Having posted a message the day before yesterday that was full of optimism and strength, I now feel so bad. Woke this morning thinking "Oh no. Not another day". Yesterday I as in such a good mood towards the evening. Had questioned WH about a suspicion I had and he denied it. In my sould I think he lied, but amd trying to choose to believe him. If he did what I think he did, it makes a mockery of all our honesty and talking. I am so very scared. The worst is that I want someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright, but the person who has been doing that for the last 26 years is now the one person who won't do it. I want to get rid of this hurt. Everything is so hard. I don't want to go into plan B cos it's only one step away from Dv and I cannot, just cannot, think about it. Back to one minute at a time here. I am so scared of having to live through the next few weeks or months waiting for A to end, but I'm too scared of Plan B. This is really really awful. Am crying YET AGAIN. Please, please can anyone give me something positive to look for? There doesn't seem too many people around for whom Plan B has worked.

Hi,

Here to let you know that your feelings and anxieties are temporary. They will pass. I know it may seem like an eternity but it isn't.

As for plan B not working, that is not true. Plan B isn't about fixing the WS, it is about strengthening the BS and protecting what love is left. The A takes the M on a destructive course. While in it, the Ws rewrites history. As foolish as those who say the holocaust did not exist, the WS says stupid stuff like I never loved you and should have never married you. Hogwash.

Here read this thread, it helped me when I was feeling like you: 5 stages of grieving

Hope this helps.
L.

Plan B is working for me. I used to be feeling low and desperate. Now I'm happy most days. Of course you're feeling terrible, it wouldn't be right if you didn't. But this will pass. Remember Plan A works too and there are hundreds of people on this board it has helped. Right now you need to be reading, posting, and taking care of yourself. It really helps, kind of like group therapy. Hang in there, don't give up.

I am just so scared he's going to turn around and say or do something as hurtful as before. Don't think i could take that pain again. I suppose that would make up my mind about going into Plan B. Didn't really show him how good it could be today - smiling isn't coming easy at the moment. The talking we have managed before also didn't come easy today - same reason, too scared to hear the answers to my queries.

About being scared of the hurtful things they say

I found this statement from another thread (I think from Hope4Future?):

"She's rejecting you further because of the pain of caring....which means she DOES care."

Maybe your spouse is feeling a lot of guilt right now, remembering how he was acting before? So as a defense against feeling so badly he's trying to do a little bit of justifying again? After my husband's last affair he had a really tough time with that. And of course it was really scary for me when he'd get distant and quiet! I would NEED erassurance from him but he couldn't give it. And I guess that's when he needed me to be the strongest and I couldn't. It was probably scary for him to see me acting so scared because he needed me to act brave and hopeful enough for both of us at times, when he maybe doubted we could really recover fully?

Now I wish I could have just relaxed and enjoyed him more. If I could do it all over again I would have given him more comfort and reassurance at those times BUT not in a way that seemed like I was being needy or insecure.

I'm not exactly an expert on this though (my husband has had several affairs so I don't exactly think of myself as a good source of marital advice) so definitely check out what the more informed/experienced posters advise.