Okay, here’s my basic info:

Female, brand spanking new here @ MB
Both myself & WS are 32 yrs old
4 yo DD (conceived by insemination after 2 years of IF treatment)
followed
I’m the betrayed
Married 9 years
Together off & on 10 yrs prior to M
D-day 8-6-03
Length of A: only weeks (3, I think)
EA & PA, no other A’s
In Plan A, living together
OW is a WHORE! (kidding) is single, never been M, but has a child (11yo boy), was a co-worker
Currently in MC
I take Wellbutrin, he takes Effexor
Unsure of mid-life crisis???
Alcohol abuse by WS, no STD’s, no abuse, no suicide attempts
Additional info:
On D-day, I was suspicious because of him being late coming home from work, he confessed when confronted, never denied, poured out what I think was the truth. (A lot of talking, friendship, etc. until a kiss the week prior & that night). I was devastated to say the least. He was begging, pleading, etc. Whole thing very emotional, of course. He said he would end further contact with OW, even quit his job (not at my request).

We began discussing the possibility of reconciliation. We discussed “triggers” that could lead to repeat behavior like drinking, contact with a friend/co-worker who is less than respectable (he called my H to tell him the OW had her phone turned back on & gave him the new #, he has had A’s behind his W’s back before)

On 8-17-03, I found out he had called her (that’s when I found out the friend had called him with the number). I was furious, called him every name in the book, kicked him out with him begging & pleading. Oh, I was a wreck, humiliated, devastated, but COLD!)

He came the next day, telling me he was at rock bottom, didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he needed help (crying uncontrollably). He begged me to give him a chance. I was still furious, said I didn’t believe him & asked where he’d stayed that night (gut instinct is killer, isn’t it?). Guess? HE SLEPT WITH HER!!!!

That day I met with my family. Told them of the A, that I was filing for divorce & called the attorney the next day. On 8-19, he was waiting for me when I got home. Still sobbing uncontrollably, he swore to me he had ended contact with her, knew it was a dead end road, doesn’t love her (never did). He said she had called (his cell) that day, he told her “I can’t do this anymore, I love my wife, I love my child, and I want my life back.” Those were his words. He begged me to at least hold off on D.

I finally agreed to separate until my anger had subsided. (Attorney & family advised this, but I didn’t tell him that).

Background on her: she is 28, father was an alcoholic, and she was in an abusive live-in relationship for 5 years. She has been the OW in at least 4 other marriages that I know of (3 from work). I wish I had gotten her fired! LOL

After a couple of weeks of NC with OW (best I could tell), we moved back in together & have been in MC since then (at his suggestion, not mine which I thought was a ++ thing). Not only did he quit his job, he also ended the friendship with the trigger guy & cut down immensely on his drinking.

We have been doing well, but still have ups & downs as my dealing with this is like a roller coaster. At the MC suggestion, he called OW with me on the other line & terminated the relationship. As far as I can tell there’s been NC since that call.

He has taken a new job (starts 10-20) that will require less time at home & more time on the road. He will be traveling too (never has before). On 10-11-03 he called the trigger guy “just to talk”, nothing more. He swears talk of OW never even came up; he just wanted to talk to him, see how his new baby was, talk about college football, etc. I was so very mad because I found the call on his cell phone, he didn’t tell me which left me to wonder if he’d sent a message to her, etc. He said if he were trying to hide it, he would’ve deleted it, but didn’t tell me b/c of how I would’ve reacted (a truth I don’t like to admit).

We fought, but resolved it with him saying NC with trigger. (Who knows?) Yesterday (10-13) he told me (good move) that he had gotten a call from the old work place but it was not she, it was a supervisor asking a question about something he had been responsible for in the past. (I verified this by calling her later to ask if it was true & also knew they might be calling with questions as he had skipped out on them spur of the moment).

Background on him: Typically, anyone who knows him would describe him as the “all around good guy”. Anyone who’d found out about the A has been shocked & flabbergasted, would have never suspected it, thought he was crazy about me (&vice versa). He does has OCD & since seeing the MC, he’s been diagnosed w/ OCD, severe depression & anxiety.

