I've read a lot of posts about exposing affairs and have a question. What happens when telling people doesn't seem to matter?

My H is having an A, his family and her family know and act as they are the married couple. His co-workers know. Some of them tell him they think he's crazy but for the most part they mind their own business. So there is no longer any secrecy but it doesn't seem to matter. Affair was able to thrive until he actually made the decision to see if our marriage was worth anything. Now that we are actually really in plan A, he's seeing the problems and the A is no longer thriving. But the exposure did nothing for that and he still hasn't ended it.

Basically, IMHO, exposing the affair did nothing.

Now the only people who don't know are my children and I don't think I want to go that route. I think it would destroy his relationship with them, and as much as I would love for H to see what they would think of OW if they realized the type of relationship they have, I've been advised by everyone I know, including our MC, that I'm right in not saying anything to my kids.

Any thoughts?

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: TooTired4Words ]</small>

Is the other woman married?

Does she work with him?

Are they living together?

Exposing an affair involves exposing the people that can make a difference.

If she is married then to her husband. If not to her family.

If they work together then its the boss not the coworkers that matter.

I do agree that unless a divorce is eminent the kids do not need to know at this stage.

But if he has left the home and is living with her that changes things.

In answer to your questions...

The OW is 35, single and never been married. She does not work with him and they are not living together. H has been very diligent about not leaving evidence around his apartment of the fact that they are anything more than casual friends. I know this is true because I have "popped in" from time to time, when the kids are there and things are pretty OW free around his apartment.

And since I posted this, not only does it not look like divorce is not imminent. H just told me that he's going to dismiss the divorce petition he did file. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, I certainly won't tell the kids now. But, I do have another question. It won't surprise me to find my kids (especially my five year old) asking why she can't "come over". Any suggestions?

Let your H answer that question. He needs to feel some of the same pain he has caused on others

I feel for you.

"My H is having an A, his family knows and invites OW to their home for dinner. His co-workers know. Some of them tell him they think he's crazy but for the most part they mind their own business. Her family and friends know and invite him along to their family functions, etc. So there is no longer any secrecy but it doesn't seem to matter."

Marital break-up is so common these days that there is acceptance of it - especially where one partner has actually moved out. This will be taken as a sign that the M is over. You need to challenge this attitude.

Whenever you have the chance tell them all that the M isn't over, that 90% of adulterous relationships fail, that 65% of second marriages fail and that research shows that children are better off in a troubled relationship than in a break-up. All this is true. They think they are helping the situation but they are hurting you and doing harm. Don't pull punches on this.

"Affair was able to thrive until he actually made the decision to see if our marriage was worth anything. Now that we are actually really in plan A, he's seeing the problems and the A is no longer thriving."

Tell them that too.

"But the exposure did nothing for that and he still hasn't ended it."

Not sure. There must be a question mark in his family about whether OW will last. They may want you to be friendly but that doesn't mean they've accepted her.

"My family suspected before I did, but I think that's as much my not wanting to admit more than anything. My family is very religious and all but two of them (I come from family of 11) have advocated trying to meet H where he is at. Which effectively means be civil if not outright friendly, but for most of them friendly is the word."

Tell them which way is up. Hit hard. They're religious? So ask them what their moral position on adultery is. Tell them that their stance on this is hurtful to you and that you want their support to save the M. Quote the statistics I gave you above. You need support to save a M and they're not giving it. I'm a Lay Preacher in the Methodist Church and there is a very clear Christian position on this and they are way off message. If you think it will help, print off this post and show it to them.

"Admittedly, the two remaining people in my family that aren't "friendly" to H are the two people with whom H has problems. Surprise, surprise. But basically exposing the affair did nothing."

Show this post to these two and ask them to lobby on your behalf. Whatever problems there may have been in your M an affair was not the answer. You can accept half the responsibility for the condition of the M pre-affair but zero for the affair. Adultery is wrong and anyone who asks you to accept it needs their moral compass reset to North. You working Plan A is one thing but the best attitude your family can take and the most help they can give is clear support for you and condemnation of the A. We're trying to put pressure on a wrong relationship and they need to come on board.

