I have the SAA book on order. Hope it will be in this week. It is obvious WW will not voluntarily agree to no contact. I want to put plan A into action as I love my wife and want to save my marriage. This is the problem and question. She still wants to be sexually intimate (remember she maintins there is no affair and that she has been loyal to her vows, BIG FOG, and she is a BIG CAKE EATER).

I have a difficult time with not turning her desire for intimacy into a LB. I have health concerns, but more, psychologically I am held back. I want to make love to my wife, not OM's lover.

What do the experts say on this?

Well I'm NO expert but if your W wants to be physically intimate with you it MAY be a good sign that there is truly no emotional investment with the OM. Why do I say this? Because the vast majority of women who have sex with their OM are also in love with them, and this causes them to stop wanting to have sex with their H's. Keep in mind that affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can tell you what her innermost thoughts and feelings are, no matter how unpleasant they are for you without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.

I think the answer is different for everyone. We were not having sex when the affair started and I was having a real hard time with the idea of meeting this emotional need during Plan A. How could I sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else? But our sex life was a major concern to WS and I knew he would need convincing that it could change. Still I paid attention to my own feelings and didn't rush into anything.

Finally, we went to Retrouvaille. I was still hurt and angry, but we were able to talk a great deal. I ended up feeling closer to WS than on our wedding day. I took a chance and initated sex with WS. I knew he would want to know why I wanted to be with him and I was honest. We didn't get to intercourse before he came. However, knowing WS, I figured he may want to stay 'faithful' to OW and not have intercourse with me. I was okay with that at that time.

We have had intimate contact since, but still no intercourse. Only today has that started to bother me. I know he is still in love with OW, but I'm starting to need him to have feelings for me when we have sex. I know we are on rocky ground, so again, I'm just going by my feelings and taking things very slowly.

TMCM has a point. When you guys start talking honestly with each other, you will feel emotionally close to each other. Even if her feelings are negative. It's just strange how that happens.

Take it a day at a time. It's amazing how you never know how you're going to feel tomorrow or even next week. Get her talking. Find out what her feelings are about being intimate with you. But be prepared to hear her without getting upset. Good luck!

LBC, can you tell me how the Retrouvaille weekend went? My H and I were encountered about 10 years ago and I'd like to do this weekend as well, just not sure if he'll agree. They're few and far between. I'd love to hear from you.

Hope

I don't mean to hijack this thread so if you have any more questions, PM me. There are PMs on this site, right? The details of our weekend are here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=001942

Although, the A was ongoing when we went to the weekend, I learned alot about myself and I was surprised that WS got something out of it as well. It didn't end the A as I was hoping, but it did give me the stamina to stay in Plan A a little bit longer. BTW, my guess is that WS quit having sex with OW after our weekend.