I had my B letter ready to hand to him in 2 days and he has stolen my thunder!

Brief recap: WAH has returned to acting like a major creep the last two weeks. All has to do with our D seeing him and OW in the car. He has a pattern of withdrawing when he's been "caught" and getting angry. Guilt, I think, not that he would admit it.

Then D got sick 2 days ago and wanted her daddy. She called and called, couldn't get him, left messages, was very upset, and finally asked me to call and leave a message at the OWs house. I shouldn't have done so, but finally left a short and cordial message on OW's machine because our D was in tears (103 fever didn't help!) over WAH not returning her calls. I couldn't believe he wouldn't call her back either--started to think he could be sick, too.

THEN got a cold and angry e-mail from him today saying he would like me to limit contact with him as he fears it gives D hope for the marriage. He STILL hasn't called D and blamed me since I don't have an answering machine (he knows he can leave a message anytime on my cell phone!)And we've been home so he could have called anytime. But it's my fault.

I am too angry to respond to him right now. I'm disgusted with his lack of responsibility and furious that he is taking out his anger at me and the world on our D. D actually asked me if daddy loves the OW more than her. Who can blame her for wondering.

This is all such a change from a month ago when he and OW were temporarily on the outs and he was beginning to seem like the man I married again. We had dinner a couple of times with D and he was talking freely, looking me in the eye, etc.

I am close to losing all respect for him. And I'm so angry that I don't want to see him at all. He still hasn't talked to our D who is now pretending she doesn't care.

But what do I do with MY plan B letter? If I send it now he'll think it's a response to his e-mail. How do I respond to him? What I'd like to do is tell him and OW just what kind of man I think he's become. Help, please!

Gosh I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Is sounds as if your H is losing even sensitivity to your D because perhaps he is upset with you or not accepting his guilt for his actions or just down right selfish right now. It sounds as if your has already withdrawn. MAybe after you have had the chance to allow the dust to settle a bit you can then give him the Plan B letter. I wish you the best.

Thanks, yes he is very withdrawn again. That's generally how he copes when he'd rather not deal with anything.

Suddenly occurred to me that this comment about contact between WAH and me giving our D false hope sounds like something this OW would come up with. I know she did not appreciate our D and me attending an event recently to watch WAH play a sport. She may know about the dinners, too. She's been through a D, too, and is generally full of helpful albeit self-serving advice! I can usually tell when it's her words in his mouth and this has that ring to it.

I'm thinking I will respond and tell him that I agree with him but would like to take it a step further and present my plan. Too angry to do it right now, though, I'm likely to end up screaming at him even through an e-mail.

jazmom,

Don't "answer" back anything he said in the email but email him plan B letter instead. Just copied the one from SAA it would be fine. Short and to the point. OW is demanding a lot of stuff and he bow down to it, let her LB not you. Protect yourself and protect your D. Get the plan B logistic in place to have NC.

-rh-

He STILL hasn't telephoned our D. Not sure if I can ever understand or forgive that.

But Plan B is in action.It's done, I sent it. I feel relieved and heartbroken and terrified but know this is the right thing for me.

If he responds at all, I'm expecting only anger and accusations. If so, he'll have to leave a message because I'm not picking up the phone.

Well, it's Plan B week two! I wish I could say WAH has been trying to contact me but he hasn't except for one morning when our D woke up sick at his house and had to go to the doctor. She phoned me as he coached in the background. I had to phone back to see if he could keep her after the doc appt while I went to work. He couldn't, I thanked him and hung up but think I cut him off which probably wasn't very nice.

Also had one e-mail regarding an insurance question. I did answer with the facts, nothing superfluous. Should I ignore him and not answer at all?

I think Plan B is suiting him just fine. I've flung him into OWs arms. He's more confortable when he doesn't have to look at me.

I'm not faltering, though--just wondering, worrying, battling anxiety, etc. I do feel a bit better and proud of myself for taking a stand but I'm also angrier than I have been in a while and just so durn disgusted with him. I won't do it but have the urge to push him to just go ahead and finalize the D and be done with it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jazmom:
<strong>Also had one e-mail regarding an insurance question. I did answer with the facts, nothing superfluous. Should I ignore him and not answer at all?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it is legit question and he needs the info, reply. Butt if he could get the info somewhere else ... ignore it.

Hang in there ... this is plan B effect on BS. You get prep. to get ready moving on.

