I've been in Plan B for 9 days now. My WW is a cake eater and I had had enough. Last week my WW had an emotional meltdown. She had fabricated a story about her father being in the hospital. Turned out it was all a lie. I contacted her everyone she had roped into the lie, her parents, brother/SIL and 2 friends. Her family was unaware of the A and the real reason we were separtated. I confronted her with the lie since she was using the "emergency clause" of the PBL to manipulate me, and told her I was forced to tell her family what was going on. I calmly told her how many people she had hurt with this behavior and refered her back to the PBL for NC until she had her life together. That was last Thursday. She hasn't contacted her family yet and they are very worried about her. Her family is sympathetic to my plight, and saddened by thier D's actions, and pledged thier support to me.

This morning, my WW left a message on my machine, saying she is feeling much better now and has made an appt for IC this week (this is a first). But she thinks we need to "close this chapter in our lives and start the healing process" by filing for Dv. We already have a sep agreement, so Dv would only take about 30-45 days to finish. She says she doesn't want us to hate each other and we need to move on with our lives and maybe be friends. Does she think that getting Dv is going to help us be friends? Does she think that will make me give up PBL NC request? She also thinks it is best for "her, me and the kids" (she has the kids). How the he77 is that whats best for the kids? Does she think that Dv is going to magically make the problems and pain between us just go away? She is starting IC, but wants to Dv now?? Does she think that getting Dv will somehow validate the problems in our M or the reason for the the A to herself and/or her family??

WW says her and OM are just friends now, and OM has a new GF. Yet they still see each other regularly.

We have been M for ten years, separated for only 3.5 moths now. Thats not very long in the scope of things considering whats at stake.

What do I do?? Do I break NC and try to talk her down, wait until some IC has happened? Do I ask her parents to talk to her (they don't want to pressure her andhave been waiting for her to call them)?? Should I just stick to Plan B and see what happens? If she does file for Dv should I try to drag it out, or get it over with quickly??

Once we are Dv I don't know if I could ever go back and subject myself and the kids to this pain again. Comming from a Dv family myself (WW is not), I know it is every childs dream that Dv parents would get back together. I don't think I could risk putting them through this again, little lone myself. It's like put a turniquet on a non-life-threatening wound. Once you do it, you don't take off.

What irritated me most was her tone on the ans machine. She tried to sound so caring and "at peace" with her decisions, almost romantic about how "we tried, but this is for the best, lets be friends" attitude. Is she diluting herself, or trying to rationalize/justify everything that has happened?? Is she too proud to come back?

I'm just really down today. I don't know if I should talk to her, or stick with NC and just go through a third party, or not respond at all.

Any thoughts or opinions would be very very much appreiciated.

Fog talk. Your W is still in the fog. From personal experience, breaking your plan B is a bad idea. Let her file for divorce if she wants to. You still have the option to sign it or your can make your own changes on the DV agreement so that it drags on for some time. Maybe in this period, your W will come out of her fog. I've broken my plan B several times and it just put me back several steps. I know its hard not to do anything. I know you have a million IF's going through your head, but I'd suggest just staying dark. I would question myself so much that I would finally break down and contact WW. Like I said it just put me back further. This is only my opinion. I'm fairly new at this myself and have made my share of mistakes. I'm sure if you keep posting you will get some great advice from some more qualified people, but until then, I'd say stay dark. Take care of yourself and your kids and keep posting. You will get through this...

hangnon - You are in Plan B right? Stay there. Your W is trying to manipulate you into contact, first with story about father, now with talk of D. You need to stay with NC. Don't worry about future - next week it might be something else. Take care of yourself, and start emotionally detaching. Go out with friends, exercise, get busy working on you. Stay completely dark. When you feel like contacting W, post here, and hopefully we will talk you out of it.

Thanks for the encouragement!

I talked to FIL. They still haven't heard from WW yet. At first they were sad and disappointed, but now they are starting to get angry with her.

It is sooo difficult dealing with a WS while they are in the fog. I think I am going to stay dark in Plan B, and turn off my ans machine to avoid further messages. But, I'm sure she would just switch to leaving VM on my cell. The whole premise of the message was it was something she wanted to say to me herself(wants to file Dv) instead of through a third party.

It just amazes me how selfish and self-centered she is being. This isin't the woman I married, and her parents know this isin't the D they raised. She isin't looking at the big picture of what Dv means. I think she is just looking for a quick way to find some kind of closure to justify her actions.

One other fact I haven't mentioned about my WW is she used to be very heavy (240 Lbs), but had gastric bypass surgery last Oct. Now she wieghs 115. I'm sure this has a great deal to do with the whole situation, but she hasn't wanted to admit to it. Somehow, when she lost all that weight, she lost part of herself as well. I really regret being supportive/allowing her to have the surgery. I posed the question to her 2 months ago, would OM have been interested in her when she weighed 240(I know, big LB)? OM didn't know her when she was that heavy. She said she didn't know. I guess thats another issue that hurts so much is I feel like a facilitated her physical change. Now she's one of the "beautiful people" and I'm getting traded in. Sucks huh!!

