I've been debating a Plan B letter for some time and suddenly the time seems right! I stayed up last night to write a draft and now I need some feedback. Some of the references in here are very personal such as the "1,000 mile" quote - because of distance and circumstances when we met, WH used to say he had to go a 1,000 miles over broken glass for me. Is this all too mushy? Not strong enough? Let me have it, please! I want to get this out while the time is right!

Also, I am very unsure about copying the letter to the OW for several reasons: first, it's between WH and me and I don't wish to give her any more power. Secondly, I know WH will be angry if I involve her. Any thoughts?

THANK YOU for all opinions! Here goes:

"Dear H,

I don’t think I will ever write a more difficult letter. I want you to know that this comes with great sadness and only after much deliberation

First, I want to acknowledge and apologize for my contributions to the problems in our marriage. As we’ve discussed earlier, it seems a miracle that we made it as long as we did in the face of circumstances that would have soon ended other marriages. Those first thousand miles turned out to be more arduous than we could ever have imagined, didn’t they? I don’t know that either of us would have had the courage to take that first step had we known what lay ahead. I think of Bobby’s tender birth [first child, who was stillborn], our loss of the unknown babies, the business failure, and so many stressful moves across so many difficult miles. I believe our success—-at least for awhile—-was not so much a miracle as a function of the love we shared. So here we are with a beloved child and albums full of photographs as testament. I see us standing on the edge of Scotland, perched on camels before the Pyramids, walking Venice Beach on a Sunday, riding bikes on Captiva. . .and, of course, that most extraordinary day of all when we finally birthed our dear daughter.

And though we now stand here facing a failure, I cannot help but see many of those years as confirmation of a special relationship that embodied a deep love and commitment. But we are at this new juncture and I am writing this letter because our failures look as if they are to outweigh those times of triumph.

The past year has been the most difficult time of my life. I know it has painful for you, too. There have been times I was not sure I could endure another day. There are still moments I want to dismiss whatever it is in me that pulls me toward tomorrow. Besides our daughter, of course, the most important thing that has kept me going is the sure knowledge that between us was a unique and resilient love.

Unfortunately, I now find my thoughts and feelings of love are in danger of slowly eroding away. I do not want that to happen and that is why I must now write this letter and take this painful step. I must ask you not to contact me. I simply cannot see you any longer, knowing that you and B***** are still together. It has become too painful and results in my feeling uncomfortable and used. This decision is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery in the future.

I am very sorry for the many ways I let you down. I know my actions contributed to the unhappiness that led to your affair with B*******. I feel deep pain knowing that I hurt you, someone I loved so dearly. While I cannot change the mistakes I made in the past, I have been able to recognize those errors in judgment, learn from them, and take steps to ensure that I will not make them again. I am proud of the person I am becoming. I am more aware, more appreciative of life’s gifts and I know that I will carry that with me always. It’s a lesson I learned once before and forgot too easily. And this bears repeating: It really isn’t about the money! It is about all those words we toss around so lightly: love, commitment, forgiveness.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your wife in more than name only. I still believe we can have a happy, loving, fulfilling marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and desire we can restore our family and reclaim the love we’ve shared. I believe we can again have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams. Please understand that I’m not naïve and I do not wish to return to our marriage as it had become. But the time I’ve spent this year thinking, reading, and talking to others in similar situations has helped me to understand why and how we’ve ended up at this sad place. Most importantly, it’s shown me that what we had is more extraordinary than either of us realized and certainly is worth our best efforts. For me personally, that effort is something I feel I owe our daughter, you, and myself.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give us a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our relationship and make it what we know it can be. I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and I will need the assurance that B***** is no longer a part of your life. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage. More than anything else in this world, I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I would like us to be able to demonstrate love’s best lessons to C [our daughter].

I am willing to join with you and work to heal both our marriage and our spirits, but until that time, please respect my wishes and contact me only under the circumstances I’m enclosing with this note. I hope you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings and any chance of reconciliation in the future.

I appreciate those moments of connection we’ve had lately. I’m sure I will miss that. But I also know that this action is the only way I can protect the feelings I have for you and continue to value the love we’ve shared.

I fell in love with you that long ago night in Mobile. I still love you today. We’ve certainly walked more than a thousand miles over broken glass. I hope we will someday find the courage to continue that walk on what I know can be a firm and loving ground."

I have another question, please!

Along with the B letter, I am enclosing a seperate note detailing how I wish to "exchange" our child and contact each other regarding visitation, etc. WH has lately agreed to not have OW around our daughter though he had done so in the past. Should I mention that I expect him to continue to honor that agreement in the note? Or best to assume he will do as he said he would (always a question!)?

Also, I am very unsure about copying the letter to the OW
It lets her know exactly where you stand on your marriage and what you want. Many times, the ws lies to the op and says the bs kicked them out or filed for divorce. This sets them straight.
If it gets your h mad, oh well. Not your intent.

First paragraph good.

And though we now stand here facing a failure,
Leave this out.

I know it has painful for you, too.
Leave this out.

Unfortunately, I now find my thoughts and feelings of love are in danger of slowly eroding away. I do not want that to happen and that is why I must now write this letter and take this painful step. I must ask you not to contact me. I simply cannot see you any longer, knowing that you and B***** are still together. It has become too painful and results in my feeling uncomfortable and used. This decision is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery in the future.
Good. But make sure it clearly explains no contact, not just “must ask you not to contact me”.
Something like “I will not have any further contact with you until you end your affair with B*****”.

I am very sorry for the many ways I let you down.
Leave this out.

It’s pretty good. I think it’s a bit long. Also, you have in three different places about no contact. Put it all in one paragraph and leave it at that. No need to keep going over it. Also, it should be towards the end, not the beginning.

WH has lately agreed to not have OW around our daughter though he had done so in the past. Should I mention that I expect him to continue to honor that agreement in the note?
Just put it in that you do not want your daughter to be around OW during his vistation. Don't remind him of his agreement.

As far as note concerning visitation, do you really need one? If you already have schedule worked out then what more needs to be in it?
Everything should be explained to whomever you are using as the "middleman". Also, they need to be fully aware that this may be a pretty nerve-wracking eperince for them.

jazmom- To me the letter is a little long and too detailed about the past. I wrote very short letter to WH, that I loved him and wanted to say married, that I knew there were problems in marriage that I contributed to, but to protect my love for him I wanted NC while he was still with OW. If the day ever came that she was gone, we could work on a plan for reconciliation. When he kept trying to contact me, I told him to read the letter. Luckily it was short enough where he got the main idea. But there are lots of experts here, hopefully they will join in. Good luck.

Thank you for the suggestions--right on target. As I read it over, I can see I'm still trying to get him to GET IT! Working on a pared down version now.

hey jazzlady(mom),
i don't know if it's a perfect plan B letter but it certainly did the trick for me. i just don't see how the foolish man could give up the person who wrote that letter for anything or for anyone.

i just want you to know that i thought you expressed yourself almost poetically...with great kindness and great dignity.

coach

Thanks for the kind words, Coach. I LIKE to write and WH will recognize this as me. But I think I'm still trying to make him "get it" and that will put him on guard.

In my rewrite, I'm trying to leave any poetics intact but organize it better and avoid repeating myself.

You shoulda seen the note I wrote soon after D-Day! I thought it was great but it takes more than pretty words to be heard in a fog.