I've been LBing for the past four days. At first I couldn't believe WS was going NC, but I guess I got my hopes up. He started talking to her again a week ago. I could feel something was up, so our relationship was strained. Our daughter was sick on Monday, so I stayed home. He offered to stay, too, but I was numb or something. He started with the "you never talk to me, I feel so alone" ca-ca and that was the beginning of the LB marathon.

He ended up talking to her on Monday and met her for lunch on Tuesday. I mentioned separating that night. Last night, I sat him down and asked him what his plans were for leaving. He has no plans, so if anything happens, I'd probably have to leave. He still wants his stupid week off for 'reassessing' things and at this point, I know he will end up with her. I just can't take this anymore. I told him if he takes the week off, he will decide whether to stop talking to her forever or he is leaving.

I know this is no way to start Plan B, but I'm at the end of my rope. I wonder if the problem was that I didn't get on MB for most of the week. You guys seem to get me back on track. I'm just worried I LB'ed too much to do any good in going back to Plan A. And for how long do I put up with cakeman? I'm not looking forward to these holidays at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Having recently gone through my own experience it seems the most hurtful thing I have experienced in my life. I feel for you as you are going through it too. Though, I am not a counselor, I will offer what I have learned.

#1, Though it pains you, realize that your WS has decided to and is more than likely intent on continuing to see the OW. No matter how you want it to change unless there is a change in his mind about it he will do it. I mean this in all gentleness if you can get past this it will benefit you. If you focus on their contact it may cause you to be tense and upset. Which may cause you to lose energy on reaching your goal.

#2, You can not control the WH and OW. You can only control yourself. So you want to understand that you are doing what you are doing because
you have chosen to try to save the marriage. It is not about the wrong he and she are doing. It is about what you hope to gain
out of it (your husband committed to you, your family whole, etc).

#3 Read Dr Harley's concepts on Infidelity, Plan A & B, LB , the Love Bank, Love Deposit and carefully until you know that you understand them well.

#4, LB hinder your efforts. Again in all genteleness, it will benefit you to stop it. Think about this when you are about to do
it again. Early on in my dealing with my situation I missed this because I was caught up him being wrong and I wanted him to make it right like right now.
I had to get past that and focus on the importance of not doing it.

#5 Plan A is about providing the WS with a better alternative to infidelity (read it carefully). If the only thing they see is your LB
though granted, their actions are selfishly being carried out against you and you family they won't see the good in the marriage. So provide a better alternative. After you have tried your best to carry out Plan
A then it is up to you to move on to Plan B. But it is best to establish Plan A as best as possible before moving to
Plan B.

#5, Be aware that the Ws will lie, lie, lie. Do Not believe him. Even if he acts right and seems kind do not take that to necessarily mean that the affair is over. It very well may not be. Look into counseling even if you have to go alone.

#6 Take care of yourself. Get rest. Go on with your life. You will notice that he doesn't take all of his time thinking about this. Nor should you put your life on hold. Though you are working on it, try not to let it become a total obsession.

#6 I recommend a site that deals with rational thinking which may be helpful, www.rational.org.nz

Plan A should be short term thing 3-6 mos. If you can't stop LB maybe it would be best to go to Plan B.

Have you checked out any of Cerri's threads over on Just Found OUt?

(((((((lbc)))))))
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He ended up talking to her on Monday and met her for lunch on Tuesday. I mentioned separating that night. Last night, I sat him down and asked him what his plans were for leaving. He has no plans, so if anything happens, I'd probably have to leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This bothers me big-time! When I saw that you are the BS and have a 14 month old, I thought, "Why would it be her moving out? It should be him!" Your child needs to stay in the home. Do not let him push you out.

I have also read on this site regarding divorce, that you should maintain the family home with the children.

Regarding staying in Plan A or going to Plan B. How long have you been in Plan A? If you continue to LB, move on to Plan B. Like everyone says, read up on this site.