-rh-

<small>[ November 17, 2003, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Jazmom, can very much relate to your story, it's almost a duplicate of mine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H too totally withdraws when he is *caught out* in something and he has also been acting like a mega creep this past three weeks since I found out he had plans to marry OW which means a divorce for us. I don't think he was very amused that I have become aware of his plans. Guilt or anger, could be a mixture of both I guess.

Before I found this info out, he was never off the phone too me, he was dropping by the home unannounced, was still promising me this and that...blah, blah, blah.......then nothing at all!!!

Two weeks ago I sent PlanB letter, but it seems he had just ahead of me stole my thunder also. We have neither heard from him, recieved a telephone call, he has even stopped visitation to our daughter and I'm now recieving no child support either!! What jerks they are!!

Know how you are feeling and what you are going through anyway!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We have neither heard from him, recieved a telephone call, he has even stopped visitation to our daughter and I'm now recieving no child support either!! What jerks they are!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excuse the rant but isn't that the truth! Taking out their anger on the children is the lowest of the low. WAH is seeing our child but has not apologized or even mentioned his earlier silence. She, of course, will not talk to him about anything touchy. His loss. How do you explain this to your children?

I did have one slight development this morning: message from WAH that he was getting a ck to me this week that is more than he technically owes me. More! And without my asking! Don't know what that means but I'll take it.

Not sure how we should explain things to our kids. I know that I havn't a clue what to say to my eight year old daughter in regard to her fathers sudden and total disappearance from her life. So I just say nothing. Our daughter mentions him now and again, so I know she misses him. I would never have thought that the creep would ever stoop this low, low enough to seemly cut his daughter off out of his life. How can one be so cruel, she's his only child too!!

I think that what peed my H off also, was that in our last phone call I'd told him that he takes our daughter to OW's home no more ~ I'd been ENABLING his affair like you wouldn't believe and I knew it was time to stop enabling, to stop him *cake eating*. He'd seemed ok when I'd said this and told me that he would have to fit visitation in around his schedule because he was working a lot these days. After a last attempt to get me to cave and still allow him to take our D to OW's, I'd remained adamant and said, NO!! Told him that for eight months he has rubbed his sordid affair in mine and our daughters faces and it was something I wasn't going to tolerate anymore. No sign of him since.....

I'd be happy if he paid child support once a week and if he would spend time once/twice a week with our daughter alone. Seemly not good enough for him, he wants everything his own way ~ like having his skank around our daughter.

Good to hear your H is still seeing your child and that he at least pays child support. I guess that when we see that our WS's are doing the right thing by our kids, then half of the pain of what they did to us is taken away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that what peed my H off also, was that in our last phone call I'd told him that he takes our daughter to OW's home no more ~ I'd been ENABLING his affair like you wouldn't believe and I knew it was time to stop enablin </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been down this road! First thing I said to him when I found out about OW (after picking myself up off the floor) was don't let our D know. He agreed but we had different ideas of what that meant: he took D over there, telling her they were "just friends" a few times. Smart child put it together, of course.

Then I got a restraining order prohibiting contact between OW and our D. He hit the roof! He said crazy things like if D couldn't see OW, then he wouldn't see D. I dropped the order and the contact resumed. I told myself I was being mature about the whole thing. Then D started having problems in school, acting out after seeing him, etc. Finally in June 03 (he left 9-02), I said enough and, for the first time, stood up to him and said no more contact. I was nice about it--said I'd made a mistake in allowing the contact but in light of D's issues, I had to take a stand. He disappeared briefly, complaining mightily about my "demands," but I was firm this time. For some reason, he finally agreed and has complied since then.

This is a bottom line issue for me, marriage building or not. In my opinion, he was using our D to condone his A. She adores her dad and cannot tell him it made her uncomfortable or express her feelings about the whole mess. She saves that for me! It's not pretty but I'm glad she is at least talking about her feelings. I hope she can talk honestly to her dad someday because I think that's the way to forgiveness. He doesn't want to hear it, of course, would rather believe everything is just hunky dory with her. In the long run, it's his loss.

Anyway, I felt like I was enabling, too, so have now gone to plan B. I don't like it but I am feeling stonger and proud of myself.

Can't believe how sooo much your H is like mine and how so much our sitchs are alike.

