My question is just that. H and I have been living separately for about 7 weeks now. I moved to MIL's only because OW would call the house, or H would call OW, with no regard to my feelings. The phone calls made me crazy. Plus, when he would leave, saying, "I'm going to meet with her, we have stuff to talk about," my mind would just spin...

It was going ok for the first month or so. But now, H's spending way less time with Daughter and I, and I know it just makes it easier for him to spend more time with OW. So, now I have less time to fill the EN's.

Should I just ride it out and hope the A will become too chaotic for him, or get strong, move back in and deal with the phone calls? I almost feel at this point that Plan B would be just as effective. However, baby is due in 3 weeks, and Plan B wouldn't work...

What do you all think?

Me-BS 32
WH-29 (on the edge of "30," if that means ANYTHING
met Oct 95
married Mar 99
EA started Apr 03
PA started Aug 03
Dday May 30 03
WH has "broken up" with OW three times, and can't seem to kick the habit

MoP -

Well, seven weeks does not sound as though it's very long, but I think the length of time on plan A has to be a time period with which you are comfortable. If seven weeks is all you could take of trying to be understanding while trying to negotiate his ending his A, then you should move on to plan B. But first you need to ask yourself if you're strong enough to do it--implement plan B that is.

While this may seem harsh, I'm not sure why the coming baby makes plan "B" impossible. The idea of plan B is to cut off all contact, even when H sees children, you should not be around. Since you will soon have a newborn, he may not get a chance to see his new child as much as he wants to. As much as he has dropped the ball on your OD, a newborn does funny things to a man (and if it's a boy, all the better from that perspective). Forcing your H into seeing his A isn't "real" is the goal of plan "B". You are trying to make him see that his life with you is what he wants. It's possible that the lack of contact with his new child will do that.

Right now he has it all. You moved out making it easy for him to have his A. I would suggest moving back in. If the continuation of plan "A" would be too stressful for you right now, with your coming baby, ask (do not demand) that your H leave if he must continue with his A. Let him know that the stress is bad for both you and the baby.

Whether he leaves or not, you have some decisions to make. Even though it sounds as though your relationship with your MIL is a good one, I would try not puting family in the middle. So that means, if you ultimately have to move out, you should probably find a place of your own. Staying with your MIL should probably be a last resort tactic and only if you can't afford anything else. Staying with a friend would be a better option because while friends may be predisposed to sympathize with you over your husband, your MIL is just that--your H's mother.

I would also suggest seeing a MC. Even if your H doesn't want to, a trained MC may have invaluable information that may help you.

Most of all, pay special attention to yourself right now. Your getting ready to have a baby and your hormones are already going to be all over the place after the baby comes. If you experience "post-partum depression" don't be too quick to dismiss medication. Do things that make YOU feel good about yourself. One of the fallouts of an A, is they usually bring the self-esteem of the BS way down. Do things to help maintain (or if necessary to build up) a positive self-esteem. As hard as it is, you need to think of you right now.

Good luck!

mhtougas,

Thanks for your response. The baby is a boy, so hopefully, that will encourage H to want to be involved even more. H was incredible when we had our D 3.5 years ago, so this behavior is so new for me.

So, if I move back into our home, there's a good chance H will move out w/OW, because we cannot afford two places. But perhaps the reality of having his family back at home, without him, while he's at her place, with her kids, will help get him to see the light of day? AND, perhaps OW will become frustrated w/H wanting and needing to spend time with the new addition? She's young, and extremely needy herself. Always needs a man in her life, and is looking for the best possible father figure for her two boys. Which is ironic, because although ordinarily, my H is a great Dad, but throughout the A, he's obviously neglected his own. Furthermore, I will not allow him to take our D to OW's. I told him that is totally out of the question, until a day comes that H and I are completely done, and the courts can say otherwise. H understands my position on that.

I'll need to think about this one for a couple of days. It's so hard to predict what will happen, and I really don't have a whole lot of time left...

MoP

That's a great idea, to have him move out and for you to move back in. Give the new babe a REAL home. So WH will move in with OW...perfect. See how chaotic her life is...right now they can escape together and be happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

True, will be hard to Plan B until after baby arrives.

What are his top EN's, how easy is it to fulfill them being apart? Attention, Affection, SF?
My H's top needs are attention and affection. So I give lots of hugs and kisses, strokes, cards and letters.

Just because you live apart doesn't mean you can't spend time together at the house. If she calls...you leave. If he leaves...you leave. Give him the best of you, and when he chooses OW again...you leave. No anger, just say, "Gotta run, nice to see you and talk with you, we'll do it again."

Probably will have to go to Plan B. How will it look like for you? Have you started to write your Plan B letter?

StillHereMakingIt,

That's my main concern being in separate homes. I'm not given the chance to fill those EN's. H doesn't make as much of an effort to come see us any more (15 minutes away), and he gets to see OW all day at work, and then they're able to make plans for afterward.

I haven't started a PBL yet, but have certainly thought about it. It would be hard, just because I know H wants to be there for the birth (If he and I end up making it, that would be something that would kill him later, not being there for the birth), and to help me afterward. I will be breastfeeding this baby, so it won't be so easy for H to just take the baby with him. And I will set the same ground rules with this one that I have for my D. OW will not have contact with my children.

This may have been an LB, but I did tell H a few days ago that should I go into labor at night, I will call our house (that is if I'm still at MIL's), to let him know. If he's not there, I refuse to call him at OW's. He didn't seem to like it, but it would make me sick to drag him out of her bed to come get me. In fact, last night, I got a phone call from him at 2:30 in the morning. He asked if I called OW's. I told him, "No, I've been asleep for an hour, why did someone call?" He said yes, and tried to make it sound as though he wasn't there. (little does he know, we have caller ID). But, he ended up fessing that he was there and that he thought that maybe I was trying to get a hold of him.

Then, at 6:30, he called me again. I just assumed he was still at OW's. He asked if I called again. I told him, "No." (Is he playing games with me?) He said that he was at home, that he left OW's after talking to me. I'm wondering why he didn't stay all night? Did he actually feel guilty being there with her after talking with me? Only he knows for sure.

Thanks for your response
MoP