I have posted other messages in this section under NEB if you need to get some more background on my situation, but here is the short version. Married 5 years, together 12. Wife lost attraction long ago to me (approx8-9 years). Over that time she has hoped that the feeling would come back, but they did not. Two months ago, she had an affair and awakened a sexual drive that she thought she wasn't capable of anymore. As a result, she decided that I was the problem and that there is no hope that she could feel like that with me. Truth...I am 12 years old..she won't feel that with me..not to that level. Other truth...now that she realizes the pottential, which neither of us thought was possible, we have something to work toward. We visited a sex therapist and she talked about how if two people WANT to find that lost passion in their relationship it is very possible. The key is that they have to WANT to try and that there are many things that can be done to create it. My wife has given up. She has no hope, no motivation. She is quitting on us...on me. When I think of what marriage means to me, the most important part is that both parties are devoted to trying EVERYTHING possible to make the relationship work. If things don't work after trying EVERYTHING, then maybe things aren't right, but I always thought that we would try EVERYTHING before deciding that. My frustration is that now is the first time we have had a real shot at building that passion that we lost so long ago. Why now? Why is it too late now...when there is finally reason for hope?
She wants time apart to see what she wants. The kicker is that she wants to be with him at the same time. I cannot handle knowing that they are together building a relationship while ours is being put on the back burner. I feel like I have to cut it off and get over her and forget her. That is the last thing I want to do, but seems to be the only way to protect myself from further abuse. Does anyone have any suggestions for me...what SHOULD I do? Thank you.

This is my 2¢. Have you done plan A and has she acknowledge it ? ... if both answer is yes ... draft PBL and hand it to her the day she moved out.

She is not a quitter but a cake eater !.

I really suggest you to get conseling w/ prof. to review your situation & coach you if plan B is needed.

-rh-

I tried Plan A and she is still unwilling to give up OM. At the same time she is not willing to tell me it is over. I believe her main motivation is to try and keep me as a friend (an emotional need she has) at the end of al this. She is a cake eater!

What is a PBL?

Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong>What is a PBL?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B Letter.

How strong is your plan A ? ... Her A seems like ExitA. Does she see your changes ?. How muh do you know about OM ?. Is he ready to take her or there is more likely OM will LB'ed WW ?.

-rh-

The OM is 16 years her senior, has two other girlfriends, and is a very very smoth talker. I had the honor of reading one of his love letters (email) to her. That is how I found out the truth. He has a real way of making it sound like he only wants what is right for her and that he will not try and persuade her, but at the same time he tells her all the things he wants to do with her and how much he loves her. He refers to that as an honest expression of his feelings...not persuation...which is exaclty what it really is. I think he is ready to accept her as much as he is capable of. I think he is telling her everything she wants to hear...which is most likely what he is doing with his other girlfriends.
My Plan A is very stong I believe. The problem is that it has been so long that she has no hope that things could be any different with us. She has given up on that dream. She has not really given me a chance to show her my changes. She won't put any energy into our relationship now. She says she needs time right now to decide if she will ever give us a chance, but I think you are right...it is an exitA. Why would time lead her back to me? I have no hope that it would based on her hopeless attitude.

Thanks for replying

Go to Plan B.

It is time for her to deal with the reality of the OM satisfying ALL of her EN's. The odds are that she is going to be in for a very rude awakening.

Some of my friends and family have suggested a different method than plan B. From reading books and this web site I know it is not a good way to do things, but I am curious what your responses would be.
They believe that she is on drugs and that he is the dealer. If she could get off the drugs, she would come back to her senses and snap back into our M. This is how they think I should motivate her to end things with him:
1. Remove him from the equation by putting the fear of God in him.
2. Tell her that I will tell all our friends and family.
3. Tell his girlfriends.
4. Tell his boss and collegues.
5. Tell her that I will tell her collegues as well.
6. Use our friendship and the fear that it will be lost forever as leverage. (The truth is that the only reason she hasn't ended it yet is to save our friendship and possibly her reputation)

I do not agree with this method based on what I have learned works. I am curious if there is anyone out there who has tried these types of threats/action? What happened?

IF you have proof that he is giving her drugs then you should contact your local authorities to have him arrested. An individual who is dealing with drugs is a menace to every member of society, and if you have a chance to take him out then it is your duty to do so.

I think maybe you misunderstood me. I meant the drug thing as a metaphor.

