Night before last my WS and I had a long conversation he said he is comitted to making this work and that I need to change things such as my weight, I know I am and that he really needs admiration from me that the OW really gave him that(of course I did not LB by saying the OW left her H and D's and did not have any one else to give admiration too, even though I wanted to). I said that he needs to tell me when I do something that makes him feel admired and that also a factor is when he stopped meeting my EN I stopped the admiration because I didn't feel it and we discussed the admiration chapter in HN/HN. He brought up that according to SAA affairs usually die off within two years. When I asked is that what you think will happen, he said no this A has already died off. Why can't I trust him on that lol. The next day I realized that WS probably brought all this up because its my day with the IC who he will see next week. After reading SAA he is terrified of Plan B that I will do it and that I will discuss it with the MC. When I got home we talked about my session and I said how I felt everything was if and when he wanted to do it that when I bring up I want to talk WS says "sounds like you need to talke to IC". That my counselor reminded me where I was this time last year and what drastic changes I've made in my life. That IC said that sticking it out won't do any damage and that I will just continue to grow. All this made WS sad he said ,didn't he say anything positive, I thought it was positive. WS feels that he committed to making this work but doesn't know if he has the skills to do so. That his childhood was so disfunctional, two alcholic parents that he never learned to value the family. That when I had a child he felt like he lost his best friend, our IC says in most marriages when a child comes it bonds the couple together but in some cases were the S did not have a good male role model it makes them feel in competition. thats exactly WS although he loves the boys totally and wants to do the best for them he does it by buying and providing not being there for them. WS says when he see's OW he no longer has that emotional pull thats why he feels the A has died off he has no desire to be with her but she did make him feel good. He says maybe he's not programmed to be a family man. When I asked if that means he would like to go find someone who is not family oriented too, because thats not me, he said no I see you with you family and I'm jealous that you connect and they love you, when I see you with the boys I'm jealous, I want that connection too but what if I can't do it. He still says he has no feelings for me and that when I ask him to just do things for me and the emotions will follow as a friend has told him he's not sure that he should do it if he doesn't feel it. So is this the "I'm not worthy speech" I hear often in the threads, or is he still in the fog? and should he do things just because. Lately he has been cuddling, kissing, calling, but now I wonder if he feels it or not. I'm as confused as I think he is.

It is London Fog ... lol ! ... let's see

WS feels that he committed to making this work but doesn't know if he has the skills to do so.
How hard is it to fillin all the questionair honestly ? Then following the questionairs that you fill in ?. Don't need to go to university or get a brain surgeon.

That his childhood was so disfunctional, two alcholic parents that he never learned to value the family.
It should not be an excuse but more reason to do the right thing.

...WS says when he see's OW he no longer has that emotional pull thats why he feels the A has died off he has no desire to be with her but she did make him feel good.
2x4 ... you should ask him how she made him feel good ... that answer is your plan A material !.

He says maybe he's not programmed to be a family man.
He is not computer ... it is willing not implanted.

Lately he has been cuddling, kissing, calling, but now I wonder if he feels it or not. I'm as confused as I think he is.
This is either he still in contact or he is in withdrawal. Either way you owe it to yourself to plan A.

just my 2 ¢ -rh-

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

rh your 2cents is worth millions, thanks. I also appreciate the 2x4, ouch!! I do know that she told him what a wonderful pilot he is and how he works so hard stuff to do with his work or about how handsome he is. Of course at this time she would also go shopping with me or over visiting and would say how can you stand him being gone, I wouldn't put up with that etc. I have a hard time showing admiration for these things when it took him away from us 6 1/l2 days a week for the last 10 years. I admire him when he says I'm turning off my cell phone for two hours so I can spend time without interruption, he's done that twice so far this week or when he says I'm not working Sunday so I can take time for you and the boys or he actually makes our son's soccer game. But he doesn't yet value these things like he does the others. So do I show admiration when Idon't feel it? And I do try to compliment him on how he looks and I do mean it but he says he doesn't believe I really feel it. I tell him if I don't feel it I don't say it. He says he only saw admiration in my eyes once that he can remember in 17 years(of course he can't remember alot about those 17 years) when I saw him in the cockpit flying a 747. Honestly that wouldn't have inspired admiration I didn't say that to him of course.
And to tell the truth I'm not sure whether it can be called n/c he still works with her and last year when he decided to cut off from her he called me hysterical(I have never heard him cry before) he was hurting so bad, he had just lost his best friend and didn't know how he could survive. I like a fool even then didn't realize he was in love with her but remained calm and told him I couldn't imagine how much it hurt and how proud I was that he was doing this for us and etc etc. Of course it didn't last a week. Now when I ask whats different that he's not in such pain over not dealing with her. He says he did it slowly that even though he works with her he started off cutting time down with her then only dealt with her on business stuff and now does not deal with her at all and only see's her passing in the hallways and tries to schedule it so he's not there the 4 hours a day she works. He said he has also come out of the "fog". That he realizes its not greener on the other side of the fence. Although he feels she was honestly genuine in her feelings and not faking it, he realizes they were both in spots in their lives that would lead to this, she had already planned on leaving her H, my WS best friend and was looking for security, and he was downsizing his company(feeling like a failure), realizing he only had 17 more years to retirement, was at the same age his parents were when they died, going through legal issues etc etc and I wasn't there for him. On the other hand I'm not sure he's in contact with her more then he says either. He has taken steps to be out of this business but has to wait until legal issues are settled and can't guarantee when they will be but I have the same knowledge he does with lawyers etc as he knows he has to keep me in the loop. He has sworn to be totally honest with me even if it hurts me or him. He lived w/o telling me about a PA 10 years ago and not telling me about these legal and financial issues and knows how lies can eat away. But not that I trust him totally either. So is it withdrawal or N/C? i'm not sure. I will continue plan A but how will I know when(I'm thinking positive here lol) to start recovery. I know I'm pushing it but I like a plan not just limbo.
km4
me 39
WS 44
2 boys 4 and 11
OW was my best friend.