I'm really struggling with the Plan A game plan and could use a little clarification on the purposes of Plan A.
Plan A is designed to:
1) Readvertise for yourself, allowing WS's perception of BS to improve by meeting WS's ENs before moving to Plan B.
2) Allow the repentent WS, a safe way back into the M, providing hope for the future.
3) Turn up the heat on the A by bringing it to light of public scrutiny.

It is this last part that is a hard judgement call. For example, some posts advocate telling everyone under the sun but that would seem to do permanent damage to WS. Not telling anyone certainly enables the A to continue in its little disgusting secrecy. Plan A is in effect for me, but the limited publicity part up until this point is very hurtful to W. My OM is single but has strong family ties and high morals (allegedly), and the family of the person who introduced OM to W has strong connections to OM’s family. Since OM is single should I turn up the heat on his end of A by contacting OM’s parents, the family friends, OM’s employer, W’s employer? When is it just too destructive and over the line? What kind of time line can I do for this? It seems like it is mean and likely to force WW away. Should public exposure be a time released process only exposing to ever increasing numbers of people as the A goes on?

I am currently seeking the information to make contact with the above parties. Any comments would appreciated.

That's a good question and be interested to hear what others in the forum think.

I've already discussed this with my WW and (surprise surprise) she wasn't keen on our friends knowing about the A. She can't stop me telling so she has no choice. Currently only her sister, some of our closest friends, and my brother know.

I don't know the use of telling OM's workmates - he's single anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For example, some posts advocate telling everyone under the sun but that would seem to do permanent damage to WS. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have yet to see this happen. There is a good thread on JFO about this where Lulu is getting advice on exposure. I don't think you should tell the checkout person at the local grocery store (well, unless it's a small town or you otherwise know him/her) but you do need to tell all friends, family, even coworkers. The reason is that affairs thrive in secrecy. You want to take that element away and introduce stress into the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since OM is single should I turn up the heat on his end of A by contacting OM&#8217;s parents, the family friends, OM&#8217;s employer, W&#8217;s employer? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes yes yes yes yes. All of the above. You also send a letter to OM. These are very STRUCTURED letters, by the way. They state that there is an affair, you are committed to rebuilding your marriage, and they ask that people support your decision. I'm not the best person to go to for these letters, btw. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't know the exact formula off of the top of my head.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Should public exposure be a time released process only exposing to ever increasing numbers of people as the A goes on? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, all at once. If you drag it out, you will convince your W that you are only doing it to hurt her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When is it just too destructive and over the line </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When the relationship OM or WW has with the person you are exposing to takes greater precedence than your marriage. If you can think of one of these, let me know. Otherwise, you need to put the health of your marriage first.

<small>[ October 14, 2003, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Per Harley, and per Cerri, exposure should be swift and complete. Harley is often quoted as saying, "Put it on the six o'clock news!"

Dragging it out just makes you look like a jealous shrew who is out for revenge. Also, try to put aside any feelings of shame or embarassment for your situation. It is more important that as many people as possible know about the A - and that it is exposed to the light of day.

Here's what I did.

I sent a letter to the OM outlining my dedication and love for my wife. I also mentioned that I had e-mailed his boss and co-workers stating what he had been doing these last few months.

My WW soon calls me, screaming down the phone (obviously he had just read it and had called her).

This is what happens when the WW is in the fog, and I quote some of the comments she made:

"You can't do this to him, he's got 4 kids!"
"You disgust me!" - (wow, you'd think I'd had the affair)
"I don't know you anymore!"
"You really think we'll get back together after this?!"

Really, I just sat there with phone letting it all wash over. I just wish I could have recorded it for playback at a later date.

But you know - it felt good!

Last week I sent an email to the OM, as well as a number of her friends, exposing their relationship as well as professing my love for her.

Right now, it looks like it was a complete disaster. She is furious at me regarding it, and apparently I will be getting the divorce papers on Monday.

It was a huge move, and at least for me, apparently the wrong one. Consider it carefully.

