Hey everyone,

I'm at such a loss. He has been at his parents for 2 weeks now. If I do go over there he gets angry and says he doesnt want to see me. He told me he doesnt want me to be there for him. Last night he told me he was going to the court this week. :-(...I'm so hurt and my heart is broken. He was my best friend. He told me that he was miserable with me for 4 months and thought about it alot. He says that he believes we can never have what we had and he was married way too fast. I believe that if I never did what I did (abondon his EN) that wouldnt even be a topic. Now what? I know the reason why he is miserable is because hes hurt and angry. Can I fix this before he files??

My WH filed almost immediately after moving out and said he wanted the D as soon as possible. That was over a year ago and we're not even close to the a final D--he's not pursuing it aggressively at all. I don't ask about it. He knows what he has to do to get divorced and he knows it's up to him. I won't help him but can't stop him either. My WH, like yours, was very angry, blaming everything under the sun on me. Even a nice gesture on my part made him mad! I'd suggest backing away lovingly - he wants space, give him space. He wants to file, let him do. In my experience any pushing one way or the other will send him further away. Back off and he may not be in such a hurry. You don't want the divorce so he should be the one to file and pursue it.

Jaz - I hope to God that this is out of anger.

Can you tell me exactly what happens when he files?

I'm not sure what you mean by what happens when he files. It may depend on the state where you live, but here you or yr attorney get "served" with divorce papers. This sounds worse than it is. Actually, mine came in the mail. Then you usually have a month or so to file an answer. That's something to think about and will depend on the grounds if there are any or if you're in a no-fault state. As to how long it takes to be final or get through the courts, there are many variables such as where you live, do you have children, the grounds, do you agree on property, etc. BUT don't get ahead of yourself worrying about this!

As to how you'll feel, well, for me it was awful, of course, just couldn't believe I was seeing our names on those nasty papers.

Now is the time for you to read all you can and start a good Plan A. That's easier said than done, I know, cause I was ruled mostly by my emotions for too long. I started to think of Plan A as NOT heeding my first reaction. The more I pushed, the more he pushed toward divorce. I wish I had muted my responses more and just listened to him. One thing that I started to do when he said something like "we were never meant to be" or "ILYBINILWY" is reply with a calm, "You may be right." There was nothing he could say back to that and so he didn't get defensive. Of course, in my head I was thinking, "You may be wrong, too!"

Jaz - I guess all I can do is sit around and wait to see if he calls me. The hardest part for me is the waiting. At times I feel like I can be strong and other times I miss him more than anything. This all happened so fast for me.

Well, everyone told me to take care of myself and NOT sit and wait but I don't think I could really focus much of anything else for a long time. IT was always there and everything reminded me of him and her. We live in a very small town so even venturing to the grocery store was an exercise in endurance. A friend gave me what I thought was silly advice when she suggested I make sure I didn't look like I felt. So I put on the lipstick, dressed well, and that actually did help. I loved it when people kindly told me I looked great (probably because I lost so much weight!)

Yes, it does feel horrible to see "our" names on those nasty papers. BUT...we can't put our lives on hold because of that. I was just served last week.

It is NOT the end (at least, not yet). And hopefully it never will be. Take care of yourself and do as Jaz was suggested. Don't look like you feel. Put make-up on, dress sexy and you WILL feel so much better when people everywhere start complementing you. I know I sure did. It made me realize that I AM someone VERY special and it is H who is at loss. I still love him and miss him like crazy but I'm still breathing and need to keep breathing (even without him by my side). I'm standing for my marriage even though in human eyes, it seems hopeless. I am trusting God and know that he does have a plan for me. Hang in there. We will make it thru. Pray and be strong.

H98

Hopefull -

Thank you for your post. I havent spoken with him since Sunday and so far no papers. I know it has only been 3 days. My sis-in-law saw him mon and tues and she said nothing was said about anything. She did say he seemed a bit withdrawn. I am hoping he is taking this time to think. I just dread going home everyday. I'm afraid I'll find the papers in my mailbox.

Hi= I can really relate to your being upset about H saying he is filing on you. My H never told me that he had actually filed until I answered the door and was served with the papers but he did often tell me in the wks leading up to that that our marriage was 'over in his head' and 'hopeless." I tried Plan A but only lasted 2 wks at it before I asked him to move out 'to think' since he refused to end things with OW. We were then separated about 6 wks before he filed for D- the entire time I wanted to reconcile and he knew I was against D in principle and for religious reasons. The day I got served I called him home from work and we had a 2 hr talk about it and he swore up and down that's what he wanted. I then called a friend to come pick me up and when I got home that night he had an emotional breakdown and called the next day to cancel the D papers. About 1 in 10 divorces filed do get dismissed like this. The next year was still rough though due to his going thru a several month depression (withdrawal from the high he got from OW) and he was in a huge mid life crisis. Eventually thru couples and individual counseling we worked things out though I still have post traumatic stress from upsetting things that went on during his EA/PA and the shock of getting the D papers! In my case OW was a single coworker who was pressuring H to divorce me to be with her and eventually her pressuring him led to his hastily filing the D papers just 2 mo after D-day. Take care and remember- "When you're going thru hell keep going!"- Winston Churchill