Hi,found out H is having an A 3 weeks ago. We are in plan A.
He was in the fog for 10 days. OW started making too many requests and finally blew it by letting me have all the gory details WH wasn't willing to disclose. He always minimised the A to me,(although confirms having planned to leave me ) but made lots of promisses to OW.She pulled the rope to tight and has made him angry. Now WH tells me the A is over because she has disappointed him too much. I asked him to tell OW that the A is over. He refuses, saying he wants to let her brew, in other words he is angry with her and wants to make her suffer. Is it normal H is obviously still obsessed with OW even though with negative feelings. Would it be wrong for me to insist that WH tell OW that the A is over. I'm terrified to make requests, yet desperatly need proof that he has chosen to be with me not because OW has disappointed him. please advise me...

Hi Flora,
acting out of fear ['I'm terrified']is not a good place to be - we make mistakes this way.
Be as confident as you can. You have a right to ask him to do what is right and honoring to you.
If he balks, he is showing his true colors and needs to get a lot of counseling-emotional-spiritual help before warranting winning you back.
I'll pray for you.
God has a plan to help us through these messes.
Put your faith in him.
Mike

Flora,

Welcome to MB. Learn as much as you can about MB. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are in plan A.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Plan A is one sided action by you. we ????.

Read and follow this links ... How to survive infedelity.

Good luck -rh-

QUote from FLora: "I asked him to tell OW that the A is over. He refuses, saying he wants to let her brew, in other words he is angry with her and wants to make her suffer. Is it
normal H is obviously still obsessed with OW even though with negative feelings."

If it is over why does he care if she brews or not? What it seems he is really saying is, "I
want to teach her a lesson so she will stop
what she is doing and pacify me, then I will get back with her". I agree with Mike729 that though you are afraid you have the right to ask him to stop contact and save your M. You are his W and the one he made the vows to. So make your request. Also even if WS tells the other person it is over it still may not be.

QUOTE From FlorA : "I'm terrified to make requests, yet desperately need proof that he has chosen to be with me not because OW has disappointed him."

You may find that he lies. WS may tell you one thing while telling the OW another thing. Because of the addictive nature of A many times the WS will not tell you the truth about why they do what they do. They lie often. So the desire to save your marriage isn't best left to what he tells you. Your decision may be best left at your desire to want to save it and a decision to follow Plan A carefully.
I am also learning that they will make decisions about you based on whether the other person has
disappointed them or not.

Thahk you all for your input.
I tried yesterday to make request:
--Tell OW the A is over, he still balks and says it is unnecessary, OW will understand if he doesn't contact her anymore.
--tried to make him understand that I need reassurance: he says some of the feelings I want him to express are implicit...

I'm walking on eggs all the time, feeling I have to be on my best behaviour...yet completely obsessed with the details of their A. feeling like a complete obsessively curious jerk <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

will get back to reading..WE are in plan A???

Flora don't feel like an obsessive curious jerk. Many people, including myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> that are in this situation obsess about what is happening to them. Here are a few words of advice that I would like to share.

My WF told me he didn't feel it necessary to tell the OW that it was over again also (he had alreay told her several times). Well I learned that he was floundering back and forth between his feelings for her and me. That is why he wouldn't tell her again. So even if he does tell her it is over he may not mean it.

Granted you already know he is having an A. So of course being concered about intimacy for health reasons is high on your list of concerns.

You'll want to only take in as much as you can handle. If you take in too much about the A (details) it may work against you. For me I found that knowing too much zapped my energy and productive thinking until I was able to read more and learn more and act differently. SO sometimes I found myself just sitting there wondering what I was doing.

WS will lie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . Sometimes unintentionally because they are confused about feelings for both BS and OP. Many times intentionally.

Wishing you the best and you aren't alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />