Brief history - Married 17 years-7 children ages 1 to 17 (2 girls, 5 boys)- things began to unravel late last year when wife became depressed after last child and began spending lots of time away from me and home with her best friend (female next-door neighbor)- wife met neighbor's best friend (single male, never married) at Christmas party of neighbor's last year-he moved here in January-found out that they were having emotional A in February-wife has tried 3 times to turn her heart back to me but it is very short lived because she says she has never really loved me and that she has never really known love until she met him-she feels as though everyone (except the neighbors and the guy)is against her breaking up her family for this OM (they just don't understand what a good man he is) and she has put up walls against everyone except those that support whatever it takes to make her happy-the A turned sexual over the past 2 months she says due to the fact that she felt forced back into our relationship by everyone's opinion and she felt trapped so she had sex with him to try and win him back-he said he no longer trusted her at that time (didn't keep him from having sex with her) but just wanted to be friends because he didn't want to feel responsible for breaking up a family and hurting the children (they are very attached to me)-she went through withdrawls while we were in Fla. on vacation and was extremely upset; feeling the rejection (kinda like the rejection I was also experiencing from her)-we got real honest(found out about the sex and their plans to have been married on the beach, also to have children right away)-she was saying then that we need to stay together for kids sake and that if he wanted her back today, she would not go-she was still going off with neighbor and OM "as friends"-she would tell me that he was continually saying things that keeps her hopes up that they could still be a couple-we saw a pastor who suggested seperation and she jumped on that-she has been out of the house for 3 weeks and we have not been allowed to talk about "us" in this time period-I know for a fact that there is contact with OM through cell ph records-she is cold and distant towards me, doing the "perfect mom" thing with the kids (taking them places, signing all school work, keeping the house and laundry up)and priming them on "how much happier and healthier mommy is since she's been away from daddy."-this is the second A I have had to deal with within our marriage from this woman. Other A happened about a year after we were married. She found Christ and as far as I know has been a good and faithful wife and a very spiritual person until now. This is not the woman that me and the children have known for the past 16 years. She has questioned and changed every value that she has held for the past 16 years. She worked hard after the first A to teach me that marriage was forever and that divorce was NEVER an option. I believed her. She is sayin now that she examines her life and decisions(Dr. Phil's book - "Life Matters")she was pregnant and scared when she married too young, and she was just scared when she decided to stay with me after the first A. She has never really loved me but has tried her best to make it work for 16 of the 17 years. I love her and I love our family but I don't know how much more of this crap I can take for the sake of my sanity or the children. They are feeling all of this too. She made the decision (against my advice) to get the opinion of the 3 oldest boys on divorcing me and having her new boyfriend (who the boys had already befriended). The plan backfired and they were not happy. They all have their own way of dealing with it but she says that her relationship with the kids is fine; and will continue to be if we divorce (they will adjust). They do not know how close we really are to divorcing. I don't want to be the one to file. I feel like I would be betraying my children's trust that I have worked so hard to establish through this. I would like to go to some sort of plan B but the arrangement now is that she is comming to the house after I leave for work to get the kids on the bus and leaving when I get home. As far as I know, this may be the way that she'll want to keep it becaause in my opinion, she has her cake and is eating it too. What advice can you guys give me about making it through this mess or getting out of it with the least amount of damage to my health, finances, and most importantly -the children?

Hi dadof7,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you and your family are in this situation. From your account, your W is truly in the 'fog'.

Your children's safety and well being is not a high priority right now and what she is doing for them is a facade. It doesn't fool you the children or the rest of the world, just her maybe not even the OM.

What should you do? Others will post more thoughts, here are mine:

1. Work on improving and protecting yourself and your children.

2. Get an STD test for U.
3. Get a good MC
4. Check out your legal options.
5. Bond with your children. The ones which are able to handle the info, let them help you. Children often (even young ones) can sense issues and want to help. They can be your support. Let them know you love them and keep the lines of communication open. They may have good input also.

6. Read the concepts section above. Get ahold of the books: surviving an affair, his needs/her needs both by Dr W. Harley and the book Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. Sometimes we need to know the extent our spouses will go to hurt the family and be prepared.

Please take care and use this place to vent. Be careful of your temperment and even if she accuses you of stupid stuff, don't let her pull you into her web. If you know the charges are bogus, walk away from the conversation. Proving you are the healthy and wise one is hard. Most courts tend to have sympathy on the mother but more and more judges are seeing to look for the real parent and spouse vs the woman side only.

take care,
L.