I have read these boards in the past, but this is my 1st post. From what I've read I would label my WH a cake eater. He has been in A with a much younger coworker (he is a partner in co. she has worked for him) since begining of Aug.
WH has expressed desire to separate on 2 occasions but can't bring himself to do it - says he still loves me, doesn't want to lose kids , I'm his best friend, he's confused, but doesn't want to give her up...blah, blah, blah. We have been in counseling almost every week since start of this. Counselor says he is in midlife crisis - WH won't admit this.

In begin of crisis I was in shock and a mess...cried all the time, lost ton of weight, was unable to think of anything else. Went to Dr. who prescribed antidepressant. It didn't take long to feel better and stronger, although I still have the A on my mind 24/7. I have been in plan A ever since with a few setbacks.

With the holidays near, my WH told OW that he plans to stay with his family over the holidays and after that will decide whether to separate or not. He still wants to see her in the meantime (they have only ever seen ea other during office hrs). She cried and feels used. He told me that he cannot imagine separating before the holidays and has a hard time thinking about it at all. He never uses the word "divorce" - he just wants to date this girl for a while, stay in close contact with his family and come crawling back if he changes his mind. He's even called himself a cake eater. The OW is very naive and has no idea that he plans no future with her and her child. She thinks the only reason he is staying is because of kids.

BTW, WH and I get along great almost all the time. Lately he has been affectionate and very complimentary and has said a few times "I must be crazy...must be losing it."

My family and friends know about this as do quite a few people at his workplace. Our counseler told me to hang in there and that I am doing the right thing by encouraging him to stay home.

How long do I let his indecision last? I will admit that life has become easier now that I am focusing on "me". This allows me to stay off his rollercoaster (most of the time).

Any advise?


Thanks!
me 42/ WH 42
Kids 11, 6
D day 8/11/03

I wish I could give you the words of encouragement you need, but all I can say is I am sorry you are here.

One thought did cross my mind though, I am curious how naive she is going to be if and when he breaks it off with his employee, how long will it be before she files a sexual harrassment suit?.

Hang in there, it does sound like you are handling it well, there are others here more qualified to answer you than I.

God bless

DaRookie

Thanks for your reply, Rookie. You pose an interesting comment about sexual harrassment. Our MC keeps bringing this up to my WH and is very concerned. However, my WH says that OW isn't "like that" and would never do such a thing. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I can't decide if I should continue plan A over the holidays and let him continue to eat his cake or if I should resort to plan B.


Sunnysky

Me 42/ WH 42
Married 18 yrs
Kids 11, 6
DDay 8/11/03

Sunnysky,

As rookie said, sorry you are here.

I'm pretty new here myself and my WW is a cake-eater as well. I'm in plan B now (for 2 weeks) 3 months after D-day. Plan A was difficult for me because my W moved out 3 days after D-day. Probably the biggest comfort I can give you is that from what I have seen from my WW and read in SAA and on this board is most WS's act and re-act as though they are all reading the same script. I've almost been able to predict my WW's actions and feelings she is so textbook. So keep reading and ask questions when you need help or support. And deffinatly take care of yourself too. I to lost a ton of weight and still only sleep 4 hours a night, but its getting better. Try to stick with the MC/IC. IC has helped me alot. My WW had a reality check/meltdown last week and has FINALLY decided to get some IC. But, in the next breath, she wants to file for Dv. I know its tough to try and work with someone is thinking so irrationally and self-centered, but hang in there!

I wouldn't move to Plan B until you feel your feelings for WH are in jepardy. I know cake-eaters are the worst people to be in plan A with, but you have to give the best shot you can. In my case the rollercoaster was pure he77 as WW would run back and forth between me and OM. Nothing like getting some mixed signal and false hope before the coach sends you back to bench to sit out the next series. I know its tough, but hang in there!! It sounds like your WH is not as bad as my WW. At least he as some clue as to what the "right thing to do" is.

So hang in there and keep posting. We've all been there, and we're all behind you!!!

sunnysky -

hangnon gave good advice...read, read, read everything you can. And he's right when he says that all WS's act about the same. I found that out also when comparing details with OW's H. Even after having NC between them for about 2 months, both OW and my H were talking the same WS textbook crap. If the A wasn't so devastating, it would have been funny.

