My H never called, wrote or acknowledge his children for Christmas. Which was the worst thing a father can do, besides abandoning them which he has also done. He was such a great and loving father. It really boggles my mind how he can do what he is doing to our children!<P>I called his work Monday, after the Christmas weekend. I figured he would be there. They said he took leave until January 3rd!!! He told my 6 yr old and myself about 3 weeks ago that he did not have any vacation time left. He would be staying in Florida. So I called the OW house in Alabama, I had a gut feeling that he went there for Christmas and spent it with her 2 kids. Sure enough he answered the phone like he owned it!! I said "Oh, so YOU ARE at Jennifer's house." He hung up so fast when he heard my voice and it registered it was me. I guess he did not have the guts to admit what he did.<P>How could he do that to his family? He is avoiding me, and our children. The OW keeps taunting me by sending me messages on-line, like "Get over it." which was on the 21st. Then on Thursday she sent me