Thank you for your response. I just feel I am being pulled in so many different directions. Everyone I know except for those (online)are really pushing me to divorce. I was not considering doing this till he shut me off financially and then threatened to turn the phone and power off at the house I lived in. I felt divorce was the only way to resolve all of the above. The other thing is I guess I have lost hope and I am just not as committed to saving this as I was 4 weeks ago.

Everyone online thinks WH will come back. Thinks I should hold off. I have not contacted a lawyer yet. I have been looking for one. I guess I will try to put it off till I feel better about it.

I tried to suggest to mom I was not ready to do this. Her comment was that this is what I need to do and even if we get divorced we could get remarried if I wanted down the road.

How do I make my family understand my position. None of them can fathum why I would want to take him back. Right now I can not understand why I wish he would come back.

That is where I am at. Mixed in confusion trying to go on with life.

Hi again,

There's a popular notion that Dv is easy and painless. It isn't - it's painful and expensive.

Getting a Dv on the basis that you can always marry again later is a bizzare suggestion. Why hurry? Wait until you're sure. Of course everyone here will encourage you not to get a Dv - this site is dedicated to saving marriages.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that what your H has done is wrong and if you decide on a Dv I wouldn't criticise you at all.

I am done. WH stole my car out of the garage last night. Won't return it. I don't want a man that can treat me this way. I deserve better. He can take a leap off a high cliff. Now I am in plan D.

looking -

Take a deep breath. Relax.

Do see a lawyer. Not necessarily to start divorce proceedings but to get a handle on what it will be like if you do - and what to expect.

Might make trying a little longer seem like a viable alternative - maybe not.

Hang in there - either way a lot of people here are pulling for you and your support group grows and grows.

DD

the best thing I can do for me according to my lawyer is not to wait. Get him to agree to my terms while he wants out so desperately. Offer to let him out and pay for the D if he agrees to make payments to me for that cost in D papers as well as my terms.

As far as him coming back I am finally at the point where I don't want him. He stole my car last weekend. He has done other things to try to control my life. He threatens to shut the power off and call the bank and give the house back to them. He tells me to get on with my life yet still wants to control me. He thinks he can do whatever he wants yet if he hears I am doing something that he does not agree with he tries to pull on that choke chain somehow. I am at the end of the rope and the only thing I feel for him is hate. I have no contact with him yet he has still managed to kill any feelings I have for him by his actions. I can not allow him to treat me this way. I have to try to get out of this sham of a marriage in the best possible shape I can so I can begin to go on again. I just can no longer do it. I have no feelings for him anymore. I only have hatred for this man who can treat me like garbage. I don't know how I can continue to wait.

I have just registered here, and found your communications concerning your troubled marriage. It sounds very similar to mine, and I was looking for some hope/help. My husband moved out in March, with the excuse that separation would "help" us repair our ailing marriage. I found out in April there was an OW and had been for 3 years! I was hurt and furious but offered to forgive if he would give it up and get us into counseling. He said no...he wanted to keep the affair. I started reading the books, including "Surviving an Affair". I have tried several things, to no avail. I guess I am in PlanB, but I have also filed for a separation agreement. I can't see the point of waiting for this man, who has given me no indication that he wants me.

I have made it clear I want the marriage saved, even in the cover letter that went with the separation agreement. I know everyone thinks I am crazy to want this man, but we were very happy at one time, and I believe we could be again. I am 55 and he is 62...I don't look forward to a life alone, or trying to find a new partner.

Here's the clincher...the OW is married and her husband knows what's going on! He has told me he is waiting for her to come back to him. They live together. The latest news is that she has bought a condo in the same community where my husband now lives.

What should I do? Hang in there and wait? I feel like a fool to wait. He has said he doesn't know what he wants, but he refuses to give up the affair.

We have no contact now....haven't since 10/15, except a brief message concerning mail.

What do you think?
les55

married 10 years, together 14
no children

I really don't know what to say. The car was the last straw. It took me a long time to get to this point. I can tell you that much of my new found courage has come from a very loving man. We have not made any commitment. But he is helping me through this. He helped me understand that I can truely be happy without my husband and that I deserve to be treated much better. I know by my WH's reaction to the above mentioned relationship that chances are one day he would come back. But he has turned into someone I no longer want. I want to be free of his chains of emotional abuse. He is still trying to control me while all the time telling me I need to move on he is never coming back. But by his attempts to control he is the one not going on with his life. I have and am moving on no matter what he does or says. I am no longer going to be his sap. I don't discourage you from waiting. It is only a decision you can make. I won't try to infulence you one way or another. All I can tell you is my story. I would be happy to talk about your feelings. As I do understand. If my H would have just left me alone throughout all of this I would still probably be waiting for him to come back. He is the one that caused me to move on and leave him behind. He helped me make my decision by his actions.

LFT

Hi,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know from your posts that you really do not want a divorce but are worried about finances. Might I suggest a legal separation. Under an order of legal separation you can sue for sposal support and/or child support if the two of you have children.

Temporary Relief
Any party can request temporary relief while a divorce or custody case is pending. An order for temporary relief is terminated and replaced by the provisions of the final order. An order for temporary relief may include the following:

Temporary custody and/or visitation;
Temporary child support;
Temporary maintenance (also known as spousal support);
Temporary exclusive possession of the marital residence;
Temporary assignment of bills such as a mortgage;
A temporary restraining order restraining the other party from disposing of property;
A temporary restraining order enjoining the other party from removing a child from the jurisdiction of the court;
Interim attorney’s fees;
Any other appropriate temporary relief.


This might not change your H's mind about the marriage but it will protect you and your intrestes regarding the marital property.

Here are some links to look at:

http://www.illinoislawhelp.org/inde...;p_area=59&pCode=319&L2pCode=346

http://www.law.siu.edu/selfhelp/info/family/Legal%20Separation%20Packet.pdf

http://carpls.com/selfhelp.asp

I hope this gives a good idea where your rights stand. If it was me and wanting the marriage I would go for a legal separation. It will protect your financial interests but also still work on the marriage. Right now your H is not thinking clearly...so you need to protect yourself.

I cant add anything further than the previous post, which was very good advice, very good.

Which county do you live in, if you are in the northern counties there are several attorneys that are exclusive in the divorce field and are very good. I live in Illinois also and have worked with many attorneys.

Please be careful about the male that you are talking about that is supporting you now, you are VERY vulnerable at this time and dont need to confuse issues any more than what they are, maybe take a break from this guy and think things out, you dont need to jump from one relationship to another at this point.

DaRookie