Again thanks for the words! Tomorrow is another day!

hangon, I agree with the others about staying in the dark, your W already proved she is willing and wants to manipulate you, like TMCM told me one time the opposite of love is not hate it is indifferance, that indifferance is getting to her stay the course.

If she wants to file for the big D, nothing you can do about it but prepare yourself, legally and mentally, bet if she does, and you already have your ducks in a row it will shock the hell out of her in that she thought you would simply lay down and beg her to not file, either way it is no longer a game when she is making those threats, take them seriously and get yourself some legal counsel, just in case.

Take care buddy, this isnt for wimps and you been holding up fine so far.

DaRookie

Your WW seems to be one of the many women who once they improve their physical appearance, they become intoxicated with the new found attention they receive from men. These women usually have had problems all of their lives with low self esteem, and now they're trying to relive their teenage years and they show it by acting like boy crazy teenage girls.

But keep in mind that it wasn't the improvement of her appearance that caused her to go crazy, but her emotional inmaturity.

Stay the course as far as Plan B NC is concerned.

Thanks again for all the repiles!

TMCM-You're right, she has had self esteem problems over the years (but never like this). And, it is the consenus with her family the there are other problems at work here besides the A.

I'm going to stick to Plan B, and have told our third party contact to relay to her that getting Dv is not a joint agreement, I don't want it, but can't stop her from filing. Her tone on the answering machine message was almost like she was trying to talk me into it, that it was "in all our best interests". I think she is just looking for a quick and easy way out, and if I were to go along with it she wouldn't feel as much guilt and pain. I think I have made it clear, it we get Dv it will be because she threw in the towel, not me. At least I will have the peace of mind and comfort that I did everything I could before the end. God help her if she does this, then has regrets latter on.

I'll just have to wait and see what she does. Perhaps when she see's this decision is all on her, she will think a litle more carefully. I'm not going to beg or plead for her not to do it, but I will hold her accountable for it, and any consiquences that may arise from it in the future.

Her family is on pins and needles waiting for her to contact them. I try to keep them updated on current events, so obviously the only point of view they have is mine. Ihave done my best to only give them the facts, and tell them when something is just my opinion. They just really want to talk to there D, and can't understand why she is doing this. I share many of there feelings.

I guess we'll just sit back a little bit and see what happens today. She has had a habit of going from one extreme to the other over last several weeks.

Rookie-Sorry to see the way your situation worked out, and thanks for your kind words. I am going to stay the course, and stay dark.

Thanks again for all your support. I don't know what I would do without a place like this to vent. I can only call family members so many times a week without feel like a nusence or CNN.

Take care all!!

mr. H,
i just wanted to add my voice to those that have councilled you to stick with a FIRM plan B!

don't you dare budge from your position. from what i've read here, it's working just the way it's intended too! you've done very well!

one last thought. through your third party...i would let your W know that you don't need her as a "friend." i would tell her that I already have plenty of friends and that what i need is a wife and what my children need is a live in father.

good luck.
coach

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">coach3530:

"i would let your W know that you don't need her as a "friend." i would tell her that I already have plenty of friends and that what i need is a wife and what my children need is a live in father."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not often that I disagree with coach but I don't agree that you need to do this for it will not help end her affair and may just feed her beleif that she made the right choice in separating from you, IMNSHO. Your Plan B letter along with its NC silence will more than speak volumes about what you think about her bad choices.

Thanks again!

I do have a question about NC. My WW has been okay as far as respecting the NC request, I have not seen her or spoke directly to her in 6 days. She has however gotten into a habit of emailing me (3 times in 2 weeks)about issues with the kids, ie visitation times/arrangements, holiday schedules etc. Should I respond to these since they only pertain to the kids or just stay dark? Obviously since there are children involved, some communication is going to happen. Or, is going through our third party the only aceptable method per plan B rules? Sometimes it's just not practical due to timing to go through the third party. I want to minimize the impact on the kids as much as possible.

Any advice???

Unless it is a true emergency I would advice you to let everything else go through your third party. Tell your intermediary to convey that to her.

Just a thought on the e-mail in regards to the children.

I have never disagreed with TMCM, but I have to pipe in here because of recent revelations in my divorce.

The courts when determining if a H and W are capable of joint custody ( at least in this state) do look if the parents are capable in communicating in regards to the interests of the children.

My case, I was able to proove up that it is being done. Hangon, you dont have to go into long discussions with her, a simple reply on the e-mail of O.K., will suffice as the required communication, no further than simple acknowledgemnet, just simple yes or no, do not elaborate any further.

Anyhow, that was my two cents worth, Still love ya TMCM, but I had to add that

DaRookie

Thanks everyone.

WW emailed me this A.M. to say she is filing for Dv. Sucks that it has come to this, but this has always been a posibility. She says she's "ready to move on and start her life again".

I don't know if OM is still in the picture or not, and at this point don't care. I'm just sad to see that it may be over in less than 30 days. This just plain sucks!!!