Oh man....it's all a dog an pony show. Grief is looking over my shoulder and I can feel it tap, tap, tapping me on the back.

Had the discussion with WW last night. Told her a large part of Plan A was a commitment on both our parts to work on the M. She admitted she knew she was neglecting me and she can't stop. She says she loves me, but couldn't bring herself to do anything to salvage our marriage. She doesn't know why. I told her that if we continued on the path we were on that she would restart her affair or I would find myself in my own A. She cried last night as we talked about the split into Plan B.

But there is no Plan B for couples without children right? I told her last night the separation to me was just a rest stop on the road to D. I told her I didn't have much faith that once I moved out that our marriage would survive. I told her that our M was in cardiac arrest and by separating (not working on M) that it would die fairly quickly.

This morning I got up and showered and got ready to leave (go get apt) she didn't say anything, just looked very very sad. So I did it. I got a place by work and picked up some boxes. I move in tomorrow afternoon. I'm back at home now, she wasn't here.... now the hard part....packing.

two times now I tried to put something in a box and both times I fell on the floor sobbing. I'm so glad she's not here to see this. I can't maintain my focus. I keep breaking down.

just for the record last confirmed contact with OM 8/22. She says she's maintaing NC, but my gut says otherwise.

Am I doing the right thing here?

Harry, I admit I don't know much about Plan A because in my case fwh had already recommitted to our marriage on his own when d-day arrived. Maybe others will have better advice, but from what I read in your post, it is too soon to expect your wife to be out of the fog enough to be paying a lot of attention to your needs! It would be par for the course for her to be mooning over the OM and the loss of that relationship. Your job at this point would be to offer her your love and accept where she is at until she can recover her senses. Maybe you are having such a hard time leaving because it is premature to do so. JMHO Have you read up on this site?

It's a work in progress as far as reading this site. When I first came here I posted in recovery (yeah right). Premature? I don't know.....

I've read some of the people's stories on here and I just can't find myself putting up with the kind of nonsense a lot of the posters on this site do. For example (and I'm not trying to bash her) Honey. I'm sure if she could go back the two years she's been working on this and take another path she would. Maybe I just don't value my relationship as much as others, or maybe I'm just not as strong.

I love my W as she used to be, but that person is no longer in residence. The person I am living with now is cruel, cold and heartless. I cannot continue to support a relationship that is eating me apart. Bit by bit there will soon be nothing left of my feelings for her.

I've now packed 3 whole boxes. I fell apart when I saw our wedding album. I got about 5 pages into it and realized that it was only stoaking bitterness. I also found old cards and letter from her and from my first wife. That strengthened my resolve. I want my W to see me like that again. I want to to be committed to US and not to her own self serving carnality.

This is by far one of the hardest things I've ever done, but the die is cast and waffle as I might I'm going to see this through.

I talked to her Aunt a few minutes ago, she told me it breaks her heart to see this, but has hope that after I leave W will see the light. W's family all are close and have been very supportive of me through this whole thing. In fact it was this very same Aunt that confronted the OM at his place of work. I didn't know she was going to do this, but it's a very traditional family and they take care of their own.

Time for box #4, let's see if I can do this with a straight face.

HarryS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But there is no Plan B for couples without children right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong. It is not recomended but you have no choice otherwise you will bankrupt your LB$.

Don't put straight faces ... let her see your hurt and pain ... Did you give her plan B letter ?, you have to !.

-rh-

Man, this day has convinced me that I'm in bad bad bad shape. I am feeling so needy, so alone, so sad. She's been gone all day, I feel that this has driven her to the OM. I try and tell myself this is not about her, but she's got this hold on my heartstrings and it's choking the will right out of me. I've got 6 boxes packed, and each one was a monumental effort emotionally. I have decided it's time to bite the bullet and see Dr on Monday to get some anti D's. This thing is going to kick my rear end if I don't get a lift somewhere.

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I am going downhill so fast. I can't keep my emotions in check, they're all over the place.

I'm wacked. I'm such a screwed up individual. Control eludes me, I can't seem to get a grip on anything with enough mass to support me. It's all fleeting.