Keep your chin up. I know it is VERY difficult to do, but come here lots, post often and pray!

<small>[ November 06, 2003, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]</small>

HI lbc. You feel like you are at the end of your rope. Maybe there are a few things you can do before you move to Plan B. I don't know if I can convince you to stay in Plan A or not. But you do have a few positives working for you if you can.

Here are a few questions that I have:
When did you start Plan A? Do you feel that you have done as best you could to apply Plan A? If not, are you willing to try a little harder? Are you and your child in any danger (I mean from Ow stalking you or H)? What is your goal in Plan A?


One of the positives is that he is still in the home. The hard to handle part is that he is still seeing her while being in the home. The good thing is that your D and he will continue contact as well as yourself in the home.

Another positive is that you have the oppurtunity to show a good side. If you should have to go to Plan B you want to go having left a positive impression in his mind. So you may not want to go to Plan B with LB as the thing he remembers. He says you never talk to him. Who would want to talk to a cheater? But maybe you can try to a little more regardless of what he is doing. Have the two of you addressed his needs/ your needs? Try to find the positives in the situation though there seems like absolutely none. If you feel you can't stop LB and you have taken all that you can then going on to Plan B may be best.

What have you done so far? Maybe you are Lb because you are focusing on what he is doing. If you can steer your focus toward what you would like to do instead; you may be able to empower yourself to work on what you want to do. Try to look at the positives in what you are trying to do.

About LB remember that It withdraws from the Love Bank. Your goal in Plan A is to add Love deposits to the Love Bank by treating him with respect (though he doesn't deserve any). Your goal in Plan A is also to make your marriage apppear more attractive to WS. The appraoch in doing that is to follow the steps laid out by Dr Harley. Approaching the A with negotiations. You want to negotiate with the spouse to in a respectful manner to stop seeing OW while following other steps to stop the A. Afterall, you can't make him do anything so you want to ask him not demand him to stop A.


Plan B is about protecting your love for the WS and protecting your feelings. It is deciding to move on when Plan A isn't working and you have definitely taken all that you can. SO you want to leave without any contact with the exception of WS seeing your D. If you haven't set up Plan A well are you ready to have no contact with your spouse?

The obstacles to conquer are great. Realizing that at times you may NOT want to add deposits to the love bank because your feelings are being hurt on a constant basis. You may internalize what is happening and feel inadequate. You may feel She has him under her finger. It is also realizing that the Ws is lying to you on a constant. It is also realizing that things may
change and they may not. And that your spouse may flounder back and forth between you and other OW. This is all a part of it. Yet you may be able to still work on your plan despite the odds against you.


With whichever choice you make I wish you the best and hope that everything will work out in your favor.


Plan A and B
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Love Bank
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Love Busters
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html


"Without struggle there can be no progress"-Frederick Douglass

Hello all,

Thank you very much for your replies. I think it's better for our M if I visit this site everyday. You guys help calm me. I keep going back and forth -- whether to stay in Plan A or not. I try to 'put it on' and see how it feels and I keep going back to the idea that I hate that he is telling someone else that he loves her, can't stay away from her, and she brings him joy in his life or whatever other romantic things WS' say in this situation. It also burns me up that he makes *love* with her. You know, the tender kind of lovemaking. We've been a bit active in the SF department in the last month and a half and it's more like just fulfilling a need. We both enjoy it immensely, but a couple of days later I remember we are not 'making love'. That is what kills me right now. And I just imagine living in the same house knowing he is still talking to her, seeing her, and will probably sleep with her again in the near future.

It kinda feels like the shock of d-day has worn off. I'm not sure why I can't just go on like I have for the past three months. NC for 10 days probably got my hopes up too much and WS didn't tell me when he started talking to OW again. I hate nagging him and I didn't want to keep asking him if he broke NC.

Plan A only looks good to me cuz I really hate breaking up our family and the holidays will be very bleak this year if we are separated. Also, I want to believe we have a chance to recover.