I got the "If I can't take her to OW's, then I don't want to see our daughter", but I'd also got "If I can't take her to OW's, you get NO child support", way back when he first left too, hence why I allowed him to take our D there in the first place. Of course I was never happy with this, would always express my concern that all of this may be emotionally damaging our D and so have tried to prevent him on a number of occasions from taking here there ~ but he would phone and sweet talk me and I would always lose my resolve and allow it to continue. But now it's over and I think he knows it. He will know that now I am aware he plans on marrying OW and divorcing me, he won't be able to break my stance anymore so easily....so he is playing very cruel games instead. In witholding child support/not seeing our D, he will expect me to go begging to him ~ well he will be waiting forever for that to happen.

Our daughter also won't tell her feelings to dad. She was afraid that he'd stop seeing her if she did say anything and if she expressed a dislike of going to OW's. I reckon he probably used our D to condone his affair also. At the same time, both you and I in allowing our children to go to OW's, were acknowledging and more or less giving our approval of their sleaze ourselves, plus we were validating the OW's existence.

Jazmom, do you have a thread that explains all of your situation, from D~Day to present moment? Would like to read it all if you have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Our daughter also won't tell her feelings to dad. She was afraid that he'd stop seeing her if she did say anything and if she expressed a dislike of going to OW's. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My therapist says this is very common--after all, this can feel like abandonment to the children, too, no matter how many times we tell them it's not their fault. And my WAH was emotionally distant to our D for a couple of months before leaving and then afterwards he was very haphazard about seeing her for some time. How can she trust him? She says he lied to her about OW. He STILL lets her down. He doesn't see it because she puts on her smile-on-a-stick with him and they have a great ole time. Everything is happy, happy, fun, fun, without any real emotional risk on either of their parts. I've given up trying to discuss any problems or issues about daughter with him because he says it's my fault. I encourage our D to talk to him and I try to say all the "right" things but so far she won't go there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I reckon he probably used our D to condone his affair also. At the same time, both you and I in allowing our children to go to OW's, were acknowledging and more or less giving our approval of their sleaze ourselves, plus we were validating the OW's existence. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, yeah, I did that under the guise of trying to get along with him and not being a total b$#@*. But the first time when I got the order, I was SO angry, so crazed about it all that that's all he could see. The second time when I said no contact, no way, I was calm and more detached which helped me and boostered my position.

What I don't get is how can your WAH withhold child support? In this state, support and visitation are seperate issues. The payor has to pay even if the payee is withholding contact. By the same token, the payee can't stop visitation on the grounds of receiving no support. Of course, you have to have a support order in place. We have a temp one until the final D order. What about you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jazmom, do you have a thread that explains all of your situation, from D~Day to present moment? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not really, just started posting in a month or so ago though I've been lurking for a long time. I hung out on divorcebusting.com more for a while but haven't posted much anywhere just cause I've been so worn out this year! I can read, can't always write and then not sure if I'll feel like answering! But lately I seem to have hit a new place where I need this more.

Here's the sitch in a (long) nutshell bit I wrote earlier:
Married 13 years, daughter, age 10, WAH and I are mid-40s. Though he seems to have forgotten it, we have truly had a real love relationship. We were the couple who everyone thought had the “magic” and would never break up. Just survived a couple of extremely stressful years (major financial crisis and move to another state)—well, I thought we’d survived, but apparently not.

We’d had a good fall, but in Dec 2001, H started acting distant, depressed, withdrawn — the old slunk-away-to-the-garage routine. Two friends of his friends died during this time, H started talking about “how much time he had left.” Classic MLC symptoms. I “chased,” he withdrew, and by summer he made only haphazard efforts to be with us. I tried to “give him room.”

In August 02, H suddenly (to me!) said he wanted a divorce. I was devastated, didn’t react much initially, but did do some crying and begging. H moved out three weeks later, I bought DB & other books and got to work on myself. My PMA was non-existent but I was able to put on a show for him about half the time and was beginning to see some results! He was clearly conflicted about his decision and said so, but thought it was “the only way.”

Then I found out there was an OW! I lost the last remnants of my fake PMA: confronted OW (another story), screamed at him, took some photos of his car at her house, all the usual you can imagine. To make it all worse, this is a VERY small community—no secrets and everyone knows the sordid details or soon will!