By reading here at MB and the books SAA and Not Just Friends, you'll learn a lot about what is going on and what will likely happen in the near future.

Good luck.

sss

Putting up with a "Cake Eater" is horrible. Been there, done that. I finally made what was the best choice of my life and started Plan B. After 6 weeks of Plan B, my husband came crawling back. He needed the wake-up call I guess. After almost 2 years, our marriage is thriving.

My husband wavered back and forth for almost a year, moving out for a couple of weeks and then moving back in. He was very confused and needed to realize what it would be to live without me. Plan B gave him that chance and he hated it.

What your husband is putting you thru is not fair, but stick with Plan A if you can handle it. Just don't let it destroy you.

Many Prayers,

Le

Sunnysky
me 42/ WH 42
married 18 years
kids 11 and 6
OW much younger coworker

Thanks to Hangnon, SSS, and Over and Over for all of your kind words of support. I wish I had found this site in August!

To Over and Over, How long did you put up with your cake eater before he left? I, too, feel that my cake eater would benefit and see the light if he was away from his family. However, anytime he talks about leaving it is with an apartment and a 7 month lease in mind. This brings up a whole new issue - financial issue! Also, I hate to see this happen to our kids right before the holidays. But you are right about me thinking of my sanity/well being. This is tearing me up inside and out.

I'm so happy that your marriage is on the mend. It sounds like you are very strong and have made some hard but necessary decisions to get there. It is a comfort to talk to someone who has "been there, done that", as most people cannot fathom the pain involved.
Thanks!


Sunnysky

Sunnysky,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How long did you put up with your cake eater before he left? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I let him waiver back and forth for a while and then I helped him move to his first apartment. I stayed in Plan A and after 2 weeks he wanted to move back home. About 2 months went by and I found out there was still contact so I helped him move into his 2nd apartment. Again, again after 2 weeks he moved back home.

Then, five months later contact resumed and I went straight for Plan B. He did his own moving this time into a 3rd apartment. I did not see him or talk to him for 6 weeks. This about killed him and he crawled back home crying and begging for forgiveness.

I started plan B right before Thanksgiving so we did the whole Holiday thing separated. Yes it was tough on the kids, but I think it helped to wake up my FWH. He sat alone in his dingy apartment. Not welcome at the OW family home and ashamed to go to his parent's home. The whole time, he knew that I still loved him and would welcome him back on my terms. Shortly after the New Year in 2002 he called crying.

I can't speak for you or your situation, but this worked for me. And our marriage is awesome now.

Our kids were 14 and 11 when this all started. Yes it was hard on the kids, but they are thriving now. We were probably more open with them about what was going on than we should have been, but we can't take that back now. My biggest thing is that I didn't want the kids to think that I was the one making my their dad leave. That it was his choices and I still loved him and would let him come home as soon as he was willing to get help and couseling. I was always very careful not to critisize or cut-down my husband in front of them. They could still see the hurt and pain though.

As far as the apartments, we went thru 3 apartments and he signed 6mo to 1yr leases on all of them. Everytime he decided to come home, he wrote a letter to the landlord explaining that he was reconciling with his wife and the landlord's let him out of the lease's. I think God was watching over us then.

We struggled financially, but we also realized that money isn't everthing and we have learned to be much happier with less.

I will keep you in my prayers!!

Le

sunnysky -Try to stay in Plan A if you possible can. I did not do Plan A at all and am sorry. H told me the same crap that your H does. After swearing 9 times that he cut off contact with OW, and I caught them back together I went to Plan B. Have been in it for 5 weeks and this weekend H and OW moved in together. They are having bad financial problems (I still can look at his bank statement online.) I am doing well, both financially and emotionally. Try to remember that this is like an addiction. I still think your marriage has a lot of hope. If possible give Plan A a longer try. Wish I could have taken my own advice, but it just got too much for me. Hang in there and take care of YOU and family.

I am also of the opinion that it would be to rough on the kids to do this at the holiday season, let them enjoy it, they are probably more than aware things are not right now and dont need the added stress, after the holidays and a good plan A, I'd let the hammer drop, you also have to think of yourself.

This is a very draining game that they are playing and you have to protect your sanity.

DaRookie