But then Plan B is attractive, cuz I know he will be moping around OW missing our daughter. And I'm sure the thought of ending our M will be depressing. I want OW to see that side of him as well. She can listen to his whining now.

I am losing my resolve to go to Plan B, but I figure that's just cuz I'm weak and I will probably mess that up, too.

canthiswork: Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I realize I am trying to control him, her, and their relationship. Letting go is very attractive, but like I said, the idea of them together is eating me up inside. I guess I've been working so hard on saving our M up until this point that I'm getting tired. I don't think I'm obsessing over the 'wrong' they are doing. It's just that he has someone to love and I have no one. Another hard thing is that I haven't heard one positive thing from him in the past five days. Even though it may be lies, at least it gave me hope. I am in IC right now. I felt pretty disconnected last night and it was the best I felt in years. But the nagging thought is that he will just end up with her if I distance myself. Heehee, thanks for the rational thinking site. I'm an engineer so I thought I had that figured out, but when you're in this situation, all rational thought disappears.

TMD: Plan A is going on three months. It hasn't been a great Plan A, though. While WS can see some improvements, I don't believe they have been enough to see the marriage as a better alternative. I have read a few of Cerri's threads. I will go check them out today.

Stung: Of course, I'd rather stay in the house and it would be easier for WS to move, but if he doesn't budge, don't I have to leave for Plan B? When we've talked about breaking up, he is more than willing to let me keep the house, but right now he has nowhere to go.

Hi lbc <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . I feel for you because I know this is hard with everything that is happening right now. I am glad that you came back to the site and hope that we all can help each other through these infidelity issues. I don't mean to say that you are obsessing over the "wrong they are doing". What I'm trying to say is that when you think about the things that might be happening, ex. him telling her this and that and the betrayal of his actions it is hard to push forward. It is like the more you know and think about it sometimes can be more hurtful than helpful. Yet it is expected that you will think about it. So I'm sorry if I didn't say this right. I'm glad you replied today. I wish you the best.

canthiswork: Thank you so much for replying. You will not believe what just happened. My mother-in-law told me that WS' dad had an affair a couple of years ago. Well, we knew something happened, but I never knew it was as involved as it was. Well, actually, I still don't have the whole story. But anyway, my father-in-law has stopped seeing OW and they have been working on their M for the past year and a half. She is encouraging me to stay in Plan A. Maybe if I have a little bit more support, I can do it. It just hurts so much and I can't stop crying. I'm thinking it's just the shock of d-day wearing off. I guess I do obsess over what WS and OW are doing. I've gone back to checking her text messages - ugh! Maybe if I didn't know what was going on in the A, I could concentrate on my end of things better.

freetobe: I actually started Plan A pretty early. When I suspected the EA, I found MB rather quickly, so I'd say it's been almost 3 months. Well, it hasn't been the best Plan A. I have alot of anger and I've never learned how to channel that. I just scream. I guess I was concentrating on ENs when I should be concentrating on LBs. Perhaps I should not worry about the ENs right now. It doesn't matter if I'm meeting ENs if the LBs are withdrawing from WS' love bank anyway, right? I didn't think I could do anything more, but after talking to MIL, I have a little bit of resolve to keep trying.

No, my baby and I are not in any danger. OW is actually a very reasonable person. Well, we both are. We haven't tried contacting each other and we don't blame/bad mouth each other. My goal in Plan A was to end the A, but I guess that is not within my power. So maybe it should just be to end LBs and concentrate on myself. I realize that it's good that we still live together. I imagine we can still do family things and that helps him see what his life would be like without us. I already suggested an outing for the week after next. I just thought of something. Aren't the holidays a perfect time for that wholesome family feeling? Maybe this is the perfect time to play that up. I would like to try to show my good side, but I wonder if I have one. Just kidding. I'm angry and I'm starting to get depressed. Do I have a good side? Oh yeah, all he talks about is his needs. He glanced at SAA and told me his top 3 ENs. I have no idea what mine are. Well, I can guess, but I haven't done the questionaire.