"Now the only people who don't know are my children and I don't think I want to go that route. My kids are 8, 5 and 8 mo, respectively. It would destroy his relationship with them, and as much as I would love for H to see what they would think of OW if they realized the type of relationship they have, I've been advised by everyone I know, including our MC, that I'm right in not saying anything to my kids."

I've never been in this situation but for what it's worth I'd tell them, at least in terms that they can understand. They know Daddy's left home and lots of other kids at school will have been through break-ups. Don't assume they don't have an inkling already. They've got to know sometime and the longer you leave it the harder it'll be.

You could put this to WH and ask him how he thinks it should be tackled. And if not now then when? When they reach 12? Or maybe 16 or 18 or 21? Is this too long term? So what are his long term plans? Don't be angry or LB, it's a practical problem and needs a solution.

Your family may be ambiguous but I'm totally on your side.

I know how you feel about telling the people that should be able to make a difference, but remain indifferent upon finding out.

My IL's are the same, they claim she is a audult and they cannot tell her what to do.

MIL say simply why would you want someone back if they cheated on you and to get over it.

Find out MIL had a A about 9 years ago herself with a fellow co-worker, how can she condem her daughter for something she has done herself?.

Since they put blind folds on and are more or less accepting of the A I resorted to one thing, that was exposing the past of the OP to them. WhenI knew they were not home I left a voice mail message that the OP was getting a D over the A with thier daughter, that he was arrested for 2 alcoholic related incidents, been diagnosed as a chronic alcoholic and that I did not want my son exposed to this person who is a alcoholic and has no morals or character and I felt it wrong that thier daughter was exposing thier grand child who is 10 to this type of enviorment. I invited them to contact me, in fact urged them to, but.... it is thier only child who can do know wrong. The seed had been planted though.

This was done awhile back and I still cannot believe that her parents who always claimed the moral high ground are accepting ot this.

bump--

Would like to see if other people have experienced exposure with no ill effects to A? Did A reach demise in future?


I am getting very close to exposure. I have known for almost 2 months, my BF has known for about that long also and her H has known for about 2 weeks. Thinking about my parents and his parents. Not a work-related A, so I'm iffy about that.

Well, my WH's A was exposed right away by me to a few people and family members mostly because I was so distraught I had to talk to someone. One or two others in our small community who are friends of the OW already knew. WH had already had our D out there once or twice on "innocent" pretenses which enraged me, of course. D, age 10, figured it out for herself by bits and pieces and then a schoolmate told her "I saw your dad out on a date!" WH and OW had gone to an out of the way place--so they thought. This was just a month or so after he moved out. As you can imagine, D was devastated and still is. Her own teenage S knew from the beginning which tells me alot about OW's values and priorities.

We're in such a small town that there are no secrets but her name wasn't out there too much because she herself is a hermit type. They don't yet go to many very public events and have little support except from a few of her friends. H doesn't see his old friends anymore. So they are very much living in a fantasy bubble still.

I did not "name" her to folks who didn't know for some time but I do now in a very matter of the fact way. Part of my reasoning is that I have nothing to be ashamed of and this is just a fact. And truth is I get a little secret pleasure from seeing the reaction! OW has a reputation as a nutcase and, frankly, isn't as attractive as me. I literally seen jaws drop when they hear her name! My WH hadn't known her as the rest of the folks here have for years so people actually feel sorry for him. They figure her issues will come out sooner or later. I'm not so sure! I know how he hates to admit he's made a mistake so I'm beginning to suspect he'll stay with his usual pattern in life which is ride a sinking ship to the ocean's bottom and drown.

Didn't mean to get so long-winded! I just wanted to say that even though exposure has not affected the A to any great degree, it HAS been good for my PMA. I know that it has been uncomfortable for many of OW's friends who were told lies early on about our marriage. Most thought we were already divorced!

If I'd had the choice, I would not have wanted our D to find out. I tried to shield her for a long time and wouldn't answer her questions directly - just told her that was something she should ask her dad. Of course, she didn't and still won't talk to him at all about her feelings.