I told her last night what Plan B was. No Contact with me till she was sure she wanted me and wanted to work on our M. Do I really have to write it out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HarryS:
<strong>I told her last night what Plan B was. No Contact with me till she was sure she wanted me and wanted to work on our M. Do I really have to write it out?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Write it out anyway. In the mist of A one usualy has a very short memory.

-rh-

Harry even if your suspicions that she is still having contact with the OM turn up to be correct, your decision to go to Plan B and separate from her will add another dose of reality to her affair. While there is no guarantee that your marriage will survive, the odds are in your favor that her affair will start to die. Let's say that she won't enjoy her affair as much now because of the fallout to the marriage. But you must be firm and NOT take her back on just simple assurances that she is going to work on a marital recovery plan that incorporates the Marriage Builders principles embodied in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve and Jennifer Harley or Penny Tupy (Cerri our resident MB coach). Her actions must be louder than her words before there is any hope for the marriage.

<small>[ September 29, 2003, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Harry...i feel for you...

tonight is my first night since i told him to walk out this morning...i had a bit of anxiety attack early in the evening...so far i think i am holding out okay...i don't know later...maybe i might break down...

****MISSION ABORT****

Plan B did not execute.

Right after I posted my last on Saturday the W came home. I was out on the back porch cooking some meat on the grill. I turned around to go inside to get a plate and she was standing there in tears. The first thing she says, "Don't Go".

I looked down at the ground, trying to keep my resolve. She said, "I can't live without you, please don't leave me".

My eyes lifted and looked into hers and I saw something there, a glimmer of something I haven't seen in a long time. My resolve wavered.

She said," I broke something that ment everything to me and I need to fix it". and "Please give me a chance to make things right, I will I promise be 100% committed to you and our marriage and making it better".

That was it. My doubt that faster-than-light travel was possible was crushed. My resolve departed me so fast it left skidmarks on my ear.

We spent the next 30 minutes unpacking the 6 boxes that took me all day to pack and then cuddled on the couch. Later ate some charred meat and made plans to go to the state fair the next day.

She held me all night.

Yesterday was nice, a good day. We spent all of it together and held hands and kissed. She told me she loved me like 10 times. Today, she called me at work just to say hi and say she loved me.

I know, call me a waffle, but this feels good and it's been so long since I've had any good.

I know I need to bring up the subject of MC and a plan for recovery, but right now I just want to enjoy my sunshine.

Told her a large part of Plan A was a commitment on both our parts to work on the M.
Plan A is all on your shoulders. The idea of Plan A is to get her to end the affair and recommit to the marriage.

But there is no Plan B for couples without children right?
Sure there is. Why not?

I told her last night what Plan B was. No Contact with me till she was sure she wanted me and wanted to work on our M. Do I really have to write it out?
Yes you write it out. But Plan B is not something to "discuss" with the ws. When you are ready, you do it.

Right after I posted my last on Saturday the W came home.
Good. However...

I know I need to bring up the subject of MC and a plan for recovery, but right now I just want to enjoy my sunshine.
This is something you need to get sorted out & quickly lest you both fail to do it.
First off, she will probably not bring it up.
Second, so you want to have some "sunshine" only to get pushed back in to the storm again?

You HAVE to get a plan together with her and then both stick to it.

Read the links below.

Harry, I feel for you. Right now you are flip-flopping around. Your head is spinning. You can't make a decision. I was right where you were just about 3 weeks ago. I strongly advise you to see the doc even if you thing this will work out. You need to have a clear head and the medication I am on has helped tremendously.

Since I'm new and am no expert, take what I say with a grain of salt. There are many people here who know a LOT about this stuff. It seems to me, though, that she is starting to come out of the fog of the A. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Go back to Plan A. I would suggest reading Surviving an Affair, Triangles and After the Affair. These three books (out of the approximately 20 that I have bought) were the most helpful to me.

Keep loving her and praying. Good things can happen!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HarryS:
<strong>****MISSION ABORT****</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No ... mission is in progress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . She buckled under the thread of plan B. As Chris point out you need to work on M right away. Please get MC asap ! and read together how A should end.

