My wife moved out 5 days ago and Plan B commenced. I know she spent some of the weekend with the other guy. When she came to pick up our daughter yesterday she said she wanted to talk. I know, I know, I just couldn't say no, I was just too damn curious....bad move.

She said that all weekend she thought about us, the family, how she can't see a future without me, how we need to change etc. etc. She also mentioned that she spent a lot of time by herself. Problem is, she doesn't want to commit to trying again RIGHT NOW so it sounds to me like hollow words. More time to think. She said doesn't want to end up in the same situation in 6 -12 months time (i.e. unhappy with the marriage) - we both have identified through counselling where we went wrong......

If she's serious surely she'd make the move, right? Or is she faltering because she's out of the house and her comfort zone (she's staying with friends)? I'm so tired I just can't read her anymore.

Should I let things ride for the next few days (or weeks) or start giving her signals about reconciliation / moving back in now? Does she need to experience Plan B longer.....?

Sounds like she is riding the fence. Go dark, go back into your plan B. Let her feel what it would be like without you. Don't keep feeding her cake or she'll come to expect it. You can't change her mind, only she can do that. So, go back into your plan B. Did you give her a plan B letter. If so, she knows what she has to do to work things out. Go dark....

Action speaks louder than words. Your wife is stringing you along and trying to make sure that you will be there to take her back if her relationship with the other guy fails. Otherwise she would be working out details with you on how to reconcile and rebuild the marriage.

It is hard to be patient when you WS is still seeing OM. For my wife to end the A, she had to come to it on her own, but I helped speed up the process by calling her bluff a little (ie sell the house). It seemed to make her consider things more seriously and it wasn't long after that that she ended the A. She still wants time to figure her "self" out, which is hard for me, but it is so much easier now that OM is out of the picture.

Be patient, but let her know your needs/terms. Ultimatums don't work, but telling her the truth about what you need to happen for you is ok/good. It is honest and can't/shouldn't be used or taken as a threat.

If she can end the A, continue to be patient. Don't think that if she ends the A that she is ready to come back to you. She will still be very confused. I made that mistake and she ran from me again. Not back to him, but away. Now I am trying to get her to come back little by little. Hopefuly you can keep from scaring you WS off like I did. Patience is the key. That means time.

Good luck. Remember...one day she might feel one way and the next day she might feel the opposite. Expect that. Don't trust a word unless she shows you in her actions. Be careful. Be strong. It gets easier.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The next time she tries to engage you in small talk, calmly, respectfully, and quietly tell her that unless she is ready to commit to the conditions in your Plan B letter, further contact with her will only result in you losing all your love for her and if that happens then the marriage will indeed be over with NO possibility for reconciliation.

<small>[ October 28, 2003, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Ziggy
We must be married to the same woman; I'm just some months behind you in the process.

How long were you in Plan A? I've been in A for 3 weeks and want to hit Plan B to wake her up. Emotional detachment is helping and her actions do speak louder than words. My WW is totally confused, doesn't know what she wants, wants "to find herself", etc. Last night she was watching the video of our wedding and reception and laughing. I couldn't stand to watch it so I left and read Torn Asunder. That's a good book.

I asked her later why she was watching the video and she said that it was because she wanted to see what she was feeling that day and why because she is not feeling any of those things right now.

Like your situation, she stays at home but in the other room about 50% of the time. Again, actions speak louder than words. She's got her mind set that she is going...I guess.

Keep your head up and work on the issues that will make you a better lover and husband in the future.