My husband and I are working through the affair he had with a married woman who lives in our community. She gave him several gifts including music cd's, a book, some t-shirts, a gold chain with a cross, and several love letters. I discovered them one by one in various places in our house. I have asked him several times to get rid of them; take them out of the house, send them back to her in the mail, put them in the trash. I has been several weeks and he has not yet removed them from his hiding place which I know of. He says he wants to get rid of them on his own.....not have it forced on him. I feel he is not respectful of my request. What should I do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Patt Pettis:
<strong>I feel he is not respectful of my request. What should I do? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is A ended ? is A out in the open ?

-rh-

<small>[ November 16, 2003, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I feel that we are in the midst of plan A. I have made every effort to fulfill the unmet needs that he blames me for not meeting----thus his affair. It has not been difficult to do this. In fact, it has been rewarding for me to show my love for him. We are having wonderful sex, and the only arguments stem from his affair. I do admit there are times when I regress and obsess about his affair and he gets very defensive. He has stopped his contact with her although for about 6 weeks she continued to email and call him. I found the phone numbers on the cell phone bills and after several expressions of my disdcontent that she was still in contact with him, he told her to stop calling. Having the gifts in the house keeps the memory of the affair there for me as much as it does for him----only it is an unpleasant memory for me, unlike what it is for him.

I am often tempted to take the gifts, put them in a box and set them on her doorstep!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pattibella:
<strong>I am often tempted to take the gifts, put them in a box and set them on her doorstep!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am incline to say do it! you have to do it if he won't ! but I would to get more info. first.

How long have you in plan A ? How is your love unit in his LB$ ?. Have you 2 fillin ENq & LBq and discuss it ?. How long his A last ? how it ended ? How long ago ?.

-rh-

OK....some history. I am new to this website and am finding it so helpful! I just ordered the books, "Surviving the Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs". I don't know all of the acronyms you are using....but here is the history:

Affair started 5/03
I confronted him 8/9/03 after putting some clues together (cell phone bill)
He denied, denied, denied....then 2 days later I found love letters and an intimate phone message from her on his cell. That night he took off to her house (her husband was out of town) but came home the next day. I told him I was dug into this relationship.....he had a choice to make: her or me. I told him he needed to stop all associations with her. He said he would but up thru 9/03 I found phone # on his cell phone from her---he said she called him, he didn't call her.
So, we have been married 19 yrs, have 5 wonderful kids D - 18, 13, 10; S - 17, 12. I started counseling 9/03 and he joined me 10/03. His claim is I am emotionally disturbed and have been for all of our 19 years. He blames me for his affair saying "I told him to do it". He feels he did what he had to do and "feels bad that he did what he did" but has no remorse, regret. He flaunted it at his workplace and many people there knew about it before me. She is a customer at his work place and so had reason to continue to go there and be in his presence. His cocky attitude about his affair caused his boss to force him to resign from his job. Now I don't have to worry about him and her at the work place but we live in the same neighorhood and I have seen her at the grocery store, driving by while he and I go for walks, etc. What a mess.
I could go on.....but my hang up now is the gift issue and that he will not openly express affection for me. Oh, we have great sex but the day to day "Honey, I love you" is not there. And that hurts me alot.

It sounds like your FWH had an emotional attachment to the OW and thus is reluctant to throw those gifts out, though he should out of respect for your pain. Consider that many times something unexpected happens to a lot of men who have a PA(physical affair) with a OW, and that is that they end up having deep feelings for the woman even though they may not want to admit it to themselves. This may be the case with your FWH.

Why not consider the idea of you getting rid of those items, slowly one at a time. For example, one week you grab the CD and throw it in a garbage bin far away from home, the following week or two you do the same with the other stuff. If these items, are not seen they may end up being out of his mind for good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pattibella:
<strong>I could go on.....but my hang up now is the gift issue and that he will not openly express affection for me. Oh, we have great sex but the day to day "Honey, I love you" is not there. And that hurts me alot. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you read SAA you would understand what he is going through. He is in withdrawal. His A is ended not long ago. You need to hang in there adn vent in here. I would wait a bit longer and let his grieve pass before acting out. Take the high road. Let also MC work on him, that is why you pay him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> for. However bring the issues up, be honest with your needs and don't hide it but don't LB.

-rh-

I posted something about this in GQII about the "unexploded mines" gifts from OPs actually are .. but you may need to wait for his grief to pass before you can get him to see this.

When he does, sieze the day.

way2

<small>[ November 20, 2003, 08:39 AM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

One of the obstacles a betrayed spouse faces is a sense that the wayward spouse is some how still loyal to the affair....not saying the OP but the affair.

This can be many things. An unwillingness to talk about the affair is the most common.

But keeping gifts from the OP can be another.

So keep that in mind.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and suggestions. I brought up the issue with my WH again and he agreed to get rid of everything but want to give the gold cross and chai back to her. He said he would use a "middle person" to get it to her. He won't tell me when or who----says it is not my business. I disagreed. Days went by (past he day he said it would all be gone) and I brough the issue up at counseling. when asked if they they were gone, he replied that he didn't have time to take care of it. I expressed my dissatisfaction of his dawdling and how he wanted to use an anonymous middle person. Our counselor suggested that he bring the items to her and she would see that the items get returned to the OW. I think this is a fine idea.....my WH did'nt say much. We'll see what happens at our next counseling session. I reminded him that there is no longer a place for secrets in our marriage especially in reference to the A or the OW.