<small>[ September 29, 2003, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: dd_09 ]</small>

First as most here will tell you buy His Needs/Her Needs and How to Survive an Affair. They have been lifesavers for WS and I. I wish I'd known about them when this first started for us 16 months ago. We both just read the SAA and I think its what turned my WS around, although probably 16 months ago he wouldn't have been willing to read it, it would have still helped me to know what to do besides cry lol. In the SAA they have two A scenerios one is the right way to end an affair with the least amount of pain and it sounds like you are at that point the other is when its the wrong way and then its much harder. If I had known then what I do know I believe we too could have done the right way. Hope this helps and please get the books and if hubby is willing have him read them too. Like I said my WS read SAA and saw himself all over the place couldn't believe how pathetic he sounded on paper lol.
KM4
me 39
WS 44
2 boys 4 and 11
OW was my best friend.

km is right. Buy the books and read about Plan A.....that's what you need to be doing right now. And don't forget that "exposure" of the affair is part of it. Who knows about this other woman? Is she married? If so, the first person you need to contact is her husband.

Read the books...if you can't get the books than go through the articles in this site. It sure helped me.

You cannot change him. You must change yourself. Make him notice you. Even that there is no guarantees. But it is worth a try. At least you know you tried.

Good luck to you

If it helps you any, I am in the same boat. I have 2 small children, we've been together for 16 years--married 10 of them. I found out back in April that he was having a too-close for comfort friendship with a woman in his office that was going through a divorce. I knew it was more than what he was telling me... which gave us quite a rollercoaster ride these past months. He also said he wanted to leave for a while and think things through because he was depressed... this was after I found-out more about his relationship and realized it was a very emotional affair with kissing (at least) involved.

My thought is this--you don't take time-off from a marriage, if anything, you did that already and that's why you ended up where you are now. If he wants to take time to himself, he should go to a counselor and figure things out. I have put my mind to it that I deserve better than being second best... which is what I would be if he left because you know they want to experiment how life would be with the other person. However, it's all a fantasy until they start raising children together and managing the household. Reality is that you need to be strong for your children and yourself... maybe even for him. I have told my husband that if he chooses to leave, he will have to tell his family and that the next step will most likely be a divorce-- which we've both decided at this point we don't want. It has been the most stressful and exhausting months of my life... I never thought this would happen to us, but such is life and God gives you what you can handle. Stay strong, read and get as much positive support as you can. Trust your instincts and have faith that God is going to help you no matter what happens with the relationship.