Where's your thread? I feel some comfort when I hear similar stories. Early on I felt so crazy, so destroyed, and couldn't imagine that anyone else had ever lived through this or had a H who turned into a pitiful, lying, defensive, selfish creep who was willing to sacrifice any and every thing and who had the insight of a slug. I felt so ashamed, didn't even want to go out of the house. I've also had many times when I genuinely feel sorry for him--I know he's hurting and it's worse for him cause he doesn't know why and is too afraid to explore his feelings. So he keeps "doing" the OW dance which is the balm he uses to fog his glasses. In his rare human moments he says he doesn't love her but I'm sure she doesn't have a clue!

Oh, gee, I'm worn out now! Guess I needed to get some anger released to face another day!

It is amazing, isn't it, how similar some WAHs behave? It's like a pre-programmed chip went off inside and they begin spouting the same lines and pointing their fingers at everyone and everything but themselves! I blamed myself for so long but I have apologized for my part which is all I can do. He can hear me or not.

Oh, yeah, I did that under the guise of trying to get along with him and not being a total b$#@*. But the first time when I got the order, I was SO angry, so crazed about it all that that's all he could see.

I guess they choose to remember and recall the negative things about us rather than the positive, for they can then feel more justified in what they did and continue to do. The difference between us and their OW's, is the OW does not yet bear any negatives in our WS's eyes, undoutedly in the future though, when OW grows as familiar to our WS's as we are, she eventually will bear negatives. She will eventually become an old toy too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Like you I also opted for PlanA (with a mixture of DB techniques), so as not to push him away. It worked and we did remain friends. However while in PlanA, I felt that I was making things all to easy for H. I was easing his guilty conscience in being his friend, making it easier for him to continue in this affair with OW. By being his friend I felt that I was no more than giving my approval of their affair ~ I secretly loathed having to PlanA....LOL!! However while in PlanA, my H too seemed confused, conflicted in his choices ~ he did waver a lot between I and OW in the first five months he was away. The past three months however, it seems he's made his final choice ~ the OW. Although strangely enough and a while ago, he told me that he loves me more than OW as well.....??? I honestly think that they fill our heads with BS!!!

What I don't get is how can your WAH withhold child support?

He can withold child support because there are no court orders that state he should pay child support. Not yet anyway!! He has witheld child support for a month and his actions now leave me no choice but to go about things legally.

Thanks for the brief outline of your sitch anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Soon as I read this thread I recognised my H/my sitch in it immediately and I was pleased because I'd also thought my H and sitch were unique to others I was hearing and reading about and I've never come across anybody else until now whose WS is so greatly like mine!! Seems both mine and yours definitely do have the same WS programmed chip implant....LOL

My Thread is here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=025439

I used to post in PlanA/B, but then switched over to General Questions 2 because there seems to be more feedback in that forum.

My thread starts the day I found out H was planning on marrying OW and shortly before all contact between he and I ceased. The day I was pondering on whether to go straight to PlanB after months of PlanA'ing, which I feel I did now for far too long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

[QUOTE] The day I was pondering on whether to go straight to PlanB after months of PlanA'ing, which I feel I did now for far too long /QUOTE]

I waited much too long as well. I was a coward. Still am about so much of this. Sometimes I want a D as soon as possible and the next hour I wonder how I will survive when/if it happens.

Daughter and I were at the grocery this afternoon and in walks WAH, first time I've seen him in a couple of weeks. He bounded over like everything was fine and I just wanted to run the other way. Almost panicked, thinking how do I plan B here!

He said hello, we had a few brief exchanges. I wasn't friendly much less gushy. He STILL hasn't given me the check promised earlier in the week and I mentioned I was buying groceries with $ that wasn't in the bank. He said he would bring one by tomorrow. I said leave it in the mailbox. He looked good--I could tell he'd been out in the sun today, probably playing ball--and that irritated me. Everything about him irritates me lately!

Do you post on DB? I couldn't find yr name there. I'm going to yr thread and will write more later. I picked up a few words in yr posts that made me think you are English. My WAH is from England though we're in the states now.

Seems the Englishmen have a problem in paying money......LOL. I know I'm lol'ing, but it's no laughing matter is it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jazimom, I'm interested to know how you met an Englishman with you being American. Was he on holiday over there, were you on holiday in England, or were one of you perhaps working in either country? And also, which part of England is he from?

