I am really not interested in separation, I believe it hurts the kids. Can plan B be executed in the same house? Probably not....... well, here's the long of the short of it......I sometimes wander if I ever really, really trusted my husband. Sometimes, I wander if maybe I have a problem with the way I see things or some jealousy issues. My best friend says that I take facts and literally chop them up in a matter of seconds. If you don't get me in the right direction with my analysis of the issues, it may be to late.

Well, that may be how it is with how I look at my husband now, because I don't trust him. However, I may have started in the wrong direction in my thinking (I don't think so, but maybe), but I'm on the right road now!

I met my husband in college. He was trying to date me, my roommate and the girl across the hall, at the same time-little did I know at the time. I was a freshman, he a senior with a nice car! Dating deceptions in college are the norm. I had 2 "kinda" boyfriends myself at other schools.

There were many times in our dating years (4) that I wasn't quite sure if I was the only one. Even when we got serious (years 3 and 4). But by year 4, I was in-love. We got married. Two years later, had our first child. Year 3 of our marriage was the first time I was suspicious that he may be cheating. I confronted him. He emphatically denied that he had cheated on me. I had very little evidence. I got over it. I believed him. Year 6 of our marriage, we had our second child. That next year, I wanted to start my own company. My husband was less than supportive, downright insulting of my skills. That was the start of my resentment of him and what I expected in a partner, a friend, the person who is suppose to be my best friend.

Year 10 of our marriage, I actually asked him to leave. He tried to put our children in the argument. We got over it, more accurately, we ignored the issues. In this year, I decided I did not want anymore children especially with my husband. I not only terminated a pregnancy, I made sure that I could not have any more children. Although I talked with my husband about my decision, he was very hurt. So, in year 12 of our marriage, my husband said to me that we were really only together because of the kids. That hurt me tremendously.

Towards the end of year 12, I found out that he had been having a heated affair with another women. At one point, she thought she may be pregnant with his child. Thank goodness, she wasn't pregnant. I lost all trust in him. How could he do such a thing to us, to me, to our children. I confronted him. He denied, denied, denied. All the while, laughing at me. I could see it. He had changed his e-mail profile to include as his favorite quote "Deny, Deny, Deny!" His computer screen had on it "it's cheaper to keep her" on it.

I was able to get into his e-mail. They had graphic descriptions of their relationship and sexual activities. I have copies of it as evidence. Some how, with all the things happening to me in my career, I was able to move past this. I felt that he had ended the relationship that he wouldn't admit to. I moved on.

In year 15 of our marriage, I found out that not only was he keeping up with that old girlfriend, he had 2 other girlfriends. One of his girls worked with him. This information devastated me. The co-worker is someone that is in my same circle. This is hard on me in many ways.

I confronted him with the information. I even showed him evidence. I told him that he needed to leave them alone, to have NO contact with them. Of course he denies everything and even tries to turn the tables and say that I am insulting him and invading his privacy.

I may have invaded his privacy but he shouldn't have had anything to hide. Boy, did he though.
I wish I had whatever these other wives have to ignore this stuff. But I don't and is eating me up alive!

I want to stay with my husband for one really important reason, my son. I don't think my son could emotionally handle us divorced. He is really sensitive and reactionary. My daughter is much stronger. That means I have 8 more years with this man. I want to know how to do it. I have been contemplating sleeping (most of the time) in another room. I've tried it, but my son ask many questions. Our home is large enough to be separated in the same house. I know that sounds insane. My best friend thinks I am crazy and am sacrificing my happiness when the children already know something is amiss. I know it also. I've made the decision to stick it out. I come from a divorced family and I really wish my parents would have stuck it out or at least tried counseling.

Communication between my husband and I is really bad. Pretty much the only civil conversations we have (if any) are when we are talking about our children and the coordination of their activities. The way separated parents talk to each other about their children. I am very uncomfortable in my house. If we can come to some "understanding", I could move on with my life.

Sex use to be great, even with the issues. Now it isn't. I get visions of him with someone else while we are having sex (I wouldn't call it making love anymore). Because of those thoughts, sex is sometimes painful. I just want to get it over with. We have sex maybe once per month. My situation may be way past counseling assistance. Even if it isn't, he has never, I mean never been a fan of counseling (telling your business to some stranger, or anyone for that matter). I could and probably should go for counseling, but they would never see my husband.

My situation is hopeless. I just need to come to an understanding so that I will know what to expect and be able to move on with my life and find some happiness elsewhere for 8 more years. No, I am not talking about cheating.

Strawberrywife anew!

Your question doesnt' seem to be about Plan B. You're in a horrible situation and you are asking how to cope with it.
I completely disagree with staying together under these circumstances. Yes, your son would miss him, but researchers are learning that in the long run, staying in these unhealthy marriages are doing more harm than good. This could be part of your son's sensitivity now.
The best gift you can give your child is a good marriage. Seeing unhealthy communication patterns and contempt is NOT good for the kids. There is HOSTILITY in what he's written.
I'm not saying you need to give up. This website is about saving marriages. I suggest that you get into marriage counseling NOW. Just tell him you need to talk about how to handle this situation as to not hurt the kids.
If he won't go, remind him that it would be cheaper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> to go with you!
Good luck.

