My husband told me a while back that he didn't want to contact OW's H about the A. I haven't for seven weeks. But Saturday I gave in and called him. I found out that they are divorcing and he had confronted my husband who lied to him. Also, OW's family does not want their daughter in an A, especially with a black man (my H). Her H also denied accusations of being abusive. (See my post under "My Husband Says I'm Selfish).

Well, OW got a note from her H saying he had spoken with me and now he knew for sure that she was indeed having an affair with my H. OW then called my husband. My H became furious and packed a bag to move out. He left a message saying it was over between us. I spoke with him once last night for about four minutes then he hung up on me. He never came home last night.

I had worked so hard to get the courage up to call OW's H and I am glad I did it. But this situation is a major LB. We are/were still living together and we were affectionate and interacted well when together. I was hopeful that things would work out, but I just can't get him to dump her. I think he finds her annoying at times and that is were my Plan A was helping.

Is this anger normal to contacting OW's H? I am so glad I wasn't able to get in touch with his sister and best friend that I also attempted to contact that night. I worked up so much courage to make the contact and then it backfired.

What should I do? Should I be waiting at his car when he gets off work today? I am afraid he will move the rest of the things out Tuesday while I'm at work. Help. I am so upset.

firefly

firefly - Good for you, the A is out in the open for everyone to see. Of course your H was mad, but he will get over it, they all do. This can be the beginning of the end of the A. OW will get a lot of pressure from her H, her family, etc. Don't go see H after work - just go on with your life (hard to do, but necessary). When H shows up continue Plan A and be very calm. Tell him that the A is harming your marriage and thought that OW's H deserved the truth. It will be very hard on you for awhile, but you are doing the best thing to save your marriage. Hang in there.

firefly - you did the right thing. Your H's reaction is normal and expected. You've exposed the A.

Do not be afraid of your H moving his stuff out. IMO, I would not wait by his car for him. Let him cool down and come home to you. You can still continue Plan A.

If H doesn't come home right away and spends time with OW, that will just speed up the process of the A ending. Imagine OW now...her H is divorcing her, family does not like the fact of her A or seeing your H, pressure must be terrible...she's probably turning into a needy, whiny, nagging person that will look pretty unattractive to your H.

Hang in there. Your M can still work out. It's not too late.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Take care.

sss

I second beleiver's comments. Her BH needed to know whether your WH ended all contact with the OW or not. Maybe now, they can start to rebuild their marriage. What your WH was truly angry was that you took away his cake by telling the truth about the affair to her BH. Keep in mind that part of Plan A IS exposure to the OP's spouse or SO(significant other) no matter if the affair has ended or not. You did good.

Firefly,

I am exactly in your position. I finally got the courage to call the OW's H myself on Saturday when my H decided to move out. All we did was share our side of the story and it was amazing how different they were.

The next day, my husband came to the house enraged!!!!! I thought I was going to have to call the police. I actually closed up the entire house and set my house alarm in case he came back.

Within an hour I received a call from the OW and we chatted. Seemed my H wasn't being exactly truthful with her, see we are in counseling and she was unaware. That made a difference. I told her that I knew I could make my marriage work if she would get out of his life for good. She agreed and actually called him up and called him about not telling her about being in counseling.

About an hour later than that, my much more calm, husband called and wanted to meet the next day to have a "sensible conversation without him screaming at me". I agreed and set up a public meeting.

Today he called me at work, crying. My H never cries. He told me that he has hurt me too much and I shouldn't be able to forgive him, that he's bad and he would have continued to see her if I had not made that phone call.

I told him that I could forgive, that he wasn't bad and he was worth everything we had gone through. We're going to meet later, hopefully with our MC together and him separately, but I can totally relate to the anger. I thought yesterday that my H was going to file for DV today, but rather I see where he may be able to see that he's made some bad choices and things can be fixed. He's really down on himself, so I just try to uplift him and let him know he's not worthless. . . . .

I'm glad I called the OW's H, but it was scary. Let your H come to you when he's ready, I think he may be more willing at that point, at leas that's what I'm experiencing with mine.

Hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the messages. I really do hope this is the beginning of the end. The pain right now is unbearable.

I read everyone's messages about six times and I still went to see him after work. I just couldn't help myself. He would only talk with me for five minutes. He accuses me of BETRAYING HIS TRUST because he asked me not to contact OW's H. I am mad and sad that he feels this way. He came home for an hour this evening at my request to talk some more. He is referring to the house as "yours" rather than "ours", he knocked on the front door, and even asked to use the bathroom. It is like I threw him out or he is trying to distance himself from our life together. He tells me that he can't even think of me as a friend right now and has no feelings for me. He says that he wants out of all of this, but he doesn't know how to do it. I think that is a good thing, but the way he is feeling toward me right now, I am doubtful he wants me.

I am trying to Plan A as best as possible. I told him this was our home and he is always welcome. I told him that I loved him and asked if there was anything he needed. He is annoyed by my crying so that is a major LB - I suppose...I think it is because it makes him feel guilty.

I hate being alone in our home. I just want this to all be over. Wouldn't we all rather be spending our time doing something else instead of dealing with an affair!

firefly

You betraying your trust? This is FOG TALK. Do a MB search on fog talk and start boning up. You're going to hear a lot of it.

firefly - You need to get immediately busy, girl -walking, exercising, church, support groups, cleaning house, yard, organizing, detailing car, going out with friends, etc. The more you try to reason with H, the worse it will be for you and marriage. He is deeply in fog and will only say hurtful things to you. Do Plan A, but try to get emotionally detached and work on you. As you take action to do other things, it will be easier to get through each day, and will give you some satisfaction. Make yourself do it.

I wish you the best. Hope everything works out.