My WW emailed me to say she is filing for Dv (we already had a sep agreement so Dv will only take 20-30 days). Says she's "Ready to move on and start her life over". I'm in Plan B (2 weeks). If we do make it all the way to Dv, how long do I stay dark in Plan B after the Dv is final?

I hope she has not diluted herself enough to think that Dv is going to change the NC situation or that we'll magicaly become friends and start talking again?

I don't want to be mortal enemies with her the rest of our lives, especially since we have two children together. But, how long after the Dv will it be before I should/could open back up and atempt a friendly/civil relationship? I certainly don't want to miss out on portions of my childrens lives because I'm avoiding contact with exW. This just sucks big time!!!

I would like to think that there are posibilities that something could change before the Dv (her first IC session is today), but hope is fading fast. She has many personal issuse besides the A at work in her life right now, that I truely think she is jumping the gun by going to Dv after only 3.5 months of separation.

I don't know if OM is still in the picture or not, and really don't care. I just want my family back!!!

hangon, I'm really sorry to hear this, seems they keep slinging SH** into the fan and we just keep catching it. I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I have no plans what so ever to discontinue Plan B, first off I am still in extreme anguish, to say the least over the divorce. It was something SHE wanted, not I, and I have no control over how someone else feels or acts, espeacilly a irrational person. I do have control over how I FEEL.

With that said, I feel it is in my BEST interest to stay dark, out of protection for MY feelings.
She has attempted to contact me and engage in conversation via:e-mail several times since the D, I simply respond yes or no, to engage her would make me vulnerable to respond how I truly feel, I ask myself at this point, what do I have to gain?. The answer is always the same, nothing but lies from her which leads to further frustration.

Real simple as far as I look at it from that approach, why would I want to continue to stick pins in my eyes by talking to her and causing myself further pain. She has what she wants, let her deal with the ramifications of it.

I still dont give up that little voice in the back of my head that says IT WILL WORK OUT.

If she has moved on without the guilt and is so happy, why is she attempting to keep contact in ANY form, answer to me is, she does not want to close that door completely and is not as sure as she thought she was in her decision.

Take Care, I honestly feel upset for the pain you are going through, we dont deserve this, stay strong and know you are in my thoughts.

DaRookie

hangnon check this excerpt from Dr Harley's 'Surviving An Affair'(page 76):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If Jon followed my plan, and it failed, he would no longer have any feelings of love for Sue. In spite of Sue's affair, Jon was still in love with her. If their marriage had ended in divorce before he followed my plan, he would have missed her terribly. But my plan offered him something that would make a divorce much less painful - he would lose his love for her. The plan had the effect of withdrawing so many love units from Sue's account in his Love Bank that if their marriage ended in divorce, his love for her would be completely gone</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You still have plenty of love for your W, and because of this I would say that you still continue in Plan B (even after your divorce) until you lose all love for her. At that point it won't matter if you see communicate with her in person because you will have emotionally moved on with your life. So my vote is for you to continue with Plan B and its NC.

Thanks for the words.

I guess I just don't want give up and let go yet. I know that trying to reconcile after the Dv would be nearly impossible. But if I still have love for her, I would probably want to try. I just don't know if could subject myself to that again. If anything, I would want to do it for the sake of our children, even though my love for her would be enough by itself.

I know it's too early to think about, but I don't know what I would do if she realised the mistake (if it was one)she made and wanted to come back 6 mo-1 year after the Dv. If there is still love left, how do you let them know there may still be hope or a window of opertunity? I know...I'm holding on to tight, and need to let her go, and get on with my own life. It's just tough to let go of someone you've spent a third of your life with, and shared so many things with, good and bad. Right now that third of me is dying a slow and painful death. Thank God I have an IC appointment in about an hour!!

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<small>[ November 13, 2003, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hangnon:

I know it's too early to think about, but I don't know what I would do if she realised the mistake (if it was one)she made and wanted to come back 6 mo-1 year after the Dv. If there is still love left, how do you let them know there may still be hope or a window of opertunity? I know...I'm holding on to tight, and need to let her go, and get on with my own life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What good is it to take her back if she is not willing to let go of the OM and follow an MB marital recovery plan based on the four rules for a succesful marriage? It is her actions that will speak to you the loudest as to what her real intentions are. You would be setting yourself up for a false recovery, just like so many BS's that take their WS's back without them agreeing to the above.