My whole focus has been on him and ending this A. It's really sad. I turn the focus on me and I come up with nothing. Before I met WS, I was very active with friends and family, now I don't even know what I enjoy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm also afraid of focusing on myself. To me, that's just a sign for him saying, "Go hang out with her."

I'm interested in your ideas about negotiating the A, though. WS never said he wanted to stop seeing her. He was just doing it to get some distance and perhaps bring clarity to his feelings. He also saw how angry I can be and figured this was best for our baby. Do I approach the subject again? Do I ask him if he wants to try to stop seeing her again? Seems kinda lame at this point when I've pretty said, "I'm done." I've been reluctant to go to Plan B, though, cuz I figure I'll probably have contact. While I would love to get some distance from WS, I know I'll want to talk to him.

Hmmm...maybe it's like being in negotiations. You assume the other 'side' has more power. But the OW may have some doubts of her own about why WS hasn't left, yet. She did LB before NC, but WS is very good at reassuring us and keeping us on a string.

I just talked to WS. At least the communication lines are open again. I told him I wanted to talk to him tonight. Wish me luck.

Good Luck

lbc, I read your postings and the replies with great interest as the situation is very similar to mine in respect to what both you and your WS are doing. I found the MB site very soon after my Dday and it has helped tremendously in my understanding of where my WS and the OM are coming from in terms of what are completely irrational thoughts to me. I took some comfort in hearing the support of those such as canthis work, as I too have done a lot of LBing and trying to make her stop the A. I understand all to well your pain about not being able to deal with the thoughts of them talking or being together - so much that I too have begun thinking of ending the marriage. Which is really hard to do as I have spent the last 3 months trying to save it, although not always in the way that would have results. I have read the "Surviving an Affair" book by Dr Harley as well as countless articles on Infidelity on the MB site. Perhaps I do not/cannot focus on it - but I have a hard time trying to swallow all the pain that I feel (and still have to deal with the fact that they are still talking on the telephone). My WS too tells me that she "loves" me but is "in love" with him.
I agree with you that you need a bit more support to stay in Plan A. I have still not found out where I am going to get that support, but keep looking. As someone going through many of the same feelings, I emplore you to stay in Plan A. Your child is worth it. I have rationalized that it would by my WS that is forcing this decision upon me, but in reality it is my lack of desire to handle the constant pain. So please to do not rationalize - - stay in Plan A and good luck!

HI LBC I was wonderinghow things were going. Post if you would like to.

Hoping for the best.

I really do appreciate the support here. I had planned to update, but wasn't sure if anyone was interested.

I had left off the Friday before last when I finally talked to my MIL about the A. She has been so supportive. She was staying with us for a few days and that night, WS didn't come home till 10pm. Talk about disrepectful! I wouldn't do that to someone else's mom, let alone my own. Anyways, we had a long talk. I learned more about FILs A and it just felt good talking to someone else who went through the same thing. Well, it did give me the strength to continue Plan A, at least for that day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I couldn't stop the LBs for the next week, though. Before I would just get upset and yell, but now I was swearing and saying awful things to WS. Well, he ended up sleeping with OW on Tuesday after a month of abstaining. He wanted me to pick up our daughter that day, but I refused. He picked her up late and I just started asking him where he was, etc. He doesn't like to answer those kinds of questions, but I asked him if he went to a hotel. When he said yes, I had a meltdown. Not angrily, but I started crying. I'm not sure if WS has actually seen how much I've been hurting.

Again, I insisted that he leave, but the man won't budge. FIL called that night and I told him things were not going well. He asked if WS was there and I said, "Yeah, but I don't want him to be." He said that he would call me back the next day. I insisted WS make plans to leave within the week. I could feel myself detach again and I was able to stop the LBing.

