I have had suspicions of the affair for over a couple of months. Tried confronting h but never had enough info until yesterday. So I confronted him w/it this morning. It sure felt like lb'ing, even though he was doing more of that than I.

I have been putting a lot of effort into plan A but most of that has been centering on my changes and i recently read here that the confrontation and termination of the affair is another part on the plan. (being used as a typical doormat until the past couple of days)

H had a lot of anger to blow off at me and most of it i could see as 'fog' talk also. Since our state allows for 'no-fault' div, he takes this as his option to do whatever he wants. i know it will take him a few days to calm down before i will see if there are any chances to work on this, so i am not going to let this conversation bother me too much.

I have made plans to tell as many family members and friends as i can in an attempt to make it harder for the affair to continue. But I feel really guilty in doing this. It is like letting the world now that our marriage is immoral. Even though my instincts are telling me to hide this, i plan on continuing to bring all this out in the open. after h found out that i stopped by to see his brother & sil(who unfortunately weren't home and i will have to get my nerve up to go over again) he has been really panicky over why i stopped there.

so. should i be telling everyone? i don't know if this will push my h away farther.

should i tell his boss, or coworkers? i don't believe the two of them work together, but h had a good relationship w/his boss who has high moral standards. but h has mentioned that he is partying w/one of the guys he works with, so i don't know how many people already know (but have already been told lies by h) of course, i wouldnt want him to lose his job right now since he is providing the only income.

i plan on either sending a message to the ow or confronting her on this situation. what do i say?

i told h that i could no longer sleep w/him and i don't really feel like giving him any affection right now. would it be a lb if i withhold those en's until he breaks it off w/her?

i do have a better grip on myself now that i have confirmed my suspicions and plan to stay in plan a for as long as i can. how do i avoid any disrespectful judgement of h over this affair.

should i try to limit the time h is allowed to spend w/ow? i am basically to the point that he could go live w/her so they can find out what a fantasy life they have. but he won't move out. should i tell him to go see her anytime?

any other advice on how to break them off would be appreciated. I know that time will be the most effective. (i was able to confirm that this has been going on for 3 months so they have probably already have had some lb's. but his addiction to her is very strong at this time.)

I think you should stick to Plan A. If OW has a H, he needs to be told. Try to let H's family know as part of natural consequences. I told SIL when she noticed I lost some weight. Then H told her he ws trying to get back with me, and I let SIL know that he could not give up other woman. That was 3 months ago. Now when she asks anything I let her know OW is still in the picture. So despite his lies, his family knows that OW is the main obstacle right now. I do not badmouth him to family, just let them know that it is hard to restore a marriage that has 3 people in it. Anyway right now get busy working on you, house cleaning, getting ready for holidays, fix up yard, car, exercise, go out with friends, etc. Try not to LB or discuss relationship. I told my H that I would not discuss our future with OW waiting in the wings. But if you concentrate on you and doing things, maybe you can avoid going into Plan B until later. Good luck, you are doing much better than I did. Keep it up.

I am checking out the ow's background, so far have not turned up a h, but I will know by next week. I am thinking about confronting ow this weekend (when i wouldn't have my youngest one w/me) but am not sure yet.

I will try to see brother & sil again tonight. H was acting nervous about this point and that has given me the confidence to include them. Sil is quite gossipy and so if this has all been going on behind their backs, it will get broadcast. i also may find out some info on ow from her. this is a small town that we grew up in, h and i went to school together there, and everyone knows everyone. we have lived on the other side of the county for the past ten years and i don't recognize her name.

i am looking back into myself again. many of the things h keeps bringing up are from the past that i have worked on changing, but i want to keep at this. i can now claim that my dishes have been done and put away every single night for the last 6 weeks, (longer for me, but since i was out of town the h couldn't know that) i am actually enjoying the time that it takes me to pick up the house and get dinner and dishes done every night as i use that time as a way to focus on my inner peace.

h came in tonight from work and is pretty mellow. asked me a couple of times if anything was up! and is everything ok! then we just had some small talk and he wanted a hug. I said not right now. I hope that isn't a lb, i wasn't trying to be mean, just need him to respect my space for a while. i know the hurt is still here and i don't like being second now that i now for sure there is someone else. H didn't have much time tonight to visit but then again, i don't know. so until he shows me that he has given her up, i don't think i can show much affection for him.

life will go on. all i can do is smile and enjoy the best parts of it!

I would take my time, and not confront the OW. When I confronted her she just laughed and said "At least I don't drive by and say NaaNaa I've got your husband." Then she said that she and my H would be by my house to talk to me about how things were going to be. All it did was make me furious. However if you find that she is married, her H should be told. That will help, when the A is out in the open. Sounds like you are doing alright all things considered. Stay in Plan A and take good care of yourself.

the weekend has progressed fair enough. the blues hit me some but all i showed h was affection and told him i hurt over this.

he is so far in denial it isn't really funny. he can't understand what i am hurt over. and then sunday nite he goes back to his story of taking a long drive in for work. kept saying it was so much easier w/his taking the extra time. kept messing up his story on how he gets to work.

so, now today. h says he has to work late and i can go get christmas shopping started. does he know what he is letting himself in for? we have separate bank accounts but he said he will write a check to me when he gets in. i wonder if that is for any amount? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

telling the brother and sil went ok. they are kind of funny people, i know she is a gossip person yet she never asked who or where she lived. probably out checking out my story by now. brother seemed very tense and upset the whole time i was there. (h's brother) i told my other sil that it was true and that i wanted her h to know but she wouldn't tell him. (h's other brother)

i have collected some of the email list from h's friends at work but not sure whether to email them or talk in person. (they have met me before) his boss, i haven't found a last name or number for, but i should be able to soon.

i also have had no luck on turning anything up on ow. apparently her other phone number has been disconnected and somebody went by and checked the house over the weekend and said it is vacant. i am going to do another drive over there tonight to confirm that as maybe the person i had go by didn't have the right house.

i am just rambling on and on here. i am hoping the h gets in from work late enough tonight to go straight to bed. i am kind of in an lb mood over his getting away w/this. he seems to act like i will just get over the a and we will go on. then at times it seems like his guilt gets to him and he acts like i will div him over this. i can't really decide yet.

but i am having a hard time knowing that she is getting her en's filled by him. and i'm not.

Try to hang in there on Plan A a little longer. If you don't think you can do it, maybe set a deadline in your mind (like Jan. 10). That way you may be able to stand it. I just couldn't do it, and now my H is living with OW. But he spent all his time and money on her while completely igoring me. It was just too much. Don't worry about his attitude - he's deeply in the fog. Keep investigating and take care of you and family. Maybe he will give you a BIG check for Christmas shopping, especially if he is feeling guilty. Try to hold on to some of it. Good luck, you are being very patient and doing well considering the stress you are living under. Keep posting, lots of great support and ideas here. Also don't be surprised if his family all side with him, he may give them some crazy story. Don't take it personally.

i'm hanging on to plan A. I just have to keep telling myself this over and over. I have set the deadline for the first of the year, but sometimes wish that this didn't have to include the holidays.

the shopping went well, i found some stuff for the youngest kids, but the h was being very stingy on money. i gave an amount, with a little left over for me, but then had to verify exactly what i spent that on so i didn't get my extra! H has went back to denial of anything, so i guess he is denying guilt over this also!

h is stopping over to see his brother tonight, but i have plans with my daughter so i may not have to deal with h until late. funny thing, seems like a lot of illness is going around his shop lately. he has called three times in the last week to say a coworker is taking off the day to deal with family illness so my h has to work late. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My Christmas wish is that this would all get over with soon.