Hi everyone,

My husband has said he is unhappy, depressed at home, feels sick when he touches me, and doesnt know if he got married too young. This is because for 7 months I have ignored him going out with my friends and every attempt he made to spend time with me I pushed him away. I realized how much this was hurting him about a month ago but it seemed too late. He is angry and hurt and does not want to spend time with me or be around me...

He told me the other day he had to leave to clear his head for awhile and had to take care of himself before he thought about us. I begged him to stay and try to work on this but he seems to have given up hope claiming he tried for 7 months..He eventually stayed but I know he resents me and told me he can not forgive me or abandoning him for 7 months. He comes home and goes right to bed because he doesnt want to be there. He tries to avoid me at every cost. It seems to me that he is scared of being hurt again, which I completely understand.

The question I have is, how can I try plan A when he wont be around me. I tried to spend time with him and do the things we liked to do before but he said I cant cram being together all the time down his throat...I'm trying to back off and give him space b/c this is what hes asked for but last night he was out until midnight came home and went right to bed and I dont understand how this is helping us at all...I'm terrified that theres another girl...The only sign of hope was when I was watching our wedding video the other day he came in and sat down and cried but he would not sit near me...any suggestions anyone has would be greatly appreciated..
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You may not like what I have to say but I say this out of sincere concern.

If you want to salvage your M you are going to have to humble yourself and do the hard things to win his trust back. I'm not saying be a doormat, but it's time to be on your best behavior.

Begging, pleading, and whining is not gonna cut it. He needs to see action at this point. When you speak to him make sure it's in a civil tongue. Do all within your power to meet his EN's and by all means provide SF.

Now, the hardest thing. Be willing to give him some space. If he needs a temporary separation allow him this. He has expressed this need to you and you should honor it. Better a short time away now than a permanent absence later.

He is suffering rejection. His self-image has taken a major hit. When this happens to a man he usually tends to clam up. Don't push communication on him at this time. Allow him some breathing room. I would suggest you give him peace (NOT IGNORING HIM) for 30 days. Reassess your plan after that time, perhaps that will be the time for Plan A.

What are your ages? Are there children involved? Have you had counseling individually or as a couple? Give us more info and we can offer better advice. God bless!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dr Willard Harley:

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've read your posts and unless you happen to have hard evidence that he is involved with another woman, then Plan A/Plan B is definitely not the way to go. I instead recommend that you follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

Hurting - I am 26 and he is 24. I know we are young and I was his first real serious relationship, but the relationship we did have was one that noone can replace. We were best friends...We have no children although he wanted one about 5 months ago and I said I wasnt ready which he was also upset about...He has mentioned that he doesnt know if he was married too young, but I honestly believe that is because of all the hurt I put him through. We have not had counseling before, he refuses to go...He came home at 2am this morning and I tried to talk and he said no then this morning I said that we're still married ya know and he got mad saying that he knows that...I told him he needed to make a decision if he wanted to save this marriage..I know that I LB on that one. I then said that I know he is with someone else strickly because I had said if he is with some else that is an affair and he has to stop and decide what he wants...when I came out and said I know your with someone he said something like no he wasnt and stormed out saying have a nice day and i asked him to please decide and he said i think i just did have a nice day and left...this kills me inside..I dont know if he said this out of anger or is what he really means.

On that last one, you made a major mistake. I know you're hurting, but you said earlier you didn't know if there was OW, you just thought there might be.

Now you really have some work to do, because you may have accused him of something he didn't do. When the accusation is of that magnitude, it takes a while to get past.

So when you next get the chance, tell him you are sorry you argued (if you are that is, and it sounds like you are)and do what you can to make it up to him.

It sounds like you are the one that needs to show him you love him and care for him. The two are different and he needs to see both of things from you.

Good luck.

Since you committed a major LB, I would suggest bending over backward (no pun intended) with love and support for him. Allow him space as he needs it.

Can I also suggest you muzzling your mouth? Not wanting to be harsh but nagging and whining is not making you any more attractive, that CHOICE of behavior is driving him away. If you have nothing positive or uplifting to say, clam up.

Do the little things now that are so hard for you. You may reap the benefits later but it's going to take time.

Hi everyone,

Here is an update to my post. I continued to LB and have finally just realized and stopped this. In the meantime, H came over the other night for dinner and told me that he wanted a separation. He said he read through cards, letters from me, ect. and didnt feel anything but anger.

The next day he tells me he wants a divorce, wants it over, cant stand to look at me, didnt know how hurt he really was.

