Hi DD,

I'm glad for you that Turkey day went relatively well.I had a very hard time but got through it.Christmas is next.Glad to hear that you sound strong.Keep up with the good Plan B.I'm in Plan A for now after a pseudo separation this past week.Keep us posted.

October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Octgirl

Glad for your encouragement. I am not strong. Like I tell my friends, some days are bad and then other days.....they're horrible.

Sat was the worst day of the holiday week-end. I was just feeling down from the start and then one of the kids tells me they are going to start staying over at WW a few days a week. She has been trying to get them there for a week or so.

Anyway after re-gaining composure I explained to them all the reasons they should stay at home during school days but told them the final decision would be theirs.

I am watching your posts and feel for you. Would have liked to have said something to comfort you the other day but I had no answers for you and did not want to lead you in the wrong direction.

I do think you are on the right track with plan A while your H is gone.

Glad to get back to work this week. Seems work keeps me occupied and week-ends seem to be the worst.

Stayin' dark. DD

DD
Glad to hear that your Thanksgiving was ok and sorry to hear about the kids. It's gotta be so hard to have them in the middle and WW is fighting for them and you're trying to not use them as pawns. It sounds like you did very well telling them that it was their choice to make. Amazing. I don't know if I could do that with my dog let alone the kids. I'm holding tight to what I can.

You're right some days are hard and some are harder. There's no doubt this sucks and it tries to drain the life out of you. But you gotta go on and keep your eyes on God. Hug your kids, go on walks, do your best to love them, but don't try to buy their love. Maybe you can get them to help with stuff around the house, but teenagers are an ornery sort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Best of luck with the rest of the holidays. We'll all hang in there.

Hi again DD,

I hear ya. I too have had some pretty hard days in between the rest. I have started to go to my mom's house when I can't bear WH in the same room with me. It is also hard re: the kids. The loneliness that invades my soul when my girls are out with WH are excrutiating at times.So, I have to get right up off the chair and get busy.Boy,is it hard to do sometimes.

It is said that GOD doesn't give you more than you can handle but I keep thinking,this is a DOOZY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Wouldn't it be great if all of us here lived near eachother and could hang out and swap stories and help eachother? No one knows exactly what we are going through like we all do here.

Also,thanks for thinking of me but I understand about not posting, sometimes,it is just enough to read.Some days I don't have the energy to post myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />



October

roller Thanks for thinking of me and for the support. Especially since I know this is a rough time for you now also. The girls have decided to go ahead and spend 2-3 nights this week at their mothers. I am so depressed, thinking she is going to get into their heads and I will end up losing them if Dv happens. I tried to explain to her (via intermediary e-mail - I'm a plan B'er ya know) that if she cared about kids welfare she wouldn't disrupt the stability of their lives by having them there on school nights. She only thinks of self.

October The loneliness is excruciating. I need to keep busy and although I have lots to do around the house I have trouble motivating due to the Christmas triggers I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It would be nice to get together over coffee and talk. I have an e-mail here somewhere and would love to chat if you want.

I keep thinking 3+ weeks til Christmas and this has got to get better. My AD's aren't worth a hoot now, I think its the holiday and the extra stress.

Anyway I'm taking this rollercoaster one day at a time but I think I,m stuck because I have been at the bottom of the loop for 4 straight days now.

Stayin' dark. DD

devestated, hang in there it does take a bit before the AD's kick in, the differance is not that great, but it does make a differance.

This was my first holiday without my son and it sucked, to put it mildly.

Seems the WS gets the best of all, someone elses they already moved on to, the son and I have to pay child support for a decision that I had no choice in, but that is what the good Lord gave us to deal with.

DaRookie

Hi DD,

Antidepressants I think really helped me get through the toughest spells although now when I feel like I want to cry,it just goes away,I can't cry.It's weird.I don't know if it's the pills or just that I am not that wounded anymore? Not sure.

Christmas is my favorite holiday and it definitely stinks that we are all going through this at this time of year.I really want to LB my WH bigtime sometimes for doing this to me during the holidays.He has wrecked two entire families holidays in fact not just mine.Ugh.I think too of all the happy times and how I made such a happy festive home each year,etc,etc.

I would like to chat with you also but I have an e-mail account that is on our home computer,so WH could see.Not sure how that could work.Any ideas let me know.Maybe "talking" at certain times when I knew I could check right away might help?

Anyway,hope you are having a better day today.I am going to hang around and read.

