Long story short, D Sep 15, WW moved in with sister on Oct 5. Left me and 3 girls at home.
Wants to get head on straight - yeah.

Plan A consists of trying to meet her EN's (affection and conversation are biggies) long distance. Conversation try to call her everyday see how she is doing, E-mail her at work every morning with positive greeting. Any time I contact her in person try to give hug and kiss and when parting tell her I love her.

Question what else can I do or what am I doing right or wrong. We do spend some time together but I am feeling she is cake eater and getting needs met by him and by me. Want to blow this whole thing off but got to do plan A for at least 2 more months.

Help!

DD
Our actions to WW are so similar, and we both moved from Just found out to here at the same time.

My Plan A is in my post above. The only thing I think you are missing is the publicizing and public scrutiny thing. For me, family members and a couple of my friends know. The friends are all supportive, and you must have some of these people too or you will lose your mind thinking about this crap all the time. There currently is little pressure on W to end A, but most from her parents and siblings. There is no pressure on OM which will have to change soon also but that is a little tricky.

My W went ballistic over the limited publicity that I have done because it is going to kill the A. I perceive it as a fight against the A and not my W, which allows me to focus my energies on no LBs, figuring out what I want, and finding the most effective means of ending A. I am trying to create tension between A and marriage.

My point is read Surviving An Affair it will help you get inside WW's head and understand why she's doing what she doing. Don't LB and keep hugging and sending the ILY's. I didn't start those soon enough but they are in full effect now.

You're doing the right thing by fighting for your M and your kids will respect you for it. They are smart so kiss them and tell them you're doing the best you can.

Best wishes

When my W moved out to get her head straight I started calling a couple of times a day. She didn't say anything but it was too much. You may want to ask her if it is too much and what would be OK. I asked my wife and she said it was too much and my response was OK I will wait for you to call me. She said that was not what she meant. So now as hard as it is I resist calling when I get the urge. Less may cause her to ask herself why isn't he calling me. I have changed tactics 180 deg and it is easier on me and she seems to be responding in a positive way. If you can follow thru with her wants she will see it as you understanding one of her needs and that may open the door

Devesated. Rollercoaster, Not much I can add, not a couselor and dont want to give info that would be damaging, follow the plan as laid out and dont deviate.

We are all in the same boat here guys, been at this game since January and it doesnt seem to be any better. My W moved out in July, same issues, has to find herself and wants to raise her son by herself, well so much for that, OP moved into a apartment directly behind hers.

It's a rough ride with no gaurantees, see your doctor for some anti depressants, believe it or not it does work. I am a guy who was hesitant to take a aspirin, but ya need a clear head now ans not act on emotions.

Only advise I can give you two to keep your sanity is read, pray, read and pray some more, might not bring the old lady back home, but does wonders for your own sanity.

Best of luck to ya, keep on keeping on,

Well the guys have covered just about everything.

I'm in the same boat jsut farther down stream. 7 months past DDay when my WW left to be with OM. Now the affair is starting to crumble - go to general questions and see my post.


All I can add is the Meds do work and find some reading about the grieving process. Your just one month out and are going to bounce around for a while.

Remember Plan A is also about you. The changes your making are for you and something you can make part of your life. It does no good to show your WW your changes if they are temporary.

Tell everyone close to your WW about the affair or close to OM. Family, close friends. But always be respectfull of you wife and down play the feelings you have for the other man. Remember exposing the affair is about your love for your wife and your desire to save your marriage.

Any negative stuff only gives fuel to your WW and OM to justify that your nuts and what there doing is OK.

Last week she said they were going to break A off because of not being able to coordinate living arrangements. Said she was going to come home and try to work on M. This week it's not coming home and they are going to work on living arrangements.

Did a couple of LB's but gonna work on getting my plan A back in full swing so's I can go to plan B. gonna need to do the plan B for me soon. Divorce in the wings. Got an appt with a shark divorce atty to go over my options when the time comes.

I tell her the ball is in her hands and she needs to do what is good for her so we can all get on in life. I wish she would move in with OM so she can get a taste of reality.

The waiting is killin me. No control over my own destiny. She gets my hopes up then - crash.

My questions are:

1. I guess this waffling is normal?

2. Is it a good sign?

3. Said she wished this was all over - me or the
A?

4. Am I ready for plan B?

HELP!

DD
I know how you feel so much. I don't know how people manange 6 months (or more!) in Plan A. I've just made it to one month and you can't be too far ahead. You can't give up though, I know I want to SO badly, but you have to continue to believe. SAA says it takes a while before you can see any results.

