Thank goodness for this website. It is great to find something that doesn't automatically advocate dumping the WS.

I've known about my H's A for about six weeks now. First month was all fighting, crying, etc (major LBing). Now I'm on the path to Plan A. I've been reading everything I can find about it and I ordered SAA.

I'm still having doubts about contacting OW's husband. According to my H this guy is physically abusive to OW. But, I would really like to know if he is aware of this A and that his W if planning to get an apartment of her own. I'm really praying for the courage and guidance to publicize it.

I'm hoping you can give me some guidance on one thing that my H is saying which really makes me mad. He says that I am selfish for wanting our marriage to work and not just letting him leave. First, I don't think that hoping to save a marriage is selfish... (hello, who is having the affair here!) Second, I cannot MAKE him stay, he could certainly run off anytime he wanted. What do you think I should say to him when he says I'm being selfish?

Thanks for all the helpful posts on this board. I've learned so much from all of you.

firefly

OW's H needs to know. When having an A there are lots of lies to justify actions. My WH and OW claimed that OW and H had an open marriage - it was a big lie. If OW is cheating with your H and their marraige is no longer an exclusive relationship, her H deserves to know for health reasons - lots of terrible diseases out there. Why are you being so considerate of OW? She sure isn't worried about you. Hang in there and keep posting. Lots of good people will help.

Good point about being considerate of OW. I'm just afraid of what this major LB will do to my Plan A work.

Is it better to tell sooner in Plan A or later when you have given them food for thought of the improvements you are making?

help.

firefly, he will be mad as a hornet when he finds out that you contacted her H, but you HAVE to do it. Put a little reality into their sordid world.

Everything your H is saying now is outright lies, the A thrives and can only exist in the dark corners of this earth, once it is in the open, reality starts to sink in.

Dont even consider the OW feelings or what her H reations might be, she sure as hell is destroying your world without a thought about yours, let her take some responcibility for her actions, God I despise these people. They are always worried about THEIR feelings, it's like you are to have no reaction to your life being torn apart and are expected to go along with what is happening and say is is OK, it is NOT.

Keep the path of plan A, remember, dont believe a thing your H says, and only half of what you see.

Keep reading on this site, you'll see the WS's have a play book they follow and you'll read things I am sure your H has told you.

Keep posting, you are in good company of people that have been there.

Good luck

DaRookie

I think when people are in these situaions because they are addicted they may not see clearly.

Oh it is selfish to want to save something you've built together. It is selfish to want to sacrifice whatever possible to be all that you can to another person who made the same vow as you because you loved each other and wanted a life together.

Oh boy I guess right sounds wrong and wrong sounds wonderful. GO figure. My H told me that he and she were friends and why should I want him to end a friendship with this person. Oh maybe because you had an A with her, I can't think of a more important reason than that. Again go figure.

All that I know as I go thorugh this situation is that there is something for me to learn in this. So my ears and heart are open though my temper tends to flare sometimes. So I hold on.

To be honest I really think that until a person can be allowed through love, patience and kindness to see the error of their ways they think irrational thoughts such as your H and mine.

Instead of trying to get what you would like in your mate, you rationalize that you can have it in someone else. And maybe it is that they don't know how to influence their mate to give them what they need. Well I wish you peace, love and the stregnth to go through and you aren't alone.

Just recently, I finally contacted the OW's H. For the past 4 months my WH tried to convince me that her H was fine with all of this (my H lives with OW - so her H all ready knew about the A) that her H loves her, but only wants her to be happy, and if she is happier with someone else, he wanted to support her.
My WH tried to convince me that I was crazy - I should be over this all ready, I needed to move on, I had no choice anyway, soI may as well find someone else. I thought I was losing my mind. After 18 years of marriage I was supposed to just move on and find someone else?
So I found her H phone number and called him. He is just as devastated as I am. Months of not eating or sleeping. Seeing a counselor twice a week plus his pastor. He said that he acts like he is ok in fron of my H and his WW, becuase he does not want them to see him hurting. But he was not ok with it. Here is the thing that really disturbs me - this revelation has made me realize that my H has stolen another mans W. I think that is the hardest thing yet. Not only did my H leave me and 2 kids - he also broke up this mans family. I am having a hard time with that.
Also-I have another question I am going to ask on another thread - how many people end up in a relationship with the other persons spouse? I'll bet its a lot.

one more thing - that crap about YOU being selfish is CRAP! It reminds me of the time my WH said "The reason why younger son is having such a hard time with this is because you won't tell him that this is all ok. If you would just tell the boys that this is ok, they would be better of"
Right......
My SIL once said this to me - "They can sh*t in your cup all they want to. That doesn't mean you have to drink it"
Don't drink it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I'm still having doubts about contacting OW's husband. According to my H this guy is physically abusive to OW. But, I would really like to know if he is aware of this A and that his W if planning to get an apartment of her own. I'm really praying for the courage and guidance to publicize it."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, if the OW's H is truly an abusive man, then their affair put her more in danger than your disclosure of it. If you disclose to him the truth about her affair with your H, and he acts against her, then HE (NOT YOU) is 100% responsible for his actions against her. But if he is like the majority of BH's, he is more likely to feel hurt and angry but not act abusive towards her. The truth will also give him a chance to reflect what his contributions to the marriage were that might have contributed to the environment where her affair became possible. Sometimes an affair can be THE wake up call to many a BS and thus their greatest chance to change themselves for the better.

As far as you being selfish, I recommend that the next time he accuses you of this, you ROTFLYAO(Roll On The Floor Laughing Your A** Off) just at the sheer hypocrisy and ludicrousness of his statement.

My final 2 cents worth - that bit about the abuse may be not be accurate. My WH said that too. I said "why is she leaving her H?" he said "he was abusive to her". I have since talked to this man, and when he ehard that he was being accused of abuse he cried. It is still possible, but hard to believe at this point. I suspected it was not true when I OW kept showing up at my sons games, w/o her own kids. Each time I would ask H "where are HER kids when she is here with mine?" and WH would just say "with their dad" If this woman was leaving her husband because of abuse, why would she leave her kids alone, many many times, with an abusive man?

We also had the abuse issue, my ws told me that was the main reason that ow left her H. The funny part is that WS was OW H's best friend for 20 years. When I confronted him that wouldn't he,ws, notice abuse he said no it was well hidden. When he began to question OW though, she changed her story to the fact that she was not sexually attracted to her H but had been "in love" with WS for the last 20 years. WS still says that OW will make a wonderful wife for someone because of the way she treated her H. Ya a woman that's been in love with another womans husband for 20, who betrayed her best friend, me, to get her "dream man". Who lost her children, etc etc.

WS will justify the relationship however they can. So I find it highly unlikely that your OW was abused as she says.

Thank you for the advice and helping me get my courage up. I contacted the H of OW just a while ago.

He was aware of his W's affair with my H. He had even confronted my H once in person and my H denied it to his face. He filed for divorce and things should be final soon (unfortunately for me). He did ask her to work on things with him but she wouldn't hear of it. He confirmed that OW is getting an apartment and should be moving there on Sunday. Apparently, my H is helping her move. I asked about the abuse issue and he said it wasn't true, she isn't the type of woman who would stand for abuse, and her family likes him a lot. He said only thing he's ever done is demand that she didn't hang out with my husband and the crowd he started running with.

Found out some interesting things about why she "picked" my H. This might be too much information, but perhaps someone has had a similar experience and can lend some insight. My H is black and OW, her H, I are white. She has a thing for black men and pursued my H when he started working with her. It is a small town and we are new so I guess she saw him as "fresh meat" that was easily available. Apparently, she got pregnant by a black man in high school and had an abortion because her parent's didn't approve. Then she met and married her H and has been with him for 10 years. Parents still aren't approving. Hmmm, maybe I should call them too?

I also think that my H, who is/was a super nice guy, started feeling sorry for her because of her "abusive" H and all along she was pursuing him because he was black. Still doesn't let H off the hook, though!

Any thoughts on this one?

My WWman said that the OW had been abused by her H also. He OW H was also having an A. But this woman seemed to have been watching him. It is almost as if she could sense a deficiency in and well she moved in on the oppurtunity and the rest is history.
The one thing I have come to understand about these situations is that it always seems better to play with fire than do the boring and hard work of trying to work on your current relatinship/marriage.
I wish you love, peace and joy in this time.