember, when these BS's are involved in a A they are not the people we loved and married. They are not to be trusted, thier word means NOTHING, ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING, that is very improtant to remember, otherwise you will doubt yourself to no ends.

Neb,

I'm with rookie. Also, since you're here on MB, I want to let you know that you can counsel on the phone with one of the Harleys, or get marriage coaching.

If your wife doesn't want to "try" then even if you hogtie her and wheel her into the counselor's office, she will resist marriage counseling. That doesn't mean you can't win her back to loving you, though.

Just don't waste your money on somebody who isn't hip to MB concepts.

redhat, there IS no place for a 3rd person in a M. Absolutely right!

km4, the "haven't been in love with you for years" is standard for WS's.

and feeling lonely, when the spouse tells you that he only married you because of pressure from family and friends, [my H said it was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, and because after we had been living together it was the next logical step, and because we wanted a child he wanted to legitimize the child]

Well, that's how the WS rewrites history. Don't take it personally. They need to validate their betrayal of their vows.

Go and read rookie's thread. Take lessons from the posts he's written and take wisdom from him and the others who write to you. I differ from his writing only with: I wouldn't even go to counseling with a reluctant spouse if I could do it over.

I would come to MB, counsel with the Harleys, and conserve my energy and money for the coming months.

BTW, your wife is still in the infatuation stage of her affair. She may not have heard the guy she's fallen for blowing his nose in the shower, or seen him do all those things he will eventually do once he relaxes about her.