He had invited me and our daughter to an amusement park with his employees this past Friday. I wanted to go to see if anyone would talk about OW (she worked for him) and to make sure he didn't take a detour on the way home. He was really concerned about my LBing, but at some point I checked his cell and the OW was LBing. She was complaining about being treated like an OW and having to 'hide'. She was upset that WS had invited me to the outing. That allowed me to be calm on Friday at the amusement park. I didn't LB at all and WS actually said he had a good time.

On Saturday, we had a talk. I told WS that he can continue living under our roof if there are no more charges for hotel rooms. Of course, WS and OW could meet elsewhere or OW could start paying for rooms, but I don't want to pay for them. Surprisingly, he agreed. He said this A stuff is not very glamourous. He felt anxious before, during, and after them being together. It is too rushed. Besides, he actually said that it's disrepectful to me. I don't know why he's agreed to it now, but I will just accept it. He also agreed to letting me see his online statements every couple of days.

I told him that I don't have much hope for our M. He's going to continue to talk to her and build up that relationship while our M is on hold. How do I compete with that? I'm just surprised that I have been able to stop the LBing for the past three days. I'm sure I feel I've gotten some kind of victory, but I wonder if I'm just trying to deny my feelings. I still feel a pang when I know he's been talking to her.

So I guess we are in Plan A until the end of the year.

hurtingdad: I don't think I've read your story. I will try to look for some of your posts. I'm wondering if it's harder for male BSs. I'm sure your WS feels she has found her soulmate. Although, I'm a female BS, our relationship is opposite of most. WS is the sensitive one and I'm the one that has a hard time expressing my feelings. I do understand your pain completely. How old are your children? I just can't get over the idea that my husband is telling another woman how much he loves her, etc. It hurts so much. Feel free to post here if you need it. I mentioned before that we need a Plan A support thread. What have you decided to do? How long will you stay in Plan A? Does your WS still see the OM?

lbc, Thanks for the offer to post here. I need to find the time to place my own as I am in need of some advice from others. I am the one holding down a job, spending as much time with the kids as possible, and still trying to meet WS's emotional needs. Unfortunately, that does not leave much time for me. I have resolved to get online tonight and post it from home, no matter how long it takes and how little sleep I get.
I agree with you that we need this forum to get the backbone to stay strong for our marriages.
You wrote: "I just can't get over the idea that my husband is telling another woman how much he loves her, etc. It hurts so much."
I know all to well the pain you feel. You are definately in a tough position. I have two beautiful daughters (5 1/2 years and 10 months)and part of how I am able to move forward each day is for them. The part of Dr. Harley's "way" that I cling to each day is that I do not want to be the one that cut and ran. I gained a lot of strength from the wonderful people that replied to your posting. While I know that I gained a lot of strength from several people that know what I am going through and through prayer (praying for peace each day and the ability to stay calm), I still do not know how I have been able to "detach" myself at most times from the pain of what she has done. But that is exactly what I have been able to do, is to NOT focus on what she has done, how unfair all this is, etc. I have been able to finally understand that I cannot force her to stay and I hope that you too will be able to gain some level of peace and understanding. I will pray for you to recieve this. Prayer, quiet time, whatever you need to do, I would suggest you try and focus your energies not on what has happened or (and here is where I still need help), on what continues to happen with your WS and the OW. Please focus on your child and you. You two are wonderful human beings and deserve some level of peace through all of this. Your child, while still a baby, picks up a lot from your mental health and emotional signals. You need to concentrate on your child and your emotional health. I have heard others say it, you do not have control over what your WS is doing, but you do have control over how you react to it. You need to take control over your emotions (I know, easier said than done).
If you are not doing it already, go back and read your posting and all the replies - you will see how much you have grown in your understanding already. Concentrate on the positive things that happen every day, although they may be hard to find, they are there.
You wrote "I told him that I don't have much hope for our M. He's going to continue to talk to her and build up that relationship while our M is on hold. How do I compete with that? I'm just surprised that I have been able to stop the LBing for the past three days. I'm sure I feel I've gotten some kind of victory, but I wonder if I'm just trying to deny my feelings. I still feel a pang when I know he's been talking to her."
Again, I am in pretty much the same boat. How I am dealing with it (and I hope you can gain something from it that will help you) is that I am trying to be thankful that she is not currently seeing the OM and while not actively working on our marriage, at least she is not seeing him physically right now. And while she is still talking to him (which does hurt a lot), she is here with me and the kids and I have to do everything possible to show here that this environment is good. Try to stop the LBing and focus on what you can find that is good. Focus on your child and your mental health.
Take every day one day at a time. I will be praying for you.

