This could be a long story. I will try and condense it as much as possible. Almost 3 years ago I met another woman. After several months things went from friendly to EA, then PA. I truly fell in love with her. Was seeing her very much, we seriously considered leaving our marriages. Her kids are much younger than mine. She finally come to the conclusion that she could not do that to her kids. I wasnt happy with her decision but know that really it was the right thing to do. My wife found out after we had decided to stay in our marriages. My wife and I have both acknowleded faults that led to me giving up on our marriage. I have tried to be very open and honest about my relationship with my lover. My wife knows I still talk to her from time to time.(I know this isnt what most here would agree with). I will see her out with her family every once in a while. Our relationship is very much plutonic at this time. I dont tell my wife everytime I see her or talk to her, unless she asks. Its been about a year and a half since my wife found out and we decided to work on our marriage. I told her I wasnt sure I could ever reach the point where I didnt want to know what was happening in my lovers life. And to this day she is still very much on my mind. I say all that to bring up what happened recently. My wife was out of town for a night. My lover just happened to be in some trainging and would be staying over night in a hotel. She and I talked and agreed to meet and have supper. I knew if I were to do that, that it could be very likely that I might end up spending the night with her. We had supper...then I took her back to the hotel, she wanted me to walk her to her room. I did and went inside with her. We began to talk about old times, because most of our times were spent in motel rooms. But after just a few minutes of talking we came to the conclusion that we had come too far to open up all the emotions that we had to deal with so much over the last year and a half. I have NEVER had to deal with anything as tough as what I went through when we quit seeing each other. I left there that night feeling so victorious and happy. I wasnt sure how the night would turn out. I now feel that I have leaped a huge hurdle in my life. I KNOW that I am making progress. I have not arrived and have some doubt that I will ever be the person I was before I gave up on my marriage. Now my question. I want so much to tell someone that I have had a victory. I want to be open and honest with my wife, but I am not sure about shareing this with her. I doubt that she will see it as a good thing. I do need some input from some of you. Maybe me telling it here will be good enough for now. Thanks in advance for the advice. Please dont be too hard on me. I really am trying. I know before I had my affair I was very critical of others that I knew had been unfaithful. I NEVER knew how hard it could be to try and end a relationship with someone that I had never had one negative moment with. I do think our relationship isnt typical. We spent many, many hours together, due to certain situations that were happening in her life at the time. I know this is lengthly......and honestly it is the very short version. Thanks again.

BB

BB -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want so much to tell someone that I have had a victory. I want to be open and honest with my wife, but I am not sure about shareing this with her. I doubt that she will see it as a good thing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell her. There are a host of reasons why, but you need to start telling her everything. Including the fact that you haven't told her all the times you've seen her since your relationship ended.

You're right. You had a big victory. It would be wonderful for your wife to know that you had the opportunity and you didn't take it. The problem is, will she believe you. Only she can answer that.

I'm sure you are aware of the PORH and the importance that honesty plays in any relationship. It's doubly important in relationships where it was lacking for such a long time. Now is a good time to tell your W everything because ultimately you are sharing a victory of sorts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told her I wasnt sure I could ever reach the point where I didnt want to know what was happening in my lovers life </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, part of why you feel this way is because you still see her. If you stopped seeing her, then you wouldn't be reminded of what you had and you would eventually stop wondering what she's doing, etc. Based on your post, I'd say you obviuosly have feelings for her that go beyond friendship. The thing is, even if you W is willing to accept this type of curiosity, it isn't fair to her. Even if you aren't aware of it, you are probably puting her second. I find it difficult to believe your continued contact with OW is something your wife actually wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have not arrived and have some doubt that I will ever be the person I was before I gave up on my marriage </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, no longer having any contact with the OW would help with this. It would allow you to focus 100% on your marriage. And in not seeing the OW you would be protecting your wife from any future transgressions. That would go along way to bringing your marriage back to what it once was.

My personal experience tells me that hiding things now is not an option. You need to be the one your W hears it from becuase you can't lie forever. At some point you will forget to tell her about some time you saw the OW and she will hear it from someone else. What happens then?

Good luck.

-4Words

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: TooTired4Words ]</small>

BB-

Apparently I also got long winded. And here I thought I was giving you the condensed version as well. Wow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

4W Thanks for responding to my post. I have alot of respect for what most people say here. Thats why I am here.

I know the "PERFECT" way to repair all the damage in my marriage would be to stop all contact with OW. I know things are relative too. To me and to her we feel we have almost reached that point. Especially when we compare it to the time we were spending together. As far as telling my W about everytime I have seen OW and being worried about someone else telling her, it will probably not ever happen. OW lives in another town, and W and I were in the same store with OW and her family not long ago....on the same aisle only about 5' away from one another. W has never met her, only seen a pic of her. W walked past her and said excuse me, that is when OW noticed we were there, I did notice them several minutes earlier.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The thing is, even if you W is willing to accept this type of curiosity, it isn't fair to her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W isnt wanting to accept this but realizes that its a chapter in my life that cannot be changed. Believe me if I could go back and change it I would. I will not ever be able to "PRETEND" like that person never existed. She will always be a part of my life. Obviously not to the extent I once thought. As far as any curiosity goes, I have no idea how this could be considered curious. There isnt much about her I dont know. She has told me several times that I know her much better than anyone in her family.

I do think the main thing is that we, Me, W, and OW are all making some kind of progress in our lives. And as long as we try to focus on the positives and not the negatives it is a good thing. I have found I am alot more tolerant of others mistakes now than I used to be. Things in life can be pretty humbling.

Thanks again.

I am by no means an expert on any of this so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

It sounds to me from your post that your feelings are still rather divided between your wife and OW. I have not been in the situation you are in, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you to truly let go.

BUT...I will tell you this. I have been in your wife's position, and I will tell you, it's the absolute most painful thing I've ever had to go through. It's like someone you love terribly has died, and a person until that point you trusted and loved with all your heart tells you to "get over it" and adds salt to your wounds everyday. I fear that your continued contact with your OW may end up leading back into a full fledged affair and you will plunge your wife back into that.

I am glad that you had your victory, but I think you should take that a step further and take it as a sign that you CAN get on with your life and allow everyone else that was affected to get on with their lives as well.

As far as telling your wife, yes, you should. I also think you should look through this site more, and perhaps get IC. When you do tell her you should perhaps suggest ideas from this site on repairing your marriage, and perhaps suggest MC to her, and tell her (and mean it!) that you will never see that woman again.

Anyway, as I said, please take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I am speaking not as an expert but as a woman who's husband is currently in an affair. The pain I feel every day as this goes on is almost to much to endure, and I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we make it through all this and then sometime in the future he begins his affair with his OW again.

Good luck to you,

Sio

Big Boy,

I am not sure you know the proper way to end this A if you still post this question. How A should end ?

* Tell your W, answer the question truthfully and you might have to answer the same question 100x. You have to, it is part of SO's healing.
* Beg for forgiveness.
* Draft & show NC letter to her and let her or person of her choice to deliver it to OW.
* Ask her to see MC to work on M, to make this M a fullfilin one.
* Promise her that you would be accountable for -
your time, always let hr know where you are and what you are doing at all time. - your money, open book for CC/Bank Statement and you cash in hand. - your communication, let her has all access to your cell bill, email accounts and any attempt of contact from her you should let her know and let her decide what to do.
* Promise her the 4 gifts of love and abide by your promises.

-rh-