-rh-

I so so envy you Harry...i wish mine did something like that yesterday...but he didn't say anything...

Harry:

Sounds as if the fog MAY have broken. But, do you have a Plan in place. Will your wife agree?

Specifically, will she agree to a No Contact letter to OM ? POJA ? Following the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage? Ending all contact with other man forever ?

If none of this is in place, your marriage is a ticking time bomb, for future detonation.

Been there, done that.

I am not trying to be a pessimist. But remember, as painful as it is, she broke the trust of your relationship.

This not about making it esier or harder for her or you. It is about putting conditions in place that create better odds for your marriage to survive. And, to provide guidelines to really make your marriage so much better.

Best to YOu !

Gregg M is right that you must have a marital recovery plan that she is enthusiastically willing to follow otherwise you are setting yourself up for another false recovery.

You cannot use a selfish demand (a love buster) no matter how noble the cause, but you can express to her that her unwillingness to resolve this issue is making you lose hope, and that you cannot guarantee her that you will not leave her. The ball is now in her court.

Thanks Folx....

Coming here and putting it all out there is a big help. And your votes of confidance are sure welcome. I'm glad from what I see in your responses that everyone doesn't see me as a total failure at this. And yes, I know I need a plan.

In fact last night I broached the subject and it didn't go over as badly as I'd thought, in fact I did get a little deposit in MY love bank. She told me what she thought about on Saturday. She told me she thought about what I mean to her and not just the physical stuff, but the hopes/dreams/desires stuff.

Then after this ugh, I blew it! We went in and laid on the couch to cuddle. She even turn the football game on and then looked over at me and I only had eyes for her. We cuddled for awhile and I got kinda.....you know, so I made a move....

and got shot down.

With the "Why does it always have to be about sex" statement. Ugh! "Why can't you just hold me?" Ugh Ugh.

I'm thinking "Woman, you don't know how lucky you are to have a husband that gets randy just by getting close to you." but insteed asked, "Why do you make me out to be a bad guy just cause I want to make love to you?" and then said, "It's been a month, how does that relate to 'Always'?"

It just broke down from there.....

When we first got together it was like 3-4 times a day. After a year it was at 4-6 times a week. Now we're at 1-2 a month and I'm a walking stiffy.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but she acts like I am.

She says it's at those times she feels like an object. It's not like I just jump in there....I preheat the oven....in fact I tend to preheat the whole kitchen.

Ugh...I know I know....I have to go back to doormat mode. I have to somehow forget about my needs and focus on hers.

I am ordering the SAA and his needs/her needs books, seeing about overnight delivery. With that I hope to mutually devise a plan we can execute into a loving relationship that lasts.

I am NOT a patient man, but I'm trying to be. I mean I'm REALLY trying.

Don't compare her sex drive then with her sex drive now. A lot of her sex drive in the past had to do a lot with infatuation. She needs to feel emotionally connected to you before she can give of herself physically. If you haven't done so, tell her that you also want to express affection via hugs, little kisses to her face and lips without strings attached. If she is like the majority of women, she will appreciate this because this is one of the major turn offs that women have against the men in their lives (it makes them feel as a piece of meat). ALWAYS be sincere when you show affection, attention or appreciation towards her. Besides why turn the sexual act into a chore?

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM, not sure I follow you. When I ment I preheat the oven, I ment I do the kissing, holding, touching and cuddling.

Yeah, all this affection does turn me on, but not her. She tells me it would be fine just by itself, but I have to take it another step with sex.

Now I'm confused. If I do all that just for affection, how do I then iniate sex? Ugh...at 43 you'd think I'd know this, but I think I'm going to have to relearn some stuff.

TMCM, not sure I follow you. When I ment I preheat the oven, I ment I do the kissing, holding, touching and cuddling.
Yes. Then stop there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now I'm confused. If I do all that just for affection, how do I then iniate sex?
"All that" is the product for many women, especially after an affair.

You have to show them affection as the end product, not as the means/prelude to sex. Sex is gonna probably have to be on the back burner for a while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>