Hello to all the bravehearts on these boards!

I've been lurking here for months and doing a sometimes successful Plan A lately. I say sometimes because though I've seen a few glimpses of the man I used to know, it seems he retreats back into the fog as soon as he realizes he was in danger of feeling anything other than his usual cold denial. You won't be surprised to hear he's most human with me when he and OW are having problems and then he gets angry and backs off when they make up again.

I'm thinking of going to Plan B but I'm scared. I don't want to give him any more excuses to point his finger and accuse me of being a #itch. He's not a "chaser" by any means--I KNOW he won't come after me so I worry by writing a Plan B letter, I'll just send him further into her corner. I'm even thinking she might clue him into this technique as she tried to save her own marriage a couple of yrs ago.

I'd like to hear what reactions everyone had to their own Plan B. Anger? Indifference? How long before you know it's time to give up?

Thanks to all those brave posters who have taught me so much over the past year!

Jaz
betrayed
I am 48, WH is 58
13 years married, 1 child
D-day was 8-02
His PA with divorced OW began 7-02
no other affairs
We're seperated, divorce filed by WS and counterfiled by me but no one's moving on it.
I've been following MB & Divorce Busters with my own screw-ups in the mix
Had a good marriage but last 2 yrs were stressful due to other circumstances--think WS is in mid-life crisis and OP is possibly a the "exit affair"

Hi Jaz,

I went to plan B for my santity. It was for my protection so how the WS was affected did not scare me off what I needed to do for me.

Initially it threw the WS and Ow for a loop. I recall the e-mails where she told him to 'watch out for L, she is acting cool and aloof so she must be up to something'. Geeze, I just couldn't please the OW. When I would get upset, she'd yell at me, when I would be non-chalant, she'd accuse me of being up to something....

Once I realized that part of the Ow tactic was to try and control me, I knew plan B was imminent. It was the best thing I did.

Told H, I was only going to engage in coversations with him about 3 items ($$, mail and child visitation). Boy you should have seen him call and try to talk about the moon....any small stupid thing. I told him I was busy and these were not part of the 3 items. Then he threw that "don't you love me?" line. Arrrgh... that made me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I told him to stop trifling with me or I'd go tell his OW he was trying to be nice. He would get angry and I'd remind him to stay that way..... Oh yea, plan B gave me relief. I no longer had to carry the be nice plan and be treated like an old heel.

L.

Thanks, L, I know what you mean about getting some relief. When my WS is in fog mode - most of the time--I feel much better when I don't see him. His rejection and comments are just plain cruel and even though I know it's not about me but about him, I can't help but feel attacked. I don't pursue or contact him unless it's absolutely neccessary anymore and I ask him to leave a message or e-mail instead of phoning. The past month he opened up to me for the first time since DD and I couldn't help but feel some real hope--then, crash, OW welcomed him back and the fog returned.

He also told me he had been severely depressed but is now on a new anti-depressant that he says is working. I thought it might lessen the fog but seems to have ended the pain for him as well as the questioning he was beginning to do. He now says he is not in love with OW--that's a change from what he said on DD, at least.

I guess I'm afraid if I do a formal Plan B, he'll say, well, that's that, she's through, she's just being a #itch. The one thing I know about him is that he will never "pursue" me. BUT this should be about what I need and not about his reaction, ya think?

I'm uncomfortable about copying a B letter to the OW. He gets furious if I speak of her or contact her in any way and so does she. Why is it important to include her?

Jaz

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jazmom:
<strong>I'm uncomfortable about copying a B letter to the OW. He gets furious if I speak of her or contact her in any way and so does she. Why is it important to include her? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jaz, that letter would be a shadow in OW's A & putting stress in their A ! Maybe WH lies so much about your R ... some WH told OW that the M is over and BS won't take them back !.

-rh-

Thanks, I know he's lied to her (and to himself!) I feel sure she doesn't have a clue to the emotions he's experienced lately. She only sees the happy, confident face he puts on. I don't know how she's justified their relationship unless she also lies to herself. She claims her own marriage ended against her will when her H had an affair (but I've heard conflicting opinions on that)so how in the world can she think this is any different. I can see how the B letter might unnerve her but I still think she and he will only get furious with me, accuse me of manipulating, etc.

Just afraid it will backfire on me.