October
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi All,

Hope you don’t mind me joining your group, but I too have recently started Plan B, only it’s a little different for me. My WH has no trouble NOT calling, NOT emailing, effectively staying out of contact except when it comes to anything about our youngest son who is 6. 6 yo is the only child to visit him, our other child is 17 and refuses to see him , talk to him , etc. I think this bothers him but really have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling. I’m considering the intermediary for email but at the moment, since my WH has no issue not contacting me I’m not sure it’s necessary?? Thoughts?

My hardest times too come when my youngest son spends the night with his dad, which only happens every other weekend for one night, but that night alone is a doozy. I can’t believe how much I rely on my youngest child to keep my mind off my WH. He keeps me busy playing games, talking (he’s quite the chatterbox), etc.

I’m still hoping that my WH will want to come home, but at this point it doesn’t seem like that will happen. It seems like he’s more than happy to comply with my Plan B/No Contact request and that it actually makes life easier for him. Does anyone else feel this way?

We are currently in the process of divorcing, although this is NOT what I want and I’ve told my WH that many times. I’m delaying as much as possible, but who knows. I’m hoping with the holidays and my WH not seeing his children that maybe he’ll get a big dose of reality – what life without your children will be like. I’m definitely going away for Christmas with the kids and he won’t get to partake in all the festivities – he just gets one small day, which I don’t think will be the same. . . . .

Hope

October girl,
Open a new account that your H won't know about, such as a Hotmail acct. That's what I did a few months back, when I was corresponding with WH's sister about WH's activities at work (sil works w/H and OW.) That way, you won't have to beat your H to the computer to intercept DD's mail.

Didn't mean to horn in, just thought it might help...

MOP

Thanks MOP,

I was thinking about that myself today.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

October

Hi Hope4best,

If your WH is not contacting you regularly,perhaps an e-mail intermediary isn't necessary.

Your WH sure sounds like he's not hanging around for anything.I don't know your whole story but it was only in October that the affair was brought out right? Is he divorcing to be with the OW?

It's hard to feel that you have no control when one wants a divorce and you don't.Helpless comes to mind although what can you do but stall I suppose,but it may only momentarily prevent the inevitable.Plan B is what you should be in and it's working for him yes.

I would imagine that's what he wants and I too feel that it is sometimes helping my WH not deal with us and our marriage.I'm not really sure what Plan I am in actually,Part A/B/separation.WH is in another state for a job for 3 months and supposedly not in contact with OW(lives in another country).Al we can do id try to focus on ourselves,that's what I am doing mostly right now.

October

Octobergirl,

You're right, it was only in October that he confessed. Month of October was spent living separately but in the same house with him vascillating between me and the OW. He physically left 11/1, they cut contact from 11/3 through 11/6, 11/7 back in contact, 11/12 he filed and 11/17 I was served.

You're right, it seems that Plan B is working for him, but hopefully what it'll do for me is make me more confident to go on without him. 19 years is a long time and it's hard to move forward, but little by little I hope to find my way. I guess all I can hope is that he decides she isn't as perfect for him as he thinks and that his relationship with her is just like his marriage, only without the support and love of your children and family. I'm hoping Christmas without his children will be eye opening for him, but I'm not sure. I think the only thing he regrets is that he is starting to realize that his relationship with his oldest child is non-existent now and that was his decision.

Hope

Hi again Hope,

I hear ya. I have been with my WH for 19 years too and that's more than half my life! It seems really weird to even contemplate being with anyone else someday.I had wanted for my WH and I to grow old together.I still do but who knows.Somedays I am totally disgusted that he actually was intimate with someone else.Ugh.

One thing is for sure though,if my WH is so darn set on making his movie career the priority after all we have been through,it is going to co$t him BIGTIME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

October

October

Thanks as usual for the support. I use Yahoo e-mail as it is free and I can access it from any internet computer. ( layback85@yahoo.com - when you get bored)

I too sometimes think that I won't be able to be intimate with my WW if she does come back. Too much betrayal and disgust but I am going to hang on for a little longer as DV has to be horrible also.

Hope

Welcome to the plan B club, stick with it. Even if it doesn't effect him it should make you stronger if the DV does go through.

Away I go back into my cave. Check ya all later.

Stayin' dark. DD

Hi DD,

If I can get onto yahoo,I'll give you a jingle.I have to ask my dad about setting it up since we do have yahoo but it's got my WH name all over it.

Oct

OK - now what.

In plan B for 4 weeks, don't feel any better and now WW serves me with <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> divorce papers.

I think she is really angry that I would not talk to her per plan B.