I did go to a divorce lawyer and it has renewed my drive for Plan A. The A waters we are swimming are deep, but I came away from lawyer feeling like I had just peeked over the edge of the abyss and would truly learn what I am made of if I choose to do that. This is really drastic stuff we're dealing with. The lawyer is there to "enact the financial components of an emotional decision." I (and I'm guessing neither can you) walk away from M without nearly killiing yourself for it and your girls. If I go the divorce route, I want to carry as few regrets with me as possible. It wouldn't be fair to myself or any future relationships.

Hang in there. The temptation for the easy way out is all around us but continue to pray for God's helping hand and guidance. I'll be praying for you also. I know it is just so hard.

DEAVASTED DAD
RIDING THE ROLLER COASTER
GOODGUY007
ROOKIE

Not to jump on the band wagon but I'm in the same boat as you guys! My d Day was Feb 1 03

I found a great post from a Ws that explains alot about what is going on in our wifes head!!!
do a search in general questions II for " An Observation About AGE" Read what HOPE4FUTURE" has to say.

Our wifes are in "THE FOG" they don't see anything
I bet all of this is your falt? You did this!

As much as you hurt they don't see it?
I to went to a lawyer gave her a retainer sent out a letter to ws to get an attorney to finaly close the door on all of this? But I have so much guilt
about walking out on my son and just giving up that I keep on hanging on. Will this be the day she wakes up and begins to see what she has done?
Probable not!
It's like waking on a tight rope!
You have to find out what EN OM is meeting and try to meet them.
OM IS AN ADDICTION

Don't tell your wife she is wrong about how she feels? Thats just like giving her a stick to hit you over the head with!!!!. Agree with her.

This is going to be the most painful and longest journey of youe life! It takes time a lot of time
Give them the time and space they need to make up their owen minds. don't push them. look for small steps. Very small steps.
NO MATTER WHAT NO LOVE BUSTERS.
If you can speak with Steve Harley he can be a great help.

Hang on for the ride of your life! good luck

bs 39
ww 42
m 11 yr
son 4 yrs
d day Feb1 ea/pa 4

ROLLER
GOOD GUY
ROOKIE
MONTE

When I first found out about A I was devastated.
Then I found this place and after a short while I was a believer and I loved my WS so much I knew I could do Plan A for 3-6 months easily.

What I did not count on was how fast the love deposits in her account would diminish.

Now I am concentrating on me, and when I don't talk or see her I tend to be just fine. Then I will see or talk to her and the emotions will come back and boom! there go more love deposits out the window.

I would like to continue with plan A for another month or 2 but I just don't think I can do it without just hating her. Thus, it sounds like it is time for plan B.

I don't know how you guys do this for long periods of time. Does it get easier after a time or is there this "6 week" revelation and you get a 2nd wind?

I can use all the encouragement, reasoning, examples and help I can get if I am going to continue in plan A for much longer.

Thanks for sticking with me.

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

DEVASTATED DAD

GET THE BOOK SURVVING AN AFFAIR READ IT THEN GO BACK AND REREAD IT!
Did you check out the post from hope 4 future.
READ IT
You may want to do a 180 on your wife sometimes. Make her wonder about what you are doing ? Plane A is about working on yourself! Make changes she will notice, be strong act as if you are doing great! Try not calling her for a day see what happens? No matter how bad you feel don't let her see it or know it. You have to be happy,happy,happy,!!! Stop saying I love you don't be needy stop begging and pleading?
Did you beg and plead her to marry you?
Did you make a deal with her to marry you?
Spend as much time with your kids as you can
Do fun things with them.
I know how very hard it is not to think about WS and Om everytime I would think about them I would say a prayer and by the time I would get to the end I would force my self to think of other things.
No matter what happens you will be Ok. The fact you are here tells alot about you! You are willing to be a better person for yourself,yourkids, and your Ws.
Remember this is not your wife! It's an alien who does not speak the same toung as you.

Hang in there in the scope of things is a few months going to change your life.

There have been many days I said I can't take it anymore this is it and by the next morning I see a little step forward.

You MUST not let your emotions make desisions .
Unfortinitly under the present situation and stress thats exactly what most BS do. Take IT from me Don't do it.
I ran into ws and om on street and sent him to the hospital. Big love buster.
99.5% of time your emotions make the wrong disisions for us.

The affair is not the root cause of divorce it's all the stuff that lead up to the affair.
My ws told me "all everone wants to talk about is my A not what happened before that?"