Your H looks good huh? Probably enjoys and has been having games of football if he's anything like the typical English bloke. It's all they basically think about, football and booze, at least the Northern Englishmen do anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H doesn't look good....LOL. He seems to have lost a lot of weight, (he needed to gain it more than lose it) and I dunno, he always looks kinda like a *little boy lost*, has a sad expression, looks remorseful (yet his continued actions prove he is not remorseful) - perhaps he's just a good actor and puts on this act when in my presence. Whatever it works because I end up feeling sorry for him, sometimes feel like giving him a big hug to cheer him up. Crazy or what?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Seems the Englishmen have a problem in paying money......LOL. I know I'm lol'ing, but it's no laughing matter is it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A nightmare is what it is! When WAH first left, he threatened to just pack up and go back to England if I pushed the money issue. He hasn't said that lately, I think because he realizes it was truly a nasty thing to say. He doesn't want to look bad in case anything like that gets back to OW or others--AS IF his actions don't look bad enough as it is! I'm sure OW has to work hard to twist his behavior and treatment of me and D into something that's okay. I guess we're all guilty of seeing what we want to see at times, but I hope I will never be as stupid as this OW has been.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your H looks good huh? Probably enjoys and has been having games of football if he's anything like the typical English bloke. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hate it but he did look good the other day. Mostly, he looks beaten, frowns all the time, has a negative attitude, can't look me in the eye. He's a rugby player, not football or soccer as we call it, and maybe his team had won a game. I always liked him in those little rugby shorts though I could chop his legs off now. OR give him a hug, as you say. It is crazy, I am crazy. Everyone thinks I should be over this by now.

I will tell you how we met shortly. Have to get a glass of wine and the tissues ready first!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will tell you how we met shortly. Have to get a glass of wine and the tissues ready first! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, wine is at hand! The short version is we met at a wedding. The long version is below (boredom alert) which I'm posting for myself. I need to tell the story one more time.

He lived in the UK, I lived in Georgia. A friend of mine was marrying a friend of his in Alabama. Neither were great friends of either of us but. . . WAH decided to attend as he was in the states on business. I went reluctantly at the urging of a girlfriend who said, hey, it's a road trip, good food, and the guarantee of single guys. I was newly divorced, dating someone but not seriously, and grieving my two-year old's death a year earlier. He was dating casually after a breakup two yrs earlier.

So there we were at the rehearsal dinner, standing by the shrimp bowl. He got me a drink from the bar, told me he lived in England. I couldn't think of a thing to say & finally came up with a lame "What do you think about Margaret Thatcher?"

Dinner began, I was seated next to a guy in a light blue leisure suit and kept looking longingly at the English guy who was now sitting with a very attractive, very young woman and chatting her up. Who was she? As we later departed to the hotel bar, the bride whispered that he had asked about me. I asked her about his attractive friend. That, she repied, is his 19-yr-old daughter!

The rest of the wedding party was whooping it up and singing rugby songs. I sat down, he wondered over and sat beside me. We talked. And talked some more. I told him about my son's death. He listened, really listened, a rarity for me. Now talking about grief is usually a sure-fire way to scare off a single guy. But he listened. Really listened.

At the reception the next day, we chatted a bit more and he walked my girlfriend and I to the car when we left. He took my phone number. As we drove away, I said something to gf about being sure I'd never hear from him again.

The next morning he called and left a message on my phone. Called again later and said he was going to be in Atlanta on business in a few days and asked me to dinner. Sure, I said.

He arrived, checked into hotel, and we had a great dinner. That's all. A really great dinner with a chaste kiss at the end. Chaste but oh so promising. He flew to Miami on biz, mailing me a sweet card before boarding the plane, and called again a couple of times before leaving for England.

We wrote letters for the next month and a half. That is, I wrote pages, while he phoned and sent poetic notes. I still have every one of them.

Then he decided to come for a week's visit. I couldn't wait but had a fit wondering if I should let him stay in my apt on the couch. I didn't want him to expect more than I was ready for.

I met him at the airport. We fell in love within a day, I swear. One evening he was cooking dinner as I sat on the floor watching. He sat down beside me, we kissed, I became a little teary eyed and said, ya know, I don't want a long distance romance, I want to marry you. And that was it. My family thought I was nuts until they met him.

By the end of the week, we had rings and promises and were planning my move to England. Within three months, my stuff was packed and on the slow boat to the UK.

We went to Gretna Green to get married but turned out we didn't have all the papers we needed, so had the honeymoon first. We drove along the Scottish coastline, stayed at a castle and wonderful little inns along the way. We actually got married in a registry office in Sussex.

