It's become time for me to resort to plan B. After being in plan A for many months, last night I found H and OW together in hotel room. This was 2 days after he sent her the NC letter and professed his committment to me and our marriage. I know now that he needs to find out what NC with me is like. We have been married 27 years and together for 34, so I really don't know how to live without him. He says he is messed up and doesn't like the person he's become...that he loves me and wants the marriage. My question is...I've noticed several people commenting about writing a plan B letter, but haven't read anything about what it should contain. I could use some suggestion. Plan B should be commencing in the next day or 2. Thanks

nlk- I'm new here to but have done a lot of reading. Under "search" type in Plan A and Plan B, or Plan B letter. It is used to protect the love you still have for H. You H sounds just like mine, my H has promised NC with OW 9 different times, and continues to go back to her. I gave him letter 9 days ago. Basically it said I love him, always thought we would be together, made covenant with God and him that I intend to keep. Sorry for my part in marriage going downhill, but we have faced many problems together and I think we can get through this. However to protect my love for you, I can't go through this anymore, and want NC until OW is out of the picture. When that happens, we can get help in developing a plan to restore marriage.
Then you have to stick to no contact. My H has been to my house 3 or 4 times. I don't let him in, just tell him to read the letter again. In the meantime to get through this, I have been working on me, reading on this site, exercising, joined womens bible study, rearranged house, cleaned house to sparkling, relandscaped yard, worked on spiritual side of my life, painted house,etc.,etc.,etc. It's not easy, but I feel much better. Read up on it, and believe me there are experts here, if you post letter, they will give you feedback. Good luck.

Your WH's behavior is something that requires professional counseling, is he willing to go to counseling?

We've tried counseling both together and separate on many occasions. (with different counselors) The problem with my H is that he's so highly intelligent and smooth, he can con the counselor the same way he's conned me! Right now I have him reading all the MB materials which I feel have more relevance than most of the information we've gotten from counselors. I know that if I made it an ultimatum, then he'd go, but I'm not sure there's much value in it for him.

That is the risk of Plan B. Don't do it unless you are ready to let him go. Don't let him push you to that...you need to be ready yourself. He will do things that will make you want to end things with him. Don't give him the satisfaction of you being the one who ends things. Make him take that reponsibility. If you need to get out for your own wellbeing then do so, but if you are not sure you are willing to loose him...don't start Plan B yet.

You are not alone.

I disagree with the previous poster because if you stay in Plan A for too long your love bank is eventually going to go in the red and you are no longer going to have enough love left for Plan B (and/or marital recovery) and simply opt for divorce. In Plan B your WH is going to have to deal with REALITY and affairs don't do so well when reality decides to intrude.

The previous poster has a good point.
Being in your shoes I think I understand what you are feeling though.
You are not ready to stop trying...even though everything you have tried has seemed to fail. I know because that is where I am at now. I am teetering between Plan A and B. I still feel like I could show my W the light some way if I could only find it. The problem is..If you start plan B when you still feel like that, in order for Plan B to be effective, you have to stop all contact. That means they have to see the light for themselves. I feel like I have said everything that need to be said to my W and it still has done nothing. She doesn't want to hear it from me. She needs to figure it out for herself. That is the hardest part. It all seems so clear to you/me. Why is it so hard for her to see?
When you can accept that nothing you can say or do will make a difference, but you still have the desire to save the relationship (love in your love bank). Maybe it is time for Plan B, but you need to have accepted that there is nothing else you can do. It is a last resort.

Plan B has begun and I am in great pain. I told a few friends at work who are a great source of support. In my case, I don't think H understands the consequences of his actions...and I think he's been working really hard to keep both me and OW happy. When I found them together again yesterday, I knew that I'd done all I could, and the only thing left to do is let him understand what life without me will be like. It is going to be excruitiatingly difficult for me to follow the NC plan. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the best chance I have to recover my marriage.

Plan B has begun
You didn't even know what is was yesterday.
Did you write a letter?
How about posting it here for review?

Have you considered calling Marriage Builders (read below) for help with this?

Yes, I knew what plan B was yesterday...just unsure about what to include in a letter. Although you haven't seen me posting here before, I have done much reading and soul searching. I resent the tone of your post as though I'm some ignorant person...maybe this isn't the right place for me to find support.

Sorry if my post upset you.
You just registered and only had 5 posts. Because of this, as well as your questions, I figured you had not read much on the site.

I resent the tone of your post
There was no “tone“ intended, apart from not wanting you to move too quickly before you understood what you needed about Plan A/B.

Many people come here, read one post about & think they know everything here. It’s not something you do without a bit of understanding the what’s and why’s.

as though I'm some ignorant person
Ignorance is simply not knowing something. You were ignorant of Plan B letter as I was ignorant of your having read much here.

maybe this isn't the right place for me to find support
Sorry if asking if you wrote a Plan B letter “hurt” you.

Did you write a Plan B letter?
Can you post is here?

Have you considered calling Marriage Builders (read below) for help with this? It’s not generally something to be done without at least some professional help.

You should at least read “Surviving An Affair”.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I have ordered Surviving An Affair as well as His Needs Her Needs...they should arrive any day. As far as a Plan B letter goes...yes I wrote the letter, and he responded in kind, saying that he would respect my wishes and leave. We have had NC since. This has not been a rushed decision...plan A has been in effect for 10 months and he continues to go back and forth between us...something I can't tolerate any more and MB uses as a key point at which plan B should be initiated. H had no incentive to make a decision one way or the other.

As far as a Plan B letter goes...yes I wrote the letter,
Would you post it here?

H had no incentive to make a decision one way or the other.
And does he now? Did you give him the option in your Plan B letter to make this decision?

Chris-
Here is my letter:
Dear H
As much as I love you and can't imagine my life without you, the time has come for me to focus on taking care of myself. Your continued contact with OW has created a situation in our marriage that I can no longer tolerate. I can't sit by any longer while you go back and forth between us. To that end, I don't want us to have any more contact until the time you can decide what you really want in your life - what you can truly commit to.

Since you haven't been able to stop contact with OW, you need to realize what life without me and our family will be like. I'm no longer going to settle for a part time husband. I want you to move to the condo. You will need to email me a post office obx, and I'll send all your mail to you.

If there comes a point where you have a better understanding of who you are, and what you really want from you life, and if we decide to try our marriage again, Marriage Builders offers suggestions on rebuilding a marraige that I think would be vital for us to follow. I would need your commitment to that process.
While you are away from me, I hope you will be able to find out what is causing you so much unhappiness. Please know that I love you and I always will.