There was abuse when he was growing up (P & E). His parents did some really rotten stuff to them. His mother is Bipolar & is a real sore to the whole family. Here’s the kicker, around the same time the EA began, her H beat the living daylights out of her, then went in to hiding. We had to place her in a Safe House while the police tried to find him (all of this occurred during the revelation).

It was extremely traumatic on the entire family. After all the family went to great lengths to get him in jail & prosecuted, get her back home, get her SSI payments sent to us not the abuser, etc. She took the jerk back. You can imagine how my H felt about that. He & his siblings have cut off all contact with her (for now).

Throughout all of this I have had a feeling that he’s just not in this 100%. He has said everything to say that he is, he has taken the above initiatives, etc. But I don’t FEEL like he’s completely here.

I have needed the “little things” from him & he hasn’t really done those things. I would’ve thought he would be bending over backwards to win me over, you know? But, I in all honesty, I don’t know if he’s really NOT here or if it’s my own insecurities.

He has said it’s the latter, but last night we had a long chat & he admitted that something is missing in him he can’t put his finger on, he’s just doesn’t feel totally “in the present”. He says that he knows he loves me, knows he wants this to work, knows he doesn’t want her or any contact with her, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, knows that he will not be complete without me, so on. But he just can’t pinpoint what’s wrong with him.

I guess the advice I am looking for is what do I do with this information? Am I expecting too much too soon/being too demanding?
Or do I suggest a separation & NC with each other until he finds what’s missing? Funny, but after typing all this in, I think I already know what the advice will be. Odd how writing it down really is therapy. LOL

I have noticed when visiting these forums that there is a lot of “reading between the lines”, anyone see something I don’t? I guess I’m looking for advice, suggestions, encouragement, a shoulder, anything. I only wish I’d found this site a looooooong time ago, perhaps I (we) could’ve prevented this disaster.

I tried so hard not to be long winded, I am SO sorry I have been. If anyone stuck with me through this rambling, you’ll stay with me through anything. LOL

Thanks!

LoJay

Couple of things that are in your favor.

He did confess without you having any real hard evidence. Many waywards spouse deny deny deny deny even when there is smoke pouring out of the gun.

Secondly he did leave the job that he had contact with her and offered to do that on his own.

It was a shortlived affair in terms of the average length of an affair.

Finally the OP was clearly the pursuing type based on her being the OW in 4 other marriages.

So you are not dealing with a serial cheater, you are not dealing with a deep and meaningful affair, you seem to have a repentent wayward spouse.

He does need to address his personal issues that led him to make such poor choices.

You will need to accept that recovery is not very quick 1 to 5 years according to most experts. If you are expecting only months then you will have a false recovery. Recovery is a process not an event.

Finally this is a great place to be when dealing with some absolutely suckey situation.

One other thing affairs are often a wakeup call both for the person who strayed (to deal with personal issues) and the marriage (to fix problems normally left unaddressed). And because it is the chance for a stronger better marriage actually may come out of all of this.

BTW don't apologize by saying "as if you haven't heard enough"

Don't you know misery loves company that's why there were so many people listening to the band play on the Titanic! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for responding & encouraging me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
But, ONE TO FIVE YEARS???!!???

OMG
I knew recovery wouldn't happen overnight, but GEEZ, I didn't know it could take that long. I don't know if I can keep up my strength.

*sigh*

One day at a time, I guess, huh? Thanks again.

LoJay:

You will be amazed at your strength when you see it come 2 the fore.

I would have never believed I could survive even a few months, and it's been 21 months since D-day now. During that time, I've learned a lot. Mostly about my own strengths and weaknesses, but also about my W's. Her A was on and off for 12 years, though. So, we're still very much going 2 be in recovery for quite some time 2 come, I think.

If it's any consolation, personal recovery isn't really an option, so even if you decided 2 DV over your H's A, you'd STILL have that 1-5 yrs 2 "look forward 2."

...boy, that didn't help, did it!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

LoJay

Understand recovery is a process not an event. So what you will find is that gradually things will get better on all fronts.

So just because it may take 2 years for you to get completely over things doesn't mean that you will going crazy for 1 year and 300 something days then BOOM your okay.

You will feel less and less negatives and more and more positives as time progresses.