It took me a long time to understand this, but now I do and that is probebly the one and only thing she said that made any sence.
Take a good look at your self and ask the question what it's like to be married to me?
Fill out the love buster and EM questions as if it was your wife doing it and be honest. You may be surpised..

How maney years are you married?
How old are you and wife?
Keep strong

Monte

I posted early on somewhere with my info but it got lost in the shuffle.

Me - BH 56 yoa
Her - WW 42 yoa
Together 22 years
Married 17 years
3 daughters - 16, 15, 14 yoa
D day - 9/15/03
Packs up, leaves me, kids, house, dogs and moves in with divorced sister (no kids) 10/5/03.
Needs time to get head together - yeah!

I'm sure mid-life crisis is part of what started this whole thing. I read hope4future and this fits as she went straight from daddy to me and kids. No "her time" and with the turning of 41 last year and a younger man interested I'm sure that did it.

Read SAA, parts 2 or 3 times. Told everyone about A that would listen to me.

Major EN's I did not meet were conversation and affection. Been trying to meet conversation EN by E-mail little note every morning to her work then call and talk on phone and in person every chance I get. Can "not call" her but does that not defeat my conversation need. OM talks to her every day. Only affection need I can muster is I love you but I think that is lost in the FOG

Am being strong now. Told her I did not force her to marry me and won't try to force her to stay. I said she has to do what it takes to make her happy before she can make anyone else happy. Told her since she said she wanted to try to make relationship with OM work then - do it. Really would like them to move in together so she could see the reality of it but it looks now like he is dragging his feet or something. I think his wife objects or something. And yes I did meet with his wife to verify she knows.

Doing a lot more with the kids, since I'm with them most of the time now. They probably are the only reason I have continued in plan A this long and have not blown this whole thing off.

I've already admitted to being the cause of creating the environment that would make it possible for her to have the A, and this is true but she is the one that made that choice instead of coming to me before it got to that - told her but doesn't compute - FOG.

Thank you and with encouragement I will continue in plan A for as long as I possibly can

<small>[ October 31, 2003, 11:26 PM: Message edited by: devastated_dad ]</small>

Hi Dev dad,

I concur with most of the support you have been given and would like to add a few things.

1st read these 2 threads:

plan A 101 revised 2nd edition

Excerpts from the above thread:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The main element of Plan A is to have the waiting spouse avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty at all costs! These are the five most common forms of Love Busters!

By avoiding all possible Love Busters there are no withdrawals from the Love Bank of the wayward spouse. Any withdrawals weaken the case for a "safe" environment for the wayward to return to.

In general... anything that would make the wayward unhappy can be deemed as a Love Buster!. One time Love Busters are bad enough... but repetitive occurrences are disastrous.

The wayward defines the Love Buster... not the waiting spouse.

There is an exception that Steve Harley recognizes (as far as a "valid" Love Buster... and that would be, actions needed to protect the waiting spouse and/or children especially from physical harm. These actions, although they may be perceived as Love Busters by the wayward... can not be tolerated!</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> plan b 101 revised 2nd edition

Plan B excerpts:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong> Plan B is not meant to punish the wayward spouse! But to protect the betrayed... to protect the betrayed spouse's Love Bank for the wayward... so it is not drained below any recoverable state.

A consequence of this 'no contact' is that it will then put the burden of satisfying ALL(or most) of the wayward's Emotional Needs on the OP! A very hard thing to do, in most situations...

During the time of Plan B the wayward is to "build" oneself... to work on themselves... to prepare oneself to live without the wayward spouse... and develop tools for good healthy relationships! That includes no Love Busting... since that is an unhealthy action in relationships.

With children in the picture Plan B, in the full sense of "no contact", is sometimes impossible. Everything possible needs to be done so the children will know they are not being abandoned... contact with them must not be stopped or hindered in any way! Just contact with the spouse. Logistics here are difficult... but should be thought through carefully and creatively.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope this helps.

L.

I am at the end of plan A. Do not want to meet her EN,s even if she would let me. Too much up and down I do better when I don't have contact with her. Going to Plan B tonight. See Plan B letter in General Questions II (11/11/03) thread.

Question: Opinion on sending copy of Plan B letter and note to OM?

dd,
(((((((((devastated dad))))))))))

Tough time right now, especially with the Holidays coming. I feel awful along with you.

Read your Plan B stuff. Hope all goes well. Be strong, work on yourself.

FYI, if you want your story to be your signature line, you go to "my profile" and there is a block where you can add that stuff.

Take care

SbaB - Thank you for the encouragement and profile info. I'm going to post on my Plan B thread from now on since plan A is kaput

DD