hurtingdad: Thank you for your reply. I didn't realize you had a baby, too! I was able to help WS on the days he saw OW by packing the baby's bag and even putting it in his truck so that he could take the baby to Grandma's. If he came home late, sometimes I'd wait up for him and we'd talk quietly and maybe cuddle. I was even able to sleep with him during the A, but I truly believe I've reached some kind of end.

I had a dream this weekend where I was playing tennis and I was just too tired to serve. I can see the wisdom in the advice here. I even get it from MIL, but I can't sit quietly any more. Perhaps if WS agreed to stop seeing OW, I might be able to continue on Plan A.

This week will be easy, though. WS is going to a hotel for the week. Even up to this morning, I was convinced that he would spend the week with OW. He managed to convince me that he's not and at this point, I'm at peace. I'm not even going to try to call him. I'm tired. I know this is not healthy for our baby, but I don't think that a continued Plan A is healthy for me, either. I'm going to let everything go this week and see how I feel when I see WS on Friday.

My anger is based on the fact that he has someone who makes him feel good and I have no one. That is fine, but I don't want him living under the same roof as me. He just won't leave, though.

My MIL is telling me the same thing about journaling and finding some kind of peace. I've been resisting it. Well, I did start journaling when I went back to IC, but that was replaced by our dialoguing after Retrouvaille. Now, I'm not doing either.

I know what you are saying about being thankful. I do read on here about WS' who move in with their OW's on d-day. At least, he hasn't left, yet, but I can't help feeling he is only here for our daughter and the comforts of living at home. Knowing the type of person he is, I can just see him choosing OW, so why do I have to live through this pain?

I really do appreciate your words and I will try to take them to heart. Perhaps this week apart will be just as good for me as it may be for WS.

I hope you will be able to post your story today.

Ibc,
I've not been on MB for about a month (a month too long, I'm afraid), and I'm sorry to read that you continue to struggle with your Plan A. I am glad to see that you do have a support person, and imagine that, it's your MIL. My MIL has been my support as well. Years ago, she went through the same crap I'm going through, although, my FIL didn't have relationships, just one night stands. But, my MIL does recognize that my M is worth saving and, although she is disgusted by her son's decisions, she understands my position.

Why are you and WS spending a week apart? My WH and I have spent time apart (not by my choice), in the past, and believe it or not, it did seem to help me!!! I wouldn't call him either, even though it was so difficult. I just knew that OW was calling him probably every hour on the hour (if they weren't together), and that had to be a little annoying. Yes, it meant he was spending more time with OW, but it also meant that he had more time to see how OW really is. She decieves him as much as he deceives her, and me. Their R truly is made up of lies, lies, lies, on both sides. And, she is sooooo young (just turned 24), and I believe she is one of those girls who is really just looking for male acceptance. Of course, I tried to warn him early on, that she was full of head games... and, I tried to warn her early on that he was the world's best lier!!! Now, the A is suppossedly over, and they've discovered that they "just can't do it anymore!" If they would have only listened to me in the very beginning!!! LOL

Anyway, my point being, that I have been sooo consumed by the A for the last 7 months. There were nights, where I would just drive around looking for his car, her car, some assurance that they were together. Even though I knew in my gut that they were. I lost so much sleep, hardly ate, (and I was pregnant at the time), just made myself sick. I don't know how I did it, but one day, I just decided that I already knew what was going on, I couldn't do a thing to stop it, so why make myself crazy driving around at 2:00 a.m. just to confirm my suspicions?