Very important to expose. Otherwise others are getting cheaters "spin" on information. My H's OW told him she and her H had an open marriage. They told me that her H knew about A. When I talked to him, none of this was true. They had a good, committed marriage. He thought it was just an EA until I showed him the motel bills. And it goes on and on. H told his sister that I threw him out, but neglected to let her know about ongoing affair. You need to let people know, or else they will get a very distorted story. That's why they get so mad. You've exposed their dirty little secret.

You must expose the affair. Trust me on this one I thought about the same things that are going through your mind.

But there are right ways of doing this and wrong.

I suggest sending a letter expressing your love for your spouse and commitment to the marriage. That the OP relationship is not appropriate. DO NOT blame your spouse in the letter or attack the OP. It will only give the "affair couple" fuel to discuss how bad a person you are.

definately let the OP family know and any close friends that you have. Again never attack your spouse for what they have done.

As for people at work unless they both work together don't go there.

BTW- You may be surprised how good it feels to let others know about your spouses affair. Not because your better than him/her but because it relieves alot of the shame and guilt you may be feeling about the affiar.


Yes your spouse will likely go nuts when this all gets out but thats not your problem just hold your ground and let him/her know you love them and want your marriage to work out.

Also remember that Plan A is also about making possative changes in yourself for yourself.

My W has been having an EM for a year and I tried with reason to get her to stop seeing OM. He is married w/3 older kids. I felt that if I exposed it it would drive her away. But in not exposing it I became depressed and that drove her away. We separated 2 weeks ago and thats when I decided to let OW know. Did this and now all is not well in OMs home. Everyone in OMs house hates me. Go figure and OM seems to think that I need to feel the kind of pain he is feeling. After this he put on the pressure for sex and it backfired, changing the dynamics of their A. It is a gamble to expose an A. If it drives your spouse away then they probably weren't going to come back anyway.
Good Luck

IMO as long as she sees you hanging onto the marriage she feels safe in continuing to have this affair. It would seem to me that the ww has a change of mind more often when she sees that the bs has made the decision to move on without her. It is at that point that the reality of what she is doing hits her.

OK, I have a question about exposing the affair.
I didn't really do much of it so far - and the few people I talked to either didn't believe me (his family) or didn't care (their coworkers - already knew).

My husband has maintained a whopper of a lie about why I wouldn't drop the restraining order and let him come home - claims he did anger management like I asked but I just wouldn't let him come home anyway. Claims he 'tried everything' to reconcile but I told him 'to get on with his life". In reality he only called once or twice a month to DEMAND I let him come home and then scream obscenities at me for saying he had to complete anger management first. Apparently his coworkers and family believe this lie (the few I've talked to).

He refused to admit there was another woman until several of my friends saw them out in public together. Then he claimed they had only been dating 2 months, then admitted it was 9 months (after I told him I had proof). He says it's my fault he had an affair because I wouldn't let him come home and supposedly told him to get on with his life...

So my questions are: should I try to tell his relatives (again) the reason I wouldn't let him come home, and how long his affair has been going on? Also, we recently signed a separation agreement to delay the divorce one year. He agreed to it because I said once the divorce is final I will no longer talk to him or see him. But I'm sure he made up a lie to tell others about the reason for the divorce delay. So I should try to expose that too, right? And should I combine this with the Plan B letter so they know my intentions are to still try to save the marriage and why I am stopping contact with him again (because I'm sure he will lie about my reason - claiming I am 'rejecting' him so it's my fault instead of his if we go through with divorce)?

The few times I did try to expose things to his family and coworkers he went ballistic. When I called the other woman and tried to talk to her (she doesn't want to know anything I have to tell her) she called the police on me. My husband has threatened to call the police on me with false accusations since then so I'm sure he and the other woman would call the police on me if I tried to contact her again. I'm afraid to send a copy of the Plan B letter to her. My husband is EXTREMELY worried what other people think of him - and not at all concerned what his daughters think of him - sick.