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: SusanBT ]</small>

When my husband wrote those things as a screen saver on his computer, that was three years ago. I now sense that he wants to patch things up. I just believe that he is keeping his "relationships" up for just in case. I know he hasn't ended all contact and he still says that I am misguided in my thinking about his affairs. He still does not admit that he has had any.

Maybe the kids and I can go to counseling. I haven't asked them anything. But they aren't stupid. I know they sense something. My husband will not go to counseling. I've tried all sorts of stuff. Its something he grew up believing, about airing out your family issues to anybody.

SusanBT, I know you're right about harm to the children. Separation and divorce is also harmful to the children. The best solution would be to get our relationship on the right track.

Last night I had a dream about giving a speech about forgivness. Should I be trying? I don't think I will ever get him to admit anything......

SusanBT, you are right, I am trying to cope. Thanks for your wishes.

For the question in the title to your thread, no. Plan B's foundation is no contact at all, and that cannot be achieved from within the same house.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really not interested in separation, I believe it hurts the kids.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So does infidelity. Click on the "Concepts" link, then the "Articles" link, and read the article titled: "Infidelity: the lessons children learn".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Towards the end of year 12, I found out that he had been having a heated affair with another women.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you that this is probably not the first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I lost all trust in him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust is earned. Losing trust in someone betraying you is natural, to be expected, and probably one of the more useful self-defense mechanisms we have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How could he do such a thing to us, to me, to our children. I confronted him. He denied, denied, denied. All the while, laughing at me. I could see it. He had changed his e-mail profile to include as his favorite quote "Deny, Deny, Deny!" His computer screen had on it "it's cheaper to keep her" on it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is incredibly disrespectful of you. Has he always demonstrated this lack of respect for you and your feelings?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was able to get into his e-mail. They had graphic descriptions of their relationship and sexual activities. I have copies of it as evidence. Some how, with all the things happening to me in my career, I was able to move past this. I felt that he had ended the relationship that he wouldn't admit to. I moved on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And here is your big mistake when it comes to recovery. You need a recovery plan.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In year 15 of our marriage, I found out that not only was he keeping up with that old girlfriend, he had 2 other girlfriends. One of his girls worked with him. This information devastated me. The co-worker is someone that is in my same circle. This is hard on me in many ways.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Holy cripes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I confronted him with the information. I even showed him evidence. I told him that he needed to leave them alone, to have NO contact with them. Of course he denies everything and even tries to turn the tables and say that I am insulting him and invading his privacy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he says that, they all say that. Here is the skinny: it isn't your job to prove that you CAN'T trust him. It is HIS job to prove that you CAN. So, to recover from an affair, measures have to be taken to ensure that contact is not restarted. His failure to meet these conditions ONE time is a sign of backsliding. HE has destroyed the trust and it is HIS job to rebuild it - not yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I may have invaded his privacy but he shouldn't have had anything to hide. Boy, did he though.
I wish I had whatever these other wives have to ignore this stuff. But I don't and is eating me up alive!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I can say that you have had to endure a multiple affair situation. It's actually pretty uncommon that I've seen that out here - although not rare.

Dr. Harley:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Almost everyone denies an affair at first, even when confronted with overpowering evidence. When a woman I counseled broke in on her husband having sex with a neighbor, he tried to convince her that she was having an hallucination.

While seeing your spouse in bed with a lover is sure-fire evidence of an affair, that kind of evidence is usually close to impossible to find. But there are many other less intrusive ways to detect ongoing affairs.

For an unfaithful spouse to engage in an affair without detection, two separate lives must be created, one for the lover and one for the spouse. A certain amount of dishonesty is required in both of them, but the major deception is with the spouse.

So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Because of those thoughts, sex is sometimes painful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO NOT DO IT IF IT IS PAINFUL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My situation may be way past counseling assistance. Even if it isn't, he has never, I mean never been a fan of counseling (telling your business to some stranger, or anyone for that matter). I could and probably should go for counseling, but they would never see my husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, your situation is not beyond counselling, but it is beyond the amateur experience of the members out here. There is one member out here who IS a pro. She posts over on the JFO board under the screen name Cerri, and is really good - particularly with infidelity. I think you need to get in touch with her and schedule a session - with or w/o your H. Actually, for the first session, it may be best if you don't even invite him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My situation is hopeless. I just need to come to an understanding so that I will know what to expect and be able to move on with my life and find some happiness elsewhere for 8 more years.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your situation is not without hope. First of all, I want you to BUY the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and read the entire thing - multiple times. Dog-ear it and make it a part of you. Secondly, read all of the "Basic Concepts" out here. This will explain a lot to you, and it really sounds like your Giver is in overdrive. Thirdly, read the infidelity articles. I'm going to paste the links for these in here for you.

Coping With Infidelity Part 1: the beginning

Coping with Infidelity Part 2: How Should Affairs End?

Coping with Infidelity part 3: Restoring the Marital Relationship

Then, go over on the "Just Found Out" board and post a topic to Cerri.

<small>[ October 14, 2003, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>