It didn't make the reality of the A any easier, but physically, I just couldn't take the stress anymore. I knew that WH would just lie about it in the morning anyway, so I just stopped asking, and waited for him to come clean. Little did he know, I had caller ID, and knew when he was calling from OW's. Remarkably, he always fessed up when he was there. Maybe to rub the A in my face? I don't know.

I too have wavered the Plan A/Plan B line. My WH has broken it off w/OW 4 times now. Each time he goes back to her, I tell myself, "that's it, doormat, time for Plan B." But then I look at my kids, and realize that the fight is so much more important. My WH broke it off with OW for the fourth time just a month ago. Although they have spoken, it's not NC, (they work at the same place), he's trying to convince me that it's done for good. He tells me that he knows for sure that he would not, could not, and will not go back. I'm keeping my guard up. Until he and I start MC, he puts his ring back on his finger, and he starts telling people at work that he's "off the market," so to speak, I still have a hard time believing a word he says.

I started journaling a few months back, myself, and find it to be therapeautic (Sp?) Mostly, it's a timeline of the events, and how they make me feel. I've even written letters to the OW, however, I rip them up and toss them. Don't want to LB by mailing an emotional letter to OW.

Perhaps this time apart will be good for your WS, to reflect on what you and he have built together. Not, neccessarily what your M is today, but what it once was, and what it could be with some work. I read somewhere, that 90% of WS return to the M. Make it inviting for him, Ibc. I know it is hard, when he really doesn't deserve it, but if it's worth it to you, don't give up.

I know what you mean when you say it's hard that he has someone with him, meeting his needs, and you have no one. I expressed that to my WH, in a non-LBing way, that one of the hardest things about this whole thing, was that night after night, he was there with her, getting his needs met, and I was alone, missing my husband. He seemed to understand. I really hope my WH is finding his way through the fog.

I hope this week goes well for you, Ibc.

MOP! I'm glad you decided to check in. We are spending the week apart because WS has been asking for some time even before the A started. Once the A started, I wasn't about to let him have time alone in a hotel. But both of us (me and OW) have been asking him to choose and WS feels he needs to be by himself to get some clarity on the situation. His therapist thought it would be a good idea and FIL/MIL's therapist recommended it for FIL, also, so I finally relented.

So far, I seem to be doing well. Perhaps because I believe he really doesn't have plans to see OW. I called him last night after we said goodnight and he answered the phone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> When the EA started, he was out of town. He'd say goodnight to me and then spend two hours on the phone with OW. Anyways, I am feeling more at peace and I'm finding my love for WS again. These past couple of weeks, I wasn't sure I even loved him anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Even though I know he could still be talking to her or even sleeping with her, I'm just trying to do a good Plan A. Even if it's for two days, ha! Just to see if I can do at all and maybe see if it's something I can do when he comes home.

I'm jealous of your OW, ha! At least you have the chance that WS will see that she does not even compare to you. My OW hasn't LB'd much, though, she did wonder how WS could have female friends. Oh, oh! WS has alot of female friends.

Oh, I hear you about searching for WS and OW. If I didn't have a baby, I'd do the same thing. Actually, they called off plans for meeting at a hotel last Friday (after I saw her text msgs and I LB'd all over the place), but on the off chance, they didn't, I drove over after work. I even drove past a couple of restaurants that I know they've been to.

At least your WS has tried to end the A, but I can imagine that must be heartwrenching to get your hopes up and then have them dashed again. I'm praying that it is over for good.

Thanks for stopping in and updating. I'm praying for you as well.

i'll stay if you stay?