I am new here.

To basically sum up my story. I found out 3 months ago that my W was seeing another man. she says it was not sexual, but someone she can talk to and enjoyed his company. He is married and has 3 kids, like us. After I find out what was going on I asked her to stop. I caught her again 2 weeks later buying him a expensive birthday gift. After catching her the second time, she promised to stop and make no futher contact. I, at that point left her for 3 days (than returned) and she notified her friends and family of what was going on. Since than, I have stopped snooping around.
We are seeing a counseller, usually seperately, as per his request.
She has told me that she is not in-love with me and has no intimate feelings for me. I continue to try and give her the things that pushed her out of love (emotional needs) in the hopes her feelings will come back. She recently told me that she has feelings for this other man and misses their time together.

I am getting tired of being reminded by W that we are nothing more than roomates. She sees the effort I have made and has admitted that she is still angry with me, since my lack of love and attention drove her to see another man. She has told me that my best is not enough!! That hurt!!
Anyway, were playing the waiting game. She hopes that her feelings would come back (now been over 2 months), and she doesn't mean to hurt me.
She is scared to let me go, since there is kids, family and friends involved, etc. and she's scared to be alone. Plus, she's scared that she'll realize she had a great thing after I leave and refuse to return.

What am I to do? Should I continue to give her the things I didn't give her before and stay, or leave and say make up your mind.

P.S. I am sensing that the A is not over, based on last few conversations.

Any advise would be helpful.

My goodness, she is VERY ORIGINAL, read my posts buddy, they are the EXACT things my WW said.

Her fog is as thick as can be right now, DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING she says, very soon now you should be hearing how miserable your marriage was and things that YOU have done to destroy her love and her passion for you, your marital history is going to be rewritten, and you are not going to be the good guy.

How can she mess around on someone who was loyal, loving and took care of her, so you will be the demon.

The counseling is only good if she wants to do it, I would love to hear her version of events she is spinning with her IC.

CONTACT LOVER BOYS WIFE A BIG BIG MUST, I am sure she also knows of the situation, if they work together, contact work, let family know, but be hesitant of of her family, blood is thicker and they will side with her, otherwise, let the milkman and everyone else know.

The A survives on secrecy and deception, remove that factor for her. She will be pissed and make all kinds of threats but DO IT NOW.

I know exactly where you are, if you need, contact me at halleygertina@msn.com, others are much more qualified to advise you what to do, but if you need someone to talk to that has been there, I here for ya buddy.

This is the place that has kept my sanity through out this, these people care about you and all have been there. It's nice to be with people like yourself knowing the world is not against ya and you have someone to relate to and they CARE.

Hang in there buddy, it is a rough ride.

Da Rookie

The problem is tha you are going along with this whole bull****. Allowing her to hurt you emotionally by telling you that she has no intimate feelings for you but does for the other man. IMO her feelings will come back very quickly when she sees that you are moving on without her. Thats when reality will start sinking in.

You may want to consider implementing Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list and here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I've only been posting here a few months and have read many stories just like yours. My story is very close. WW told me all these things and moved in with OM 2 weeks after D-Day. I think, in a way, it was the best thing for both of us. Something I did wrong was not doing the Michelle Weiner Davis' 180 deg checklist.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I had a very short plan A then went into plan B. Partly to save my sanity and partly to let WW and OM discover themselves, all good and bad parts...

It'll be 3 months since WW moved out in 2 days. My D told me Saturday that WW and OM were fighting alot and that WW had told D that when she makes a mistake, its a big one and don't ever do this when she gets older. WW asked D if she knew of anyone that could be WW's roomate. I think WW is starting to come out of the Fog finally. Sounds like your W is in some deep fog herself. I don't know what to tell you to do, because only she can pull herself out of the fog. You can help by being the best husband you can be and doing a good plan A. Just remember plan A isn't about being nice, but showing W you can change and that its a means to end the affair. I know this probably doesn't help alot but its just my perspective. The biggest thing is time. I set a deadline for 18 months and have done everything I could to better myself. So, take this time to work on yourself and get some good reading material. Get the books Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and Divorce Busting. Good luck and keep posting....

Sorry TooMuchCoffeeMan, we must have been posting about the same time. Didn't mean to repeat the 180 deg checklist...

Looks like great minds DO think alike....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rookie:
<strong>Looks like great minds DO think alike....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's the coffee. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Whatever it is buddy, it is still a GREAT mind, you have always come through for me and have helped me deal with this more than you will ever know.

Da Rookie

One thing you really need to do is confirm with undeniable proof that there is more to what is going on than what she is admitting.

Once you have confirmation you need to contact OM's wife.

Its the best way to put a stop to it. If you don't think you can get solid confirmation then still call his wife about the emotional affair part.

Odds are if he is playing your wife he will drop her like a hot potatoe when the spotlight shines on the affair for his wife and everyone to see.

Plus she might have her own set of suspicions that might help both you get to the bottom of all of this.

Thanks for the advise. Last night I lost my cool. Went home upset, got more upset when I found OM piece of clothing in our closet. She said that she got it long time ago, washed it and put it away. I could smell cologne. I know for a fact it was just put there recently.
I have noticed other signs, that they are meeting/communicating. She denies it all and says that all contact has stopped weeks ago. Ultimately, she says that it's all my fault, any way, that if I would have given her the attention/love before, this would not have happened.
I told her last night that i have had enough, and that I am tired of all the suspicions, lies and uncertainty. She got defensive and basically said that if I want to leave, I could. She continues to use the kids as an excuse to keep us under one roof. That I am a selfish person, to put myself first before them. ha

I guess I am at a point where I don't know what to do. I see my therapist in 2 days, hopefully he can give some advice. Should I stay home and look for concrete proof while trying to stay cool, positive, and continue with plan A, or leave and go with plan B? Emotionally, I know it'll hurt either way.

More info., I have spoken to OM, he says nothing has happened physically, and they've only been good friends. He said she's trying to make me jealous and that my problems are not with him, but at home. What a F*****.

Thanks again for your time.

Your reaction is totally understandable BUT counterproductive for the purpose of ending her affair and helping her to recommit to rebuilding the marriage.

Letting one's emotions get control of one's actions is almost always a recipe for disaster (isn't that just what she did with having an affair?). So please TRY to understand that if you hope to have any chance of saving your marriage, you are going to have to emotionally detach from the situation. Emotional detachment(ED) will get you off the emotional rollercoaster by giving you control of your negative emotions like fear, anger and despair which can sabotage all of your well thought out and hard earned efforts to save and rebuild your marriage. ED will make it possible for you to exercise the patience and perseverance that are necessary to save your marriage. How do you emotionally detach? By conquering your fear, anger and despair about ending your marriage and not getting your hopes up by relying on her words alone (the old saying 'actions speak louder than words' very much applies here). This will also give you inner peace and strength that will definitely be noticed by your W.

One last thing, affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can tell you what her innermost thoughts and feelings are, no matter how unpleasant they are for you without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.