i've been posting on the divorcing forums, but since i am really trying the plan a/plan b, i need help.

the h told me a couple of months ago that we would be better off if we were divorced. (it was a slip on his part but put me in a lb mood since it was right after a relative's funeral) we talked some after this but i admit there was too many lb comments from my side. i was out of state and tried to start working on the relationship from there, but that couldn't work. i realized h was becoming more serious about a dv and i decided that if i wanted our marriage to work i needed to come home and concentrate on being there for his en's. (i also found strange phone numbers and all his actions seem to point towards an A) we have been through one of his affairs before and he is acting the exact same way. (hanging out w/the guys all the time, whereabouts unknown most the time, criticizing me in my whereabouts)

i have been back in our marital home for almost a month. when i first arrived back here the h was livid! he refused to live here w/me, wanted me out, blamed me for everything that has ever happened between us. i worked solely on plan A. (i haven't found out who the ow is, but it is obvious w/him that there must be someone) after 3 weeks of taking the blame and accusations and his following up on where i was, i decided i had had enough and jumped to plan B. (i really wanted to work on plan A longer but he was not allowing me to fill the en's that i can. Attention, conversation, companionship, recreation, SF, are all being turned down in lb'ing ways from him) i was in fear of losing my love for h w/all this and asked him to move out w/no contact. i even told h that i still wanted to work on our relationship but could not get everything in my life changed (and i am making some positive changes) while concentrating on his needs and getting rejected over and over. we discussed this for a while w/no real commitment on his part to move out. some of my hurt from all this did send out some lb's at the end but i tried not to let it get out of control.

so this brings up the problem i have now. the day after i asked him to move out, i went about my life as if he didn't exist. nothing much was said about it, but then on the following day, h is acting like a different person. this has been going on for 5 days now. he is making time for me, and apologizing for any bad behavior on his part. (as it occurs, nothing is mentioned about the past few weeks) h went out and bought himself a car, which we had talked about getting one, but then i offered to go buy the radio he needed for it (since he hates to go shopping) but he decided to come along. h also buys a new cd and he has never done this before while i have been with him and that has been for over 10 years. when we got in from the store, he came up to me and thanked me for going w/him. (this person is not acting like my h!) he had a headache yesterday and kept apologizing for it, and then he woke me up this morning before he left for work and apologized again for being in a bad mood over the headache.

one of the new things h has been doing since this possible A started is leaving much earlier for work. he did this again this morning. but i got the hug and apology before he left. this is so weird. he may know that i talked to my attorney last week (but i only talked about my rights in the dv and didn't start any proceedings) but if h thought i was going through w/div or a legal separation, why the he** is he being so nice to me? he took an interest in everything i did over the past few days (watched tv w/me, helped w/halloween stuff) and h is always taking a nap at one point during the day. he has not done this in the past 5 days either.

i apologize for this being so long but i am really confused. this guy is better than the one i married. neither one of us has brought up any relationship talk, i want to hold out for now as i kind of feel like this is the calm before the storm. i really wanted to go into plan B as i feel there was something going on and i have no idea if it ended or not, and i was letting my love bank get depleted being w/h. now, i don't really know what to do. do i go back to the plan A and possibly face rejection again? or do i push for a plan B still?

You should be in Plan A. Continue going on with your life and making changes in you. Stay on MB track. Sounds like you are doing just fine.

I did start back into plan A slowly yesterday, and will continue w/baby steps.

I was having a very hard time with all this last week. Depression, guilt, anger all set in, I was almost at rock bottom. I really want to continue with plan A, but i don't want to get that low again. The rejection everytime I tried to fulfill one of his en's was overwhelming me.

another question. should i try and expose the A? i have brought up the phone calls which h denied knowing anyone and when i said i would call them, he shut up. should i ask details on where he is going all the time or just let it go for now? his excuse for leaving early for work was to have time to drive around and think. (he generally leaves at 4am and now leaves before 3am - this just seems a little hard to believe)

help! i really believe an A is still going on. h is still being pleasant, but keeps running off at the same times w/o a definitive answer on where he is going.

today, h took a partial day off work to burn up some of his vacation time. he did the same last thursday but did not tell me ahead of time. he knew that i would be home so he told me his plan to take today off. last thursday and today he ends up leaving in the afternoon with an excuse that he has to drive his car around to check how it is running. this is at the exact same time, so it sure looks like he has plans to be somewhere. the A really makes me think that it is work related as he doen't make any plans to go anywhere over the weekend until late on Sunday nights and then is off early to work and late home every day during the week. Especially late on Fridays.

I don't know if I could really catch up with him when he leaves to find out where he is going but how do i dig up more information? Should i just confront him on his whereabouts now? Things are calm on the surface of our relationship, but i know that nothing is going to work out if he continues seeing someone. The plan B option isn't working as he seems to be refusing to move out. What do i do at this point?

uofmfan -

I'm no expert here but I agree with Believer that you should be in Plan A.

How one can not know for certain an A is in progress can be easily solved by a trip to radio shack for a home phone recorder and a voice activated pocket tape recorder to hide in his car.
(not an original idea of mine but discovered here)

I believe it is an absolute must that you discover if there is an A for sure and with whom.

Then you can deal with the facts. Read all posts here.

Good luck.

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: want2shine ]</small>

VAR activates with car radio. Have different models/prices some digital with long record times

This is for conversations (usually on cell phones)
that they do in the car and they will turn the radio off for those.

DD

thanks for the answers, i will look into getting one of those this week. (can the sound of the VAR be heard by who's near it?)

it may be hard to hide as this car is new to him, he won't let it out of his sight and may be hard to find a hiding place that he can't find. i checked his cell phone and one of the strange numbers is on there as of last weekend, so he probably is calling from his car. i am also meeting w/someone tomorrow that may be available to follow him and this is someone h wouldn't know.

i do need to get more facts on an A going on but in some ways this seems dishonest and sneaky and i feel kind of childish.

i am worried over the plan a working as we have been through this before, (caught h in an A while we were separated 5 years ago) and he knows some of this stuff. H has already said that it won't work this time. we never went to plan b the last time.

well, i am off to check out radio shack online!