Briefly, cos the details are still too painful. Married at 19, married for 26 years. Two daughters aged 21 and 24, both overseas studying.
Discovered A on Aug 12 when I found them together. H announced he was going to leave after our trip to daughter's grad. Due to the nature of the trip, neither of us were going to stay behind. H ann0ounced to daughter thatwe were splitting up and why. D's devastated. A week before we returned (three weeks ago) he agreed to give us another go, but yesterday he confirmed that it wasn't over. Said he will end it on Monday, but I don't see why it can't have been done yesterday - except of course if he hasn't really made up his mind. Actually he has admitted being v confused. Plan A is in full swing (actually had been before I even found this website), but I am finding it very hard indeed. he is being kind and thoughtful and we have talked frankly about all aspects of our past trouble, but his kindness is making me even more frightened, because i keep feeling this really deep and abiding love for him. Only I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. He doesn't like the suggested way of ending it and wants to do it in private. Don't know if he will go and see her, or talk over phone. If he gets upset enough, he may well see her after work and I cannot stand the idea of waiting home alone for him, not knowing - or worse knowing - where he is. I have thought about Plan B tomorrow ie leave a letter exp-laining that i cannot go on like this (I am scared that she will become an "acceptable" part of our lives). Should I show that I do have some independence and that I have the strength to leave? I absolutely KNOW that this A won't last and part of me would like to let it run it's course so that he gets hurt, but I will not be able to keep up Plan A much longer, though i want to. I am in councelling and already know that I have got to start thinking about myself, my sanity and my health. Also, whilst in Plan A and knowing it is still going on, am I supposed to be sharing a bed with him? I made two rules when we got home - if he's in my house he doesn't see her and if he's in my bed he doesn't speak to her. Both have been broken, though the once he has seen her was the day after I lost it completely and he had a reason to be upset. I love him more than ever, but at some point I have to protect myself, cos at this stage it could fall either way and I know it.

Lum- Your story sounds a lot like mine, though I didn't do Plan A at all. My H kept saying he loved me, wanted to work on mariage but OW was still with him everyday. I told him he had to have NC with her to reconcile with me. They went to a motel to break up. This back and forth behavior kept happening. He gave me a letter saying he was going to initiate a 9th NC with OW and I crumpled it up and threw it in his face - He said "This is the last chance I'm giving you to save our marriage". All during this time I could hardly function, was up for a promotion at work, got passed by and I was just like a zombie. H spent his whole check on OW and we had to file for bankruptcy. I just couldn't let the situation continue. Gave him Plan B letter 3 weeks ago. He tried to maintain contact with me for about 3 days and since then have not heard from him. But I know from OW's H that they are still hot and heavy. Anyway sounds like your H wants to have his cake and eat it too. You really haven't been in Plan A long enough for MB standards, but only you know how long you can take this. Since going into Plan B I'm much happier, even though H is with her. I can concentrate on work, home, and getting on with my life. I don't constantly think about them and most days life is good. Keep posting here and you will get lots of support and advice, no matter what you decide to do. Hugs from California.

Lum57,

Sound like you are ripe for plan B. Push him to choose and if he choose to be w/ OW he will not get any ENs from you. This is probably an empty nest A and if there is any slight chance to not nly patch your M but also have a fullfiling M, you have to plan B.

Remember Dv could be the end result but staying put and accepting his actions (disrepect of boundry that he agreed) would be worst than Dv.

Draft plan B letter, put in ammends that you would seek if he is willing to work on M and lay out the logistics. I would hand him the letter if he babbles again on Monday. If he is willing to work on M, you gave him the boundry & let him tell you how he is going to prove it to you that he abide by it. Read POJA on how to negotiate.

-rh-

lum - One point worth considering when you say if he is sharing your bed - what about any diseases he may have now. In my case my H came home with minor cases on two occasions which he claimed was caught from the bedding. This was before I knew what was going on. These days there are very worrying implications of sleeping around and OW may have dubious background. Please be careful and suggest he gets checked before it is too late.
Sorry to be bearer of such bad thoughts but these things scare me.
Am thinking of you constantly.