To make matters 10 times worse I wanted to know if there was OW so I went to the coffee shop he was at. I walked in and he was there with this girl Sam that he always used to talk about. He said shes my friend and he didnt have feelings for her. He said he went out with those people a couple of times and he talked to her on the phone. I know he goes out with her and has told me he wants to "see what the world has to offer" and if it is with OW then so be it. I dont think he realized hes married honestly, I dont know what hes thinking. I saw him last night and he told me everytime he sees me it makes him angry b/c of the hurt I caused him. I'm afraid of Plan B. If I have no contact i feel like hell forget me and move on witht he OW. Help!

i'm just wondering what it was you were doing wih your "friends" for 7 months that was so important. there must have been something happening that caused this...seperation?

understand that during this time, you were sending you H a clear and very specific message. did you two never discuss the state of your marriage at this point?

if he is as angry as he is right now, and yet, put up with the treatment you're describing over the last 7 months, then what finally broke his resolve to save the marriage?

if you could provide some real info or at least some real clues maybe folks around here could make some recomendations. as things are, how can anyone suggest anything if the problem has not been truthfully defined?

coach

Hi Coach -

About 3 months into our marriage I found a sex ad that he had posted online. I called him and asked him to come home from work. He knew immediately what it was about. Begged me to forgive him. I went from crying, to smashing things, to crying again. He told me he has to build a profile in order to look at pictures. Of course I know this is incorrect because of the explicit nature of the words he typed. He just didnt "fill" in the spaces. He said he would do anything, even counseling. We never got around to counseling. In fact, the incident was never mentioned after that horrible day, which is why I believe I went out with friends to block it out. which is also why i believe I went online to talk to people about things. It wasnt until about a month ago while in florida by the pool that I realized that I forgave him and I had to forgive to move on. I realized he had a reason why he did what he did. Our sex life was almost non-existent and this is because I have kept a secret my entire life. I was molested as a child. Noone knows this and I just revealed this to him the other night. He was very offended I kept this from him, however, he doesnt realize I was in denial. A couple of months ago I let go of this pain also and gave myself completely to my husband, this time without feeling any hurt of memories. At was at this time that he didnt want to touch me. This was extremely difficult for me because it took me so long to make it to this point and now I was being rejected. I hope this helps to give more insight to my problems.

insh,
i took some time to look back at some of your previous posts and found them interesting.

you claim NOT to have had an affair but what you were doing is pretty much the same. staying out all night...sleeping in hotels with men? i don't know but to me it sure sound damning.

be that as it may, it also sounds to me as if you are showing very little sensativety to what he, your H, must be feeling, thinking or what may still be in his mind.

have you actually ever taken the time to tell him what was going on during your 7 month vacation from the marriage? what was going on in your mind? tried to explain what was happening with you to cause this behavior. addressed the issues that he must still wonder about...what you were doing with other men while you were away from him?

it sounds like you were addicted to the single life and were resentful of your H much of that time. add to that the violation of your friendships his for you and yours for him and you have made a pretty good case for infidelity. so dealing with the problem from that perspective is not to far off.

first of all you're very impatient and want to see changes in HIM! you want to see immediate changes in your HUSBAND!? he should decide if he wants to save the marriage...he should give you hope! come on.

young woman you need to back off a bit here and gain some perspective. you are just not going to solve this problem in a month or even 7 months maybe.

are you still friends with this single group that helped drag you into their life? if not tell him so and tell him why.

have you explained or tried to anaylize for him where your head was for the last 7 months...what you think caused you to behave the way you did and why you know it will never happen again?

look you can't just say OK! time out! i made a mistake as lets have a do over. this is marrriage not a soft ball game. things happend that are very suspect. he is having a huge problem understanding where his W disappeared to for the last 7 months and who this new lady is that suddenly has come back.

if it were me i woud give him all the space in the world. i would be there for him in every way that i could think of. i would not force any relationship issues down his throat.

instead remind him of why he married you by going back to being his best friend. give him time to see who you are again. make no relationship demands on him at all!

let him fall in love with you again. be the wonderful woman you were before he became disalluisioned and disappointed in you. i would do it all but most important, i would dedicate myself to doing it for as long as it takes to get him back..with no qualifications! none! this means total comittment!

one last thought...stop taking advice from pridefull friends...people who will make you resentfull of the situation and how long and hard it will be...it's grow up time now...this situation can make you and form you as a woman for years to come...making the effort now can only make you a better woman and a person.

sorry for being so posative and judgemental.
coach

Also, I do not know what broke the resolve. I believe it was alot of built up anger. He told me for 7 months he carried the weight of this marriage on his shoulders and he was done with it. He also met a girl and I believe she is taking my place right now. He is thinking why should I be married when I was married too young and could be out partying. Please understand that this is not my H. He hates bars and clubs. He has abondoned not only me but his best friends whom he does not go out with anymore. He has a new "crew."

we crossed posts. LOL have you been to therapy re: your molestation problem? so sorrry..asif that's enought to say.

how does all this reconcile with him waitring around for 7 months for you...i mean you would think that he would be posting as soon as you were out the door!
coach

I did explain everything to him the other night. He does not believe a word I say. He will not let me try to be his best friend again. I just dont know how to be there for him when he wont let me be.

I have been to therapy in college. The only person who knows about this is my therapist, and now my H, who, at this point doesnt care. I stoped therapy when I graduated because I felt like I was in control of the situation. I thought this all the way up until my honeymoon when it was time.

if this is the situation then he sounds to be acting out...just as a child would. and of course, both of you are still really children! sorry do not mean to be condensending but you both are so young and are finding such childish ways to hurt each other. look, he is just plain angry right now! if you're patiant i would bet anything that he will come around. the thing is you have to be a safe friend for him to come to...not some one that is going to reprimand him like a parent.
coach

you really should be back in therapy! it's obvious that this thing is still screwing up your life. and by the way, i bet he does really believe you...he just doesn't want to go there right now because it's to terrible to deal with...but that's all the more reason to confront the problem even if you have to do it alone.

as for him...just back off! you are not goingto make him do anythingat this point. the only person you can control is you...so behave in a way that will cause hime to see the best you that can present.
coach

PS. this relationship is not over so don't lose hope. you have to fight for the good things in this lfe...if it's worth having then it's worth fighting for!

I am trying to back off. Its just so hard. I want to make it up to him so bad. He said it is over because he cant trust me, im not his friend, and he doesnt feel the same way. He does not feel that it can ever be that way again so he is giving up.

I am still holding onto hope that he will at least give me a chance to go out to eat, ect. with him.

Coach has a good point sugesting you to seek IC. You need it ... you need the closure of your past problem. This is a contaminant that you brought into your M. However it is not the mistake but what you do about it is important.

You need to work on this closure regardless your M ... you have to be strong since your H is not available. Let this monkey off your back, H is not the answer and can't support you right now. Focus on this issue.

How to amend your H ? ... work on closure of your past problem. Now you know about ENs & LBs , UA (Undivided attention-time) & RH, you should be honest with him. Trust takes time and require work on your side. Undivided attention, do the most out from the time given, don't push anything yet be smart on using the contact time. No R talk unless he approaches it and if it is too hot you should walk away or just change the subject. Guess his LB by fillin LBQ as if he does it for you ... if you want M you have to bite your tounge. Guess his ENs by fillin ENq as if he does it for you, the order is not important do the top 5.

Q for U ... how many years have you been M ?, was he ever happy at all ? e.g how many good times that he used to remember in M ?.

People tend to stay M if they has receives ENs filled in the past, or currently or beleive that they are going to receive it in the future.

Plan A is to convince SO that you could change and capapble to fillin ENs. Fillin ENs as much as SO allows you to do it and don't push it so that it become LB !.

-rh-

ineed - You are getting good advice hereAlso what you can do to help is action, action, action. My H always talked about things getting better - but never did anything. Get into counseling by yourself to resolve issues, get into support group for others going through same thing, clean house,organize, cook, exercise and keep busy so that you don't have to rely on H for your satisfaction. It will be hard at first, but once you get busy, it is it's own reward. Read up on Plan A and stick with it during the time you have with H. But also you need to work on yourself and your issues. HUGS to you and don't stop posting.

Hi Red and Believer -

Well, it keeps getting worse. Just moved out 2 weeks ago and already said he is going to file for divorce this week. I am so shocked, 3 weeks ago we were cuddling on the couch.

Red - to answer you Q's ...We were married a year last week. We have been together 3 years. A big issue with him is that he is 24 and I was his first real relationship. He thinks he is missing out on something and can only have his fun by being divorced. Yes, we were very happy. Until I went off with friends and made my bad decisions were were together allt he time and loved it. We were best friends and everyone envied us. Yes, we had many good times. That is the problem. I cant stop remembering them. He said when he remembers them it makes him angry, because of what I did. I think deep down he loves me but is torn by many different issues. I asked him last night if a reason why he was doing this was b/c he didnt think it would ever be back to the way it was and he said yes. If we didnt have the relationship that we had up until the time I left him emotionally I would not be fighting so hard for this. I just dont think he realizes that a relationship like the one we had only comes around once in a lifetime and for some people never.