God has decided to truly break my heart and will now. Quick wrap up...WW in ongoing EA/PA starting early July, DDay Sept 28 she admitted...Oct 3 Grandma #1 breaks hip, is diagnosed with brain cancer, and will likely die before Thanksgiving...Nov 6 Grandma #2, in stroke recovery from Thanksgiving stroke last year, diagnosed with breast cancer to have surgery this week. At each phase I didn't think it could get any worse, and each time I have been proven wrong. Yesterday morning talking to WW, I revealed that I can't fight for M alone anymore. I'm dead and won't make her stay in a M she doesn't want. She feels guilty about her A and comforts me regarding Grandma crises. I told her I had been to a lawyer but felt horrible, empty and hollow when I left. But now I just don't seem to care. I'm too tired, too dead.

I feel myself becoming vulnerable to EA/PA because none of my ENs have been met for so long. I fantasize about what it would be like to have someone kiss me with passion again, to have someone who desires me...I know I can't do it because it would be wrong and a whole new mess, but all I feel is pain around me. The dog and IC are the only things keeping me sane right now. I want to feel someone's warm body against me.

Any encouragement would be appreciated. I've been reading about Job and David but really need a double dose of God's love, peace, and comfort right now.

Continue to trust in God, he will not forsake you. I'm so sorry for all of the misery you are going through right now. It will not always be like this. You are very new to this pain, it might help to see doctor about getting some anti-depressants to help you through. I know the feeling about being tempted to hook up with someone, anyone. That is not in your best interest. I will pray that you can feel God's comfort and peace through all of your tribulations. Hugs from California.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I feel myself becoming vulnerable to EA/PA because none of my ENs have been met for so long. I fantasize about what it would be like to have someone kiss me with passion again, to have someone who desires me...I know I can't do it because it would be wrong and a whole new mess, but all I feel is pain around me."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please stop and think about all the pain and suffering an affair causes to an untold number of lives. What if the woman you start an affair with is married with children? Can you handle the fact that you contributed to the pain and suffering her H and children would be in when they find out about the affair? But even if she isn't married, what about if at a later time you discovered that you really didn't love this woman, yet she was madly in love with you? Can you handle the fact that you used her for your own selfish needs?

Even if you were suddenly single at this moment in time, you are not emotionally ready to embark in another relationship with another woman. Rebound relationships have a low survival rate to begin with, and they really don't help in the healing process of a BS.

There is a fantastic book by Dr. Ed Wheat called Love for a Lifetime. You can find it on Christian Book Distributors web site. There is a section on how to save your marriage alone! You must get the book and read it cover to cover. Do everything he says to do without fail. It literally saved my life and my marriage. Everytime I feel defeated, I go to that book and read. Dr. Harley's book is great. Dr. Wheat brings biblical priciples into the scope of your circumstance and gives you the hope you need to persevere. My advice is to resist the temptation to have your needs met by someone else. That is why you are in your current situation. When your wife is not meeting your needs, go to God for them and ask him to show you his will and meet your needs. He is faithful and loves you more than you can imagine. God is teaching you about who you are and helping you discover your Godly character. Learn the truth from God's word, it will never be wrong. Don't let your feelings guide you. Make a choice to be committed to your wife and your marriage. It will not be easy. Get rid of the resentment, deny yourself and focus on God and your marriage. Read the book and love your wife the way God wants you to!

Thank you all for your posts. I didn't mean to imply that I was gonna run out and have an A today.

Believer - I'm on the anti-D's and they are doing ok. IC is going ok also, no real complaints there. I think part of it is I'm so tired, Grandma's are a 6 h drive away in Illinois and I've done it 3 of the last 5 weekends and got back at 11:30 on Sunday night. Sleep is rough though and I wake up several times throughout the night.

TMCM, I "KNOW" the words you wrote about using someone else are true and I have enough character and faith to not allow that to happen. That certainly isn't fair to anyone. The emotional pain of WW and medical crises is particularly intense right now and I guess I just want to escape but there is no where to hide. It is totally unfair to use someone that way, I guess I was just remembering the last passionate kiss W and I shared 2 months ago. SF is one of my top ENs. I know this all sounds like "foggy" rationalization and probably is but I'm not doing anything stupid.


For a while, I was able to focus on the changes God was making to me and was embracing them inspite of the pain of A and Grandma #1. The past few days though all I've seen is the pain and not focusing on what God wants to teach me. As a friend of mine says, "Live for the joy of the Lord." I haven't been doing that lately.

I'm going to refocus on God and try to open up my ears. Thanks for your encouragement.

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Ridingtherollercoaster ]</small>