I'd be curious to know what others in this forum think about taking some form of vendetta against the OM (in my case) or OW whilst you are in Plan B.

Although OM in my situation is single I could cause him a great deal of pain in both his work and personal life by communicating "information" (e.g. what he's been up to on co. time) to the right people. I have contact details of all the people in his company, and e-mail addresses of his family.

I know my WW would absolutely freak if I did this but it would provide me with some feelings of satisfaction along the lines of "Take that you [censored]". WW has already stated "Don't call him, it'll only make things worse etc. etc.".

With our 5-year old daughter in the middle of all this I don't want to cause problems for her or inflame an already delicate situation.

Has anyone acted out a vendetta? If so what were the consequences? Did it help things or did it rapidly deteriorate the relationship between you & your WW/WH?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Proverbs 6 32 But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. 33 Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away; 34 for jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge. 35 He will not accept any compensation; he will refuse the bribe, however great it is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even after reading this scripture, I would not take revenge on someone. They can always pay you back. Remember, pay back is a ..... Especially if Other person is with the WS.

Ziggy,
Just some backround info.... I had telephone bills that proved my FWH had talked to OW at her place of employment for 3 hours???? I made the threat that I would get her fired for essentially stealing from the company. She was a store manager. I decided not to do anything. She was promoted to Loss Prevention a couple of months later. I just recently found out she was fired from her job. I don't know the circumstances ( I would love to).
I guess my satisfaction comes from what goes around comes around. Your W OM will get his dues, maybe not on the timeline that we would wish but it does happen.
My recommendation don't do anthing but try to let go. It's hard, I'm still dealing with this.
JMVHO
SH01

I'm new to the board but can certainly empathize with you. My WW revealed her EA/PA to me and I'm on a similar rollercoaster of Plan A, divorce/despair, and wanting to do harm (with the pen not the sword) to him. Violence either physical or emotional/psychological won't do either of us any good in the long run. It is particularly tempting though but I am (currently) agreeing the others that you should just sit tight. Yeah, it's hell. Good luck

I have been considering the same thing in my situation. My W has asked for time apart from me, while still being allowd to see OM. It is a distant relationship and she has told me she plans to see him in two weeks. I am thinking of telling her all the people I will be calling in order to try and keep her from seeing him. If she chooses to go anyway...I will tell everyone...including his people too. Everyone here tells me not to tell her before hand and just to do it. I, like you, don't want to totally piss her off and drive us farther apart, but in a way I feel both of them deserve some pain. I agree it would feel good in a way, but what is your goal? Do you want her back later? On the flip side...Even though it would piss her off, everyone has told me that it will help stop the A. When the A comes out into the open it loses it secrecy and some of its excitement. It also makes both of them uncomfortable around people who now know. What to do..I don't know yet, but I am right there with you. I will be curious to see what you decide to do.

Everyone here tells me not to tell her before hand and just to do it.
If you tell her before, then it's a threat. It's meant to be natural consequences of her actions.

I, like you, don't want to totally piss her off and drive us farther apart
But it's a consequence of her action a dn not done to piss her off.

in a way I feel both of them deserve some pain.
It's okay to "feel" this way but feelings should not always be acted upon.

Besides, do you really want to hurt the one you love?

<small>[ October 09, 2003, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks Chris. You have a nice way of being level headed about all this. I guess I still feel like I am "walking on egg shells" and don't want to do anything that will push my W away and make it harder for her to come back. You have to admit...it would take a great act of humility to come back to a world wheer everyone you know and work with thinks you are a slime for what you did. That is exactly what they would think with us. What to do...what to do? Unfortunatly ultimatly it is my decision. I will be reading Surviving an Affair over the weekend. I am sure that will help me. For now though. I am going to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! for all the advise, kind words, and support that everyone has given me so far. You are all wonderful people.

Ziggy,

I thought long and hard about doing what you are talking about. I have the time....money....and attitude to "get even" with the OM; who happened to be my brother-in-law.

After much thought and PRAYER, I decided I would NOT get down in the gutter with him. He will pay for his actions; either in this world or the next. I'll leave it up to God and let him take care of it.

I'm no saint; just someone who tries to keep my principles and ethics as high as possible.

I am a former OM and the fourth OM to that serial cheater WW. She initiated it. My moral brain (sometimes it works ) stopped me from having sex with her. (Thank God). God gave me enough pain to see what i was involved in. the A was only 3 months . But my recovery from depression took an year. I am guilty . This is something that i have to face all my life.

I would seriously advice you to harm him (not physically). We have to face what we did. Whether it is the WW or the OM or BS. Everybody has to see the consequences . Give a **** about that OM. If ur W is against this , ask just only one Question, Him or You. Then let her decide.

Ya know, I always thought that I'd want revenge on the OW-wannabe that nearly destroyed my marriage. I finally realized that I'm not healed and over it if I still give her the power to allow me to hate. I refuse to give her that power, although I did for a long time. You have only truly put it behind you when you are able to release any and all emotion towards the person; thereby, making them insignificant in your life. Carrying anger and hate only gives the person significance and power in your life. These emotions also do not hurt the OP - they hurt you and poison you.

The best revenge I ever got on her was to make her insignificant.

Just my thoughts.

You need to reveal all. If it pushes her away then she was probably gone already. One of the posts above said do him harm. I agree, by making it public he will be judged if he is married his W will make things real uncomfortable. I waited a year to inform OM W. Threatened to do it several times. Once all she was worried about is that it would hurt him and his family. The next time she said do what you think you have to do. I didn't act on it until we separated and figured I had nothing to loose. Their A is only emotional. Well OM W has made his life Hell so much so he tried in some way to get my W to have sex. This has changed the dynamics of teir A and it is giving me a chance to get her back. Yes it can be risky but for me it was sink or swim so I did it.

To notify her place of employment?, yep I would anything to put pressure on the A.

You cant just call up and say my WW is doing so-and so, therefore to explain that you know the affair is going on you have to provide details, such as the usage of the phone, computer or if fellow co-worker the meetings they have during working hours.

I was put in that position with my WW and her OP who both work for the same entity, to call and simply say they are having a A just doesnt do it, you have to give details.

The place they work for has a sexual harrassment policy, states that any contact between members of the opposite sex that engage in any activity which interferes with the work enviorment is prohibited, well to get my point across I had to explain to bossman that they were using city phones, computers and I was able to provide my W cell phone bills documenting the number of the OP, outgoing and incomming calls.

It was done not for revenge but to seperate the two, well still waiting for that seperation, has not happened yet, but I did have some satisfaction knowing that everyone that works with them knows what is going on.

Ziggy,

If you are simply exposing the affair, then I say do it. Its a natural and integral part of plan A. And if you didn't do it then, and their A is still secret, chances are plan B won't work. Of course it's a risk, but so is plan B, so is marriage in general. There are no guarantees.

But if their A has already been exposed and you're doing it just to get back at OM. That is, you are literally talking about acting out a vendetta, then I'd think again.

First off, this is LBing in a huge way. Remember the principles of MB as best you can. This is something that if you do now, will probably just tell your WS that she was right to leave in the first place because you weren't the man she thought you were.

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: TooTired4Words ]</small>