1. Remove him from the equation by putting the fear of God in him.
Don't make threats, eiher implied or real.

2. Tell her that I will tell all our friends and family.
3. Tell his girlfriends.
4. Tell his boss and collegues.
5. Tell her that I will tell her collegues as well.
Don't threaten to do this, just do it. THis is something which Harley recommends you do. And no, you don't need to tell her you are going to do it. It's not to be done as a threat, just that you are informing others of the situation.

6. Use our friendship and the fear that it will be lost forever as leverage.
Right now, her affair is MORE than enough for her. You're friendship is probably not in her mind at all. Acd it will be even less if you act badly at this point.

(The truth is that the only reason she hasn't ended it yet is to save our friendship and possibly her reputation)
No, the truth is that the affair is an addiction.

I am curious if there is anyone out there who has tried these types of threats/action? What happened?
There are probably people out there who have done this and had it work. But there are also people out there who smoke 4 packs a day and will die at 98 old age. It's the exception and NOT the rule. Use MB principles and Plan A/B the correct way and you will know you did your best to salvage your marriage.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Just to clarify...You would suggest that I do the following 2-5? or that all 1-6 is a bad idea?

I am hesitant to tell everyone because I fear it would make it that much harder for her to come back to our life if she was ashamed with everyone we know together. It might seem like too much work.

2. Tell her that I will tell all our friends and family.
3. Tell his girlfriends.
4. Tell his boss and collegues.
5. Tell her that I will tell her collegues as well.
Don't threaten to do this, just do it. And no, you don't need to tell her you are going to do it. It's not to be done as a threat, just that you are informing others of the situation.

Yes, do 2-5. Don't threaten to do it. Tell everyone that she is having an affair and you do not want a divorce and you did not kick her out.

This puts pressure on their relationship.

I am hesitant to tell everyone because I fear it would make it that much harder for her to come back
She's not coming back now. She won't come back until the affair is over. Telling everyone helps to accomplish this.

And read the lnks below.

"Telling everyone helps to accomplish this."

How does this accomplish the ending of the A? I will do it if I think it would help. I will do anything to end the A if I think it is possible. Convince me...please.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong>"Telling everyone helps to accomplish this."

How does this accomplish the ending of the A? I will do it if I think it would help. I will do anything to end the A if I think it is possible. Convince me...please.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Affairs are fueled by lies and deceit, and because of this they usually don't do very well when they are exposed to the light of day. Why? because your WW won't be able to fool anybody that what she is doing is morally correct and because it forces her to question her behavior as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Neb:
<strong>anything to end the A if I think it is possible. Convince me...please.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one could end her A except herself ... however you could take steps to help it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

You have to do tough love in this case ... similiar to plan B but with contact. By pass plan A ... it won't work since there is drug involve here ... she has to wake up from there before any chance of recovery of your M is possible.

You had been given adviced by 2 of the most experience in MB ... follow it. You have to make A in the day light otherwise you are enabeling her drug habit plus her A !. She has to hit the bottom before she could get out of it ... help her to get there.

I even agree to get police involve ... you could get PI to help you out ... they could call the police ... heck!, most of them are off duty cops anyway !!!.

You can end A but you can help to create the situation where A is unbearable to them.

-rh-

I want to make it clear again. My W is not actually on drugs. I used that as a metaphor. The relationship being the drug and him being the dealer. I didn't want to get off track. Sorry if I wasn't clear before.

As for telling everyone and doing things to help stop the affair. Does anyone know where I can read up on this a bit more? I have learned to play my moves carefully.

Thanks

If you have not read "Surviving An Affair", you need to get it now.

Thanks for the recommendation. I checked it out online and it looks like just what I need now. I won't be able to get it until tomorrow and I am dying to know what it suggests to end an affair (i.e. what can I do). Does anyone know off the top of their head?

Thanks again

Plan A, tell everyone about the affair then Plan B.

Everything in the book is on this website.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I had to add a comment about exposing the A to everyone. As you've commented, and A is like an addiction. It thrives best in secrecy. You're in on the secret now. By not exposing the A, you're enabling it to continue without repercussions. Trust me, when it is exposed, WW will feel uncomfortable. Nobody in their right mind would want it known that they were violating their marriage vows. And she'll have to deal with the reality that most people find her behavior to be wrong. It won't be easy to rationalize that what she's doing is right when so many people disapprove.