I have so many questions today I don't even know where to start. but, I have been fairly sure from h's actions of the past three months that an a is going on. this includes,

his sudden urge to divorce (and this materialized during a family member's funeral!!)
his anger at having me back in the marital home (we had reached a POJA about my move when it occurred but he suddenly had a change of mind)
new friends
consistent new schedule of being gone at all hours
vague excuses for being gone
strange phone numbers to and from his cell phone (2 of these were for more than 20 minutes and the phones are registered to 2 different girls?!!)
his change in activities (h used to annoy me with the number of hours he spent online, now he is only online maybe 10 minutes a day)
h is checking out nudity online!
taking no responsibility w/kids or my car (doesn't really surprise me except that he had noticed my headlight out and when i told him later on that i had changed it, he couldn't remember that it was out)
slight change in wardrobe
bought a different vehicle & complained that it was to easy to spot in the dark
started exercising more
puts all the blame on me (and i can tell that some of the comments do not sound like him)
wants none of his en's met by me (unless he is feeling guilt and then wants me to give him a hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )
is critical of where i go and checks up on me constantly (latest one is that i can't use a day care that i checked into - and s likes! - but i know one of the phone number addresses is 2 blocks from this daycare)

well, that's all i can think of right now. he has denied knowing the person at the first number i had but changed subjects when i suggested i give them a call. i have had the suggestion to get a va recorder and put in his car but i am really worried that he would catch this since the car is new to him. i have hired someone to check out the addresses off and on but haven't caught him there yet. (but h can be very sneaky as i have caught him in the past meeting someone in a parking lot and using her car to get to her house.) part of my plan A is not to follow him around as this is something he has complained about in the past. so how do i expose an a? it is difficult to work on plA when he won't admit anyone else is involved.

well, i have more ??s about exposing the a and transitioning to plan b, but will get to that later.

ps, i did notice the smell of perfume on his shirt when i washed it today (definitely not mine!) but i can't really use that against him can i? h would probably say that he doesn't smell it.

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: uofmfan ]</small>

You H sounds very tricky indeed. However everything you've said seems to be enough evidence to go to him about it. It may be that you will have to approach him and tell him that you are convinced that he is because of these reasons. Then see how he reacts.

The only difficulty is that he seems to hide the characters involved very well. Maybe you will want to do a little more digging and observing to find out who they are. Are their maybe bank account statements or credit card statements that may give you an idea? But even if you don't you can try to enact Plan A.

If your H insist that he is not having an A you may want to inform him that he is acting in ways that are uncomfortable to you (without LB) and you would like for him to take some measures to change this behavior. Refer to basic concepts Policy of Undivided Attention and Radical Honesty (link below).

If you are convinced that he is having an affair then you may chose to enact Plan A anyway. The intent of Plan A is to seperate the WS from the OP (or OPs) by negotiation (a link to Plan A is below).
Though he is trying to conceal what he is doing you can let him know what you suspect and advise him that you would like it to stop. You want to do this without LB. So you want to let him know in a manner without demanding and having angry outburst as such.

Before you approach him you'll want to have a plan laid out. You will also want to make sure that you understand Plan A and B very well.

I wish you the best.

How to Survive an Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Plan A and Plan B
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Love Bank
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

If your H is asking for a D you may want to let him know that you would like to save the marriage and ask him to reconsider then seek counseling with or without him. Dr Harley provides counseling ont his site.

How Dr Harley learned to save marriages
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3100_how.html

Policy of Undivided Attention
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.htm licy of Undivided Attention

Policy of Undivided Attention
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html

i have approached h on some of this, (phone call, his wish to div, his whereabouts, etc) but he always has an excuse! i have reread parts of SAA and need to start catching up on the lies he gives by asking again and again. the only problem seems to be that everytime i ask h something (about anything!) he gets very defensive and critical of me. (he is waiting for me to LB and i haven't given him much satisfaction on that one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

we had started a plan A back in July of 99 after i discovered his first a. i had 4 consults w/SH during that time and h joined in for 2. it has seemed in the past 4 years that the more i tried to keep the change in our marriage, the more he would want to get out of m. h has even mentioned to me recently that he remembers the plan A and refuses to let it sway his decision.

i have talked to SH this week and that is why i am looking into the a info. SH says once i find out more details (who, where) then it can be a dead issue, but he says to wait on exposing it to h as h is in a fight/flight mode.

***If your H is asking for a D you may want to let him know that you would like to save the marriage ***

I have told him many times that i am working on our marriage. but he says it doesn't matter, there's nothing left to work on, etc. 2 weeks ago i asked for a separation, (and said i that i still wanted our m to work out) but he has done nothing to prepare for it. (typical cakeman!)

i really don't know what to do yet. I am ready to start plan b since h won't admit or give up on ow, and the stress around here is too much for our s. (last night we were all watching tv, my s asked me where his video tape was and all of a sudden h jumps out of his chair and storms out of the house for 5 minutes.)

what to do? what to do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: uofmfan ]</small>