h is giving me excuses of just about anything to get out of the house tonight. now i don't really have any plans, should i try to go w/him?

would this be an lb?

or would it be an lb to call him later?

i can just stay here and keep busy, but don't know if i can contain an angry outburst if he gets home late (or not at all!)

thx.

OK, uofmfan

I assume that you must be in Plan A. Here's what I did when I was in Plan A and H was still living with us (he moved out this week).

Since I knew that my H was seeing OW during the evenings or on weekends, I asked him to please not lie to me. If he was going to see her, just tell me about it. He has done that for me.

Our situation was that he loves me, not in love with me; in love with her. Can't seem to break it off. Doesn't know what to do. I found this site, read many, many books and decided to let him have his time with her.

So, he would tell me when he went to see her.

It went on like this from 9/2 until this past Sunday 11/1. I tried to greet him with a smile when he returned from seeing her. Sometimes, I would greet him with tears, but never angry tears.

When he came back from seeing her on Sunday, I melted and he agreed that it was time for him to move out. No yelling, threats, mean words from either of us. Just the sad truth that the time had come.

I'm still in Plan A and will continue as long as I can. He knows that I love him dearly and want him to end A. If he can do that, fine. If not, I will have to move to Plan B whenever my heart can't take it anymore.

After he ends A we will be (back) in Plan A and he will remain out of the home for a while. I've read about withdrawal.

Hope this information helps you. I'll be thinking of you and praying.

bump for uofmfan

Who else is out there with information/advice for uofmfan??? This is time-sensitive and she probably needs info quickly!

uof,
I wish I could tell you how to stop him from going or seeing the ow, short of you going with him, But I can't.

What I can tell you is that you aren't alone. I just realized that my WF has pulled a fast one and very well may be out with OW which is also a WS.

When I realized it I ran a gamet of emotions that crossed between a resemblence of the exorcist and Sybil <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I felt like I couldn't control myself. THen it came to me. Why go through this whhen you know he isn't going through this and if I continue to go in this route I will lose my focus and my mission. So that has calmed me. I was so angry I wanted to break things. So ok I'm back now.

Anyway, something that came to mind is in Dr Harley's basic concepts about "Instincts and Habits" I recommend you read it too (link below). If I am not wrong this is how I took it. It says that instincts are patterns of behavior. Habits are learned through practice.
Well instincts are kind of things that we act on and are triggered. My trigger: I suspect my WF is out with her. My instinct: anger. Past habit:
To act on it, have an angry outburst, demand, Lb, etc.

If I do these things based on instinct I will not achieve my goal. So I have chosen instead of LBing to calmly realize he may be or he may not be but I will not allow it to ruin my night. So I will do other things, etc. I don't know if this helps or not but it calmed me down.
So what is your mission? What are you trying to achieve that Lb will interrupt?

Sorry that we are both going through this but I believe we can prevail. I wish you the best. Love, peace and joy to you.

Love Bank
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

Instincts and Habits
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3250_habits.html

((((sbab))))
((((free))))

thanks so much for answering my post tonight. i've had a few chances to read the posts tonight and now will finally get the chance to reply.

i very calmly, eagerly and w/a smile asked h if 7yo s and i could come along w/him tonight. (his final excuse to get out was to go to store and visit family!) well, he caught me on that one and sent me to one store while he went to the other.

he must have been nervous w/ow since the most time she could have gotten from him tonight was an hour and thats probably stretching it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks for the links 'free', i did read back over these and will put it in my bookmark files. my usual instinct when h takes off for her is to follow him over there for a confrontation. I did this once to him (the conf. fizzled out tho, since i chickened, but h did see me) this was many years ago, but h always brings it up like i hurt him more by following him than he hurt me w/the A.

so, while i figure that confront. and following would be a major lb in his mind, isn't allowing this w/o any acknowledgment on my part sort of like saying it is ok?

as for my mission. i'm not really sure any more.
i wanted a better marriage
i wanted my h to love me again

h doesn't want to even try to work on this and he has said the line 'i don't hate you' so many times it hurts. but i can see there is love in his eyes every night when he comes home. (this changes to anger or bitterness everytime i try to get near him) So, whoever he is out with is making him happier than i ever did. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ November 08, 2003, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: uofmfan ]</small>