Now, as one of us is English and the other American, we soon got the "how did you meet" question. That first time, H answered with a story he'd repeat many times over the years, and referred to our first Atlanta date as the most "expensive one he ever had." What I didn't know until then is that there was no business meeting in Atlanta that first date: He'd been scheduled to fly out of Miami back to London but changed his ticket which cost plenty, flew to Georgia for a day and a half to take me to dinner, took a cab from the airport, got a hotel room. . .and the rest is history.

Since then H told this story many times always with the same twist: the "most expensive date" that led to the "1000 miles over broken glass" to get me shipped across the ocean and us married.

We used to laugh that we couldn't let our daughter know how soon we'd gotten married after meeting in case she wanted to do the same! But, I swear, I have never been so sure of a decision in my life. It sounds stupidly romantic and pitiful now but I am still just as sure that we were meant to be and that our marriage was a gift. I would have sworn we were the couple who would never have to face divorce.

I loved him then and I love him today but. . .the story is coming to a sad end. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> (shedding tears as I type.)

If you've read this far, well, bless you. Guess I just needed to write it out for posterity.

Wow reading both your stories sounds just like mine. I have been with my h for 18yrs married for nearly 10. 2 children aged 6 and 10. H admitted to A which started 9 wks ago, he moved out 6 wks ago after i told him to go. For the previous 3 wks he too was very mean, cruel and withdrawn, I really don't understand how someone who claims to love you so much can turn and become so nasty. My 6yr old S is happy to continue to see his D and also has met OW even her mum and dad. I have now composed an email to send asking him reduce this contact between OW and children.(Difficult as he lives with her) 10 yr old D sounds just like your D's she also has refused to see him and does not condone what h has done. She has not seen H for nearly 4 wks now although she has spoken to him on the phone. It is so hard to see your children go through so much pain and for us to try to do the right thing for them and try to say the right things so they don't feel guilt. I have been in Plan B for about 7 weeks now and yes it does seem that H does not care and does not attempt to make any contact but I guess this has helped the healing process and for me to take charge of my life. I can't wait for day when I don't go to sleep thinking about H and OW and wake up still thinking of H and OW. My anger has been surpressed a lot and I guess I am starting to feel pity for both of us. That he didn't have faith in our relationship, in us and couldn't be the man I wanted him to be, to be honest and faithfull. It is a shame that we are not living close and it would be great to meet up and have a slagging off session with a bottle of wine etc. Thank god for this site which enables us to let off steam. God bless both of you and I am sure that there is light at the end of the tunnel and we will emerge much stronger women for ourselves and our children.

"What do you think about Margaret Thatcher".........

Blimey, what a chat up line.....LOL.

Awwww, wonderful story of how you both first met Jazmom, thanks for sharing! A whirlwind romance too. Shame that things have to end in terrible ways when they had such great beginnings. How can people be happy and so in love one minute, then the next one of them claims not to be happy/in love anymore? I just don't believe that a WS can switch off their feelings for their spouse in an instant, they are just so blinded by their lust for the OP that they think they have fallen out of love with the spouse. JMO anyway.

Is his OW an American, or is it someone he met back in England, an Englishwoman?

Mine was a whirlwind romance too. I met H during a night out with a friend of mine. This particular night I met him, I hadn't even been going to go out but had changed my mind about doing so at the last minute. Pity I hadn't of stayed in instead, LOL!! After three weeks he'd moved in with me, after six weeks together we were engaged to be married, six months later we were married, two months later I was expecting D8!!!! It all happened pretty quick.

Weird thing is though, he seems to have repeated this same pattern with OW!!! He'd known her only three weeks when he left me, he shacked up with this woman he'd only known three weeks instantly after leaving me!! Within two months they were engaged to be married (even though both are still married....LOL) I heard from D8 that they do plan on marrying eventually, although when I confronted H, he claimed there was nothing definite. Still hurts to know that they have talked marriage though and that anyday now I may be recieving divorce papers through the door. I'm also expecting that the OW will have his child, his second one eventually, even though she's nearly 35. She will try all ways to keep a hold of him, to dig her claws even deeper into him, as most OW's do!! Trouble with the OW's is, all of them must hold a real fear that our H's will return to us, so I guess they try all ways and will do whatever it takes to try and keep a hold of our H's.

How are things at your end anyway? Are you still in PlanB and bearing up?