I'm new here, but have been doing my own version of Plan A for a couple of months now. Kind of thought I was on my own with this concept until I found MBs.

Long story short, H is currently seeking counseling and is in wk 2 of anxiety/anti-dep. meds. As part of his "plan," he is to distance himself between myself and the OP (I really can't refer to her as a "woman"). Although, he still sees her at work, and talks on the phone, and he also sees me occassionally (we share a daughter, with baby #2 due in 5 wks), and talks on the phone with me, he's been pretty good about not "juggling" us like he had in the past. His main objective right now is to concentrate on his health and to become a better person/father for his children.

That said, yesterday, H called me from work and said "you're not going to like this, but I have to go "over there" tonight." I just got silent. He said a lot of s*^t was going on at work (both OP and OP's X) work w/H, and he was so tired of the whole situation and that he was so close to just "saying we're done." He said some things were going on between OP and her X, so I perceived this to mean that my H had finally had it with the OP and was maybe becoming wise to her little "games." (She's even cheated on my H with her X and others...)

So, I agreed, and said, "no, it doesn't make me happy, but can we talk later?" He said yes and that he really didn't know how long he would be there. He said he could be there for a while, or just a few minutes, depending on what happened. In the back of my head, I'm guessing that whatever intentions my H had in going over there, she'd be able to cry and plead and say, "but I love you," and win him back... She's done that before. Anyway, he was pretty vague in the whole situation. Which, of course makes me suspicious that there was even a "situation" in the first place. Perhaps he just needed a "fix" and decided to feed it.

H called a couple of hours later from her house to say goodnight to our daughter. H said that it "wasn't good." I asked him, "not good for who? Me? Her?" He said that he was having a really hard time and that I had no idea what he was going through. I began to say, "If you've gone over there with the intention of calling it off..." and he said, " I didn't say that, it just isn't good." I said "well, then, will you be there all night?" he said, "maybe, but it won't be for good reasons." Fog talk? I think so... He ended it with, "just try to get some sleep, (yeah, ok, right, with visions of sugarplums...), and I'll call in the morning." UGH!!!

Needless to say, I had a very restless night, woke up 3 times due to horrible dreams about them. One had HER kids calling my H DADDY!!!

So, anyway, he calls at 8:00 am and asks for me to bring our daughter down so he can see her before he left for work. I wasn't thrilled about being at his beck and call, but thought, "what the he!!, maybe he'll talk about the "situation."

So, an hour later, we pull up (I'm staying a MIL's-15 mins away), and he's fast asleep in bed!!! I picked up a pillow off of the couch and took it in to our bedroom and threw it on the floor next to him. He said, "Hi, what took so long?" I mutterred a "Hi, had to get her ready," back to him and left the room. I figured he was waiting for me to crawl in to bed with him and everything would be forgotten? Not this time, buddy.

An hour and a half went by and my daughter went in and woke him up. I was so angry by his behavior, that I scribbled a quick note to him. I told him that I felt like his doormat and that him staying with her last night, just set me back a couple of months (emotionally). I told him that he was making it very clear that her needs were priority. I signed it his "angry wife."

Normally, he responds well to my notes. Of course, my notes have always supported Plan A, so there's really no reason for him not to. But this morning I just lost it. He got angry too, and just started getting ready for work. We didn't discuss anything for the remainder of the morning. He came out to give our daughter a kiss goodbye and leaned over to give me a hug. He said, "bye" and gave me a long embrace, during which I began to cry. He said, "I'm sorry." We continued to hug and then he turned away without looking at me and walked out the door.

So, my question. Do I get back on to Plan A? I really want to save this marriage and feel like he is so blind to his OP's games and immaturity. She's got such a hold on him, and I can't understand it. If I get back on Plan A, will this confuse him, or is it time to go to Plan B? I really don't favor plan B at all!!!

Thanks for any responses.

Mother of Pearl

BS-Me 31
WS-H 29 (on the edge of 30, if that means ANYTHING!!!)
Met Oct 95
Married Mar 99
EA started Apr 03
went PA Aug 03
We lived in same house until Aug 03
Still in "limbo"

You've been Plan A 2 months, right?

Is this recent fight typical of your Plan A or not?

If it is atypical, and your Plan A has been pretty good up until now ...I'd say your love bank is close to empty and Plan B sounds healthy.

Problem being .... you are pregnant. What are your plans for the baby?

What do you say?

Pep

Pep,
Actually, I've been Plan A since D day in May, I just didn't know it was a MB's principle until recently. I have been trying to be patient, analyze, support, understand, etc... since I found out about her. Because, the A totally caught me off guard, and I knew it was completely out of his character.

What's so strange is that we don't ever fight. We get along so well, which is part of the reason this whole thing is so hard to accept. And, I wouldn't really say it was a fight, I just expressed some anger and feelings that according to Plan A, I probably should have differently. He countered, and feelings were exposed.

I just wanted him to know, that him staying with her overnight was not according to his "gameplan," and that it upset me very much. He and I are often tempted to break the "rule of celebacy," too, but I remind him that it would only set him back in any progress he's hoping to make.

As far as baby goes, I plan to bring baby home to my MIL's. H knows this. I cannot stay in the same house with H, because the OP calls all the time, and it's like peeling a very old band-aid off, over and over... Just can't do it and take care of my babies, too.

Thanks, MOP

[QUOTE]

Originally posted by Mother of Pearl:

He and I are often tempted to break the "rule of celebacy," too, but I remind him that it would only set him back in any progress he's hoping to make.

[QUOTE]

Sorry, I don't understand ....

What are you talking about here? What is the rule of celebacy?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Part of his gameplan with his therapist is to not engage in physical intimacy with either OP or myself. His therapist believes continued intimacy with both or either would only cloud his thinking even more, and he will never be able to make a clear and conscious decision on which one he wishes to be with...

She wants him to concentrate on just himself for the time being, and not put a deadline on any decision. However, I think H is feeling anxious because of the baby's arrival just upon us...

I know it may sound naive, but he was actually successful for a week or so...

Mother of Pearl

I don't answer posts unless I truly think I have something to offer -- but in this case, I just wanted to give you a big hug after reading your story. Waiting for him to decide -- whenever -- which one he wants to be with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yeeeeesh. When you're having a baby too.

Hang in there...I'm sure some wise folks with good advice will continue to pop by this thread and help you out.

Awed

P.S. one suggestion is that you could also try posting on General Questions where there appears to be higher traffic -- that's what I did with my Plan A question. And I've gotten some terrific feedback as a result...

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Mother of Pearl,

I'm not wise and don't have any good advice, just wanted to commiserate since my situation is so similar to yours. My WH was trying to decide whether to stay with me or go with the OW when I was giving birth to my second child, and he's still trying to decide now, 7 1/2 months later. I am also living with my MIL (she's in my house), but that is no deterrent to my H blatently carrying on with the OW in front of her eyes as well as in front of mine. The other way in which our H's are similar is that my H also tells me things like "things are bad" as if to convey how much pressure HE is under because of this situation, as if the situation just dropped on us from the sky rather than being a direct result of his behavior. Like you, I am reluctant to move to Plan B but I'm seriously considering it (although I haven't figured out the logistics of dealing with the kids) because I think my Plan A has deteriorated into a situation where I am essentially giving him carte blanche to continue vacillating between us and not make a decision, never making him face any negative consequences for his actions, and therefore I'm enabling him to continue hurting me. I would urge you not to end up where I am, but unfortunately can't give you advice on how to avoid it!