I found out my wife had (and maybe is still having?) an affair two weeks ago. We've been together 18 years. She says the affair is over. She says she isn't in love with me, and wants a divorce. Two days ago she discussed counseling and seperation. I have read His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair in the past week. They break my heart. They describe us perfectly. I am heartbroken. I have been doing plan A, it was just natural to love my wife. Now I can do it with more understanding. How do I find a good counselor? I feel like alot is on the line with that. I am so hopeful, but I have so much pain and my wife is so determined it is dead between us. We have two young children, and they are so sad about this. I realize I need to avoid love busters, and attend to my wifes emotional needs, and I need to be patient; but if she is willing to allow a counselor to help I want to find a good one. One that uses Harley's techniques. The phone thing won't work. How do I find someone in Ann Arbor Michigan?

af90 - Stick to Plan A. Read all about it. Your W is saying the usual things. Read on this site, they all talk the same. Don't listen to anything she says, it is all fog talk. Do not take it personally. Luckily you found this site, and you will get great advice about saving your marriage. There are lots of experts here that can help you get through this. Sorry you are here, but you can feel safe. Lots of folks have been through the same thing you are going through now. It is miserable, but it can get better. Good luck and keep posting.

Thankyou for responding. I love my wife so much, and I wasn't meeting any of her top five emotional needs. Now on top of her needs not being met she had an affair which did meet her needs. I am in such a hole to dig out of. I am putting more energy and love than I knew was in me to making deposits and not withdrawals from her account. I had to see a Psychologist and medical doctor to get anti-depressents to help me sleep. All I think about is getting my wife back. I am working very hard at blocking all thoughts of the affair; and working on now and the future. It's so hard. I have never been so sad in my life. I miss my wife so much; and I fear how this could turn out. I won't give up belief that she will fall in love will me all over again; but I don't know if that will happen. She craves affection, conversation and admiration. If anyone has ways I can meet these needs for her let me know please.

I have not shown her the books I've read. Should I? It seems not?

Any counselors in the Detroit area??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I have not shown her the books I've read. Should I? It seems not?

Any counselors in the Detroit area?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it won't cause of LB then read it around her and just put them on top of table <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

For counseling, go for MB directly.

-rh-

The marriage builders weekend in Orlando. If my wife agrees to attend this, would it be a good idea to go? Should I ask my wife to go down there and give it a shot?

I don't want to push her too fast. She still says she can only be happy with a divorce, that she is not in love with me. She said she would do counseling though, out of obligation I think; but she is willing I think.

I think (think) her affair is over. The damage of me not meeting her emotional needs for years has really hampered her ability to trust she could ever be happy with me again. So to avoid that risk, and to avoid facing the affair I think, she comes with the divorce plan.

She says she wants to remain together for the holdidays, but then wants an apartment. She has made no efforts to find an apartment. She has made no efforts to secure a divorce. She accpets my affection and attempts to show her love. She has warmed up to me, she gets home from work earlier than she use to - but she still throws out the divorce concept. I hate to get my hopes up, but I refuse to quit (quiters never win).

Advice?