Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with my hurt that I miss out on mentioning the part I played in this.

We are engaged not married. At first I was the WW
person. Had an A. I was mean about it. Had personal issues going on. We became pregnant. I was even more mean at this point. We were to get m. I cut everything off then on top of that I was harsh.

He stayed around to help me anyway he could. Even being in another state he came to my aid whenever I called. Tried to hang in there with me and change my attittude. I wouln't bend at all.

Later I got my head on straight, saw the error of my ways but this went on for about 1 1/2 years. Though I saw it hurt him he was there for me. Shortly after this period OW came along. But he still had hopes that I would change.

Finally I did change but this thing had started and I didn't know it at the time. He wnted to be with me and her. After all she was there for him in probably everyway possible seeing as I was not there at all.

ANywho later as we grew he cut off most tings with her but has come to the point about not talking to her and he refuses to let this go.

Anyway difference is he was not mean to me when this happen. I, on the other hand haven't been as kind to him as he was to me. I have done a lot of LB. A lot has happedned between us. Can anyone relate/ suggest anything?

How about current situation ? ... what did he say lately ? did he still say that you have to move out ? is R.O w/ OW still exist ? how about w/ your S ?.

What you have is a giver snapped ... hang in tight ! you are just in the beginning of this.

-rh-

RH yes wants time apart. No protest from me. Too difficult to handle the situation as it is now.
Yes he is close to our S.

Says he loves us both but wants to be sure he wants this for the right reasons.

I addressed continuing communication w/OW very calmly and without LB. I am so proud of me. Says he is sorry he hurt me about the A with her (which he has done before) but he still wants to maintain her friendship. So I explained how that hurts me but I have to respect it. What is my next step though? How long does he want to carry on like this? How long does he want to keep this between us?

seeking info.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthiswork:
<strong> What is my next step though? How long does he want to carry on like this? How long does he want to keep this between us? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A !. Never talk/ask/LB about OW ... zippo !. Drag your feet to move out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... moving takes time right ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . The longer you stay the better as long as you avoid LB. You did good asking him and not LB. Make sure you built trust from him. How to do that ?, make sure you are accountable for your time ... no surprises. Basically he should know where you are at all time and you have to call him if you change your plan. Make excuses to call him from your destination, just to say hi or I miss you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . If you are working make sure you have your bank account open for audit from him. How about ask him to balance your check book and credit cards <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ?. Make sure you are honest with your feeling and hide nothing ... since you have nothing to hide anyway.

How long ?. As long as his anger subsided ... as long as he is in the fog ... as long a OW still contacting him. I would not contact his supervisor, he could loose his job and this is unneeded LB. I would contact OWH !. Let OWH know about this web site too.

How his A started w/ OW ?. What payoff the OW get from this A ?.

Again is your R.O includes your son ?. If it isn't you should included.

-rh-

RH first of all thak you for your input. I can't say how much this site helps me.

Secondly, I have a question. How come so much accountablity from me? Since we recommitted to this reltaionship he has been able to count on me with no reservations. So he should know where I stand. He knows I love him and that I'm not looking for anyone else. What if he feels that he has me under his finger if I tell him so much?

Thank you again.

RH I'm nt sure what does your R o mean. The A was started when I was mistreating him. Her pay off seems to be that she was in a bad situation and he did a lot to empathize with him and build him up with kind words, romance, this and that while things weren't the bset between us. Plus it gave her an escape from her situation.

REDHAT Thank you for redirecting the other threads to this topic.

R.O (restraining order). I thought you put RO on her to stay away, do you include your S ?.

He is a giver ... it is very good. You have to be rescued by him. Get him to help you and let yo depend on him and don't forget to thanks him (admiration). Could you play sick for one day ... a very bad migrane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , see how he take care of you and post back ?.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if he feels that he has me under his finger if I tell him so much?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wasn't he under worst condition when you have your A ?. Could you at least ammend him with the same love/doormat ?. You have to show your love to him ... however you have to show your hurt too. Not vent to him or LB but you have to be honest with your feeling. This is a current honesty !.

Even you do all of this you might not save your R, no gurantee ... but you have earned your way out and have no regret if you have to move on.

-rh-

RH thank you so much for your input. I am learning some things from you that I didn't know before. I realize that I need to read up on the site more. So I will get to it.
However I believe what you said rings true. I need to be hioest with him and transparent about my life and personal business. Before I wasn't honest and I was stubborn and inconsiderate. So I guess he truly does need to see another side of me. SO I will focus on these steps and look to be more understanding and tolerant. Thank you again.

Rh I forgot to mention this. I filed a police report but no R.O yet. I haven't had anymore situations with OW since the report though she has called a time or two. She works near my F and sometime recently she showed up. But he has to handle that part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthiswork:
<strong>Before I wasn't honest and I was stubborn and inconsiderate. So I guess he truly does need to see another side of me. SO I will focus on these steps and look to be more understanding and tolerant.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is plan A, you get it right. You have to show changes to H and kindda treat the contact like elephant in the room for now.

Why don't you turn the police report to R.O. to protect you & S.

Read more, specially the basic concept and move from there. Weekend is the slowest, you will get more reply.
-rh-

I highly recommend that you read Dr Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and especially 'Love Busters' because these books go into much greater detail, with case examples, than the articles on this website.

A lot of damage was done with your affair and susbsequent love busting of him. Actions speak louder than words, and nothing would speak louder to your fiance than witnessing in you a consistent pattern of change for the better. But remember that this is not going to happen overnight, and you have to be very vigilant of every word you want to express to him BEFORE it comes out of your mouth. So avoid ALL love busters if you truly want to recover your relationship with him.

Thank you redhat and TOOMuch Coffee man. Right now is hard for me because I recently found out that there may be more going on than I thought. I am a young woman and feel that maybe I should just file the R.O that redhat mentioned and move on. I am starting to see her in places where we both go. Not cool and just too conincidental for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">maybe I should just file the R.O that redhat mentioned and move on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Move on? Care to be more specific?

I was gone from my WF for a couple days. During this time I found evidence that she was around. He didn't know I knew it was there and tried to hide it. The pain in my heart is so great. When I asked him about it he tried to step all around it. I know that I couldn't stay in the situation with it being as it is. Even with me being upset and him knowing he should try to comfort me he hasn't even tried to call. I feel that maybe this is his way of breaking up with me. I say that is fine. Now I just want to get over the hurt of it which stings right now.

canthiswork,

Where is he now ?. R you still in his place ?.

-rh-

RH,
Hi there. Yes I am gone from his place. I left one time before. It seems that he becomes somewhat distant when I'm not there. In times when I feel he should be working on us I find that he doesn't seem to interested. Being that we aren't married I really don't know what to do. I found out that the things that I found may actually have to do with someone else(Can't comment on that). Even still his actions are questionable sometimes and I wonder what he wants. Does any of this sound familiar to you and can you comment? How can I overlook the elephant in the room? This is so much easier said than done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthiswork:
<strong> Does any of this sound familiar to you and can you comment? How can I overlook the elephant in the room? This is so much easier said than done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't know what he wants ... how he could have it all. He know what he did is wrong but justifying it. He has someone alright.

I tought you would stay and drag your feet and treat his A under the rug. Since you move out it is easier for him to conduct his A.

What do you want ?

-rh-

Hi Rh. How are you? Thank you for your replies they always help me. But I would like to know about you. Would you share too? (if it is ok with you)

About us: I did go back but things seemed so strained and I felt so confused that I left again.
On Monday he sent me messages telling me that he missed me and our S several times that day. He even called me cute little things. He knew I couldn't send them back to him but he countined to anyway. You were so right telling me not to mention her. When I mentioned what I found he stopped sending me messages.
What do I want: I want us to be together. But how can we in the midst of this confusion on his part. So I have thought it over. I feel that we should be apart but I would like for us to date each other again. During this time I will continue to study Dr, Harley's concepts and try not to LB. Plus there are a few things that I believe irritate him about me that I will work on.
Why do I want to do this: I realize that I haven't made as many love deposits as I needed to. With being around him too often I can't concentrate on what I'm trying to do. I realize there is a risk that he may hurt my feelings again but I would like to try anyway. I realize that it may take a while for him to change his mind also. Does this sound even sensible?