What kind of woman (or man) would serve divorce papers this time of year knowing nothing will happen until next year anyway?. What kind of person would do this to their children? I don't care that she drops this on me, but to do this to the kids - she is really p*ssed at me I do believe and can't see what she is doing to the girls.

Any thoughts, suggestions, input, medical advice, good attorney names, free one way ticket to Jamaica or compassionate comments would be greatly appreciated at this time.

Was stayin' dark.

DD

Ok, here is my opinion on your situation and what
I think is the best way to handle things from this
point on.....

1) Focus all of your energy on being a happy and
confident man. You have to realize that there is
nothing wrong with you NOW, and if and when she
comes back that she needs to come back to a man
who seems happy with life, is a confident person
and a mature man. You are going to be fine whether
she comes back to you or not, and she will come back much faster when she senses that you may have
let go.

Remember a very true and simple fact...
Women usually follow their FEELINGS. So, the key
is that when her FEELINGS change, then your situation has the best chance to work...

Women are attracted to happy, confident men who
they view as STRONG..(emotional strength)
When they FEEL that attraction, then it does not
matter if you are a millionaire or a bagboy at the
local grocery store.. They will follow their heart....

So, at this point, since you already wrote the
Plan B letter, then you must carry it out and
leave her alone. If you do have contact at some point, then throw out all thoughts of a relationship talk. Just be nice, be friendly,sound happy, sound confident, and let her
wonder why the sudden change in demeanor from you.

Learn to end all contact first,(nicely of course)
and let her view a happy, confident man, who seems
very busy with his life and has no time for a woman who has told him she chooses to leave...

If you do those very simple things, then at some point she will wonder if the reason you have stopped all pursuit, is because you have let go..
She will wonder (and ask you) if you have met another woman, which of course will trigger her
jealousy button. She then will start to FEEL attraction again because of the reasons that I stated above... (remember Carolkh)....

That is the blueprint of how it almost ALWAYS works, if you do the happy, confident man routine and do it consistently....

Keepmvn4wrd

Question: Plan B really p*ssed her off. The part about "no end A no talk" - I did not talk and she tried to physically corner me a couple of times and I did some real LB's. So needless to say she has this real anger toward me.

The dv papers will require me to respond within 30 days and I must protect myself so I don't think she will really like me when she gets mine.

So I already have ended all contact and it hasn't been nice. She doesn't have the opportunity to see a happy, confident, busy man because she doesn't have any contact with me at all.

Sooo....do I start easing my way back into her life (probably verbally or e-mail) to let her see that I have let go and am moving forward with my life (happily and confident) Or do I just continue with my plan B and let things fall where they may?

Carolhk had constant contact with her H and I believe it would be hard to do a 180 without contact.

DD

DD
I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Being served right now seems especially cruel. While I don't have any financial, legal or vacation advice for you, I would focus on the two points you made about the Dv proceedings. 1. You can't/won't do anything about it until next year. 2. You have 30 days to respond. My suggestion is to tuck them away and make the best of the holidays. I have no doubt that they will still be on your mind but they don't have to be on the kitchen counter for a minute by minute reminder.

This is kind of what I'm doing about my WW as we are in Plan B. She would like to get together to talk before the holidays and I'm not going to do it because I've only recently started to feel comfortable in my own skin and confident that I'm going to survive this. As a result, I don't want her upsetting my delicate applecart right before Christmas. I did buy her a token Christmas gift though. That might be a breach of Plan B too but it is still Christmas and God's love surpasses all.

I'm sure it was a huge shock. Crawl back into the cave, kiss the dog and hug the kids or vice versa. They love ya.

I'll keep praying for you. Best wishes

DD,
your W is pissed and if you think about it that's a good thing! if she didn't care then she probably wouldn't show any emotions at all!

as to the D papers...respond as you must...just ask your lawyer to draw things out for as long as he/she can.

as for your W's anger so what? when i read your post i get a sense that you're afraid of what your W hurting her feeling or what she may do. well DD, if you think about it, what more can she do?

why be afraid? i don't know what your married life was like before the roof caved in but i get the feeling that your W kind of chose the tunes that you both danced to...and she's kind of used to getting her own way with you. well if so, then with the inception of plan B you've gone ahead and changed the ground rules on her.

as things are right now she isn't getting everything her way and you're forcing her to deal with a new you...some one she doesn't really know or understand...and this is nothing but GOOD! GREAT in fact. hence she files for D hoping to gain back control of these events and to bring you to heel.

now is the time to be strong! don't let her into your head. if you give into her now you'll never be able to fix this thing the way they need to be fixed.

understand....you no longer have anything to lose! go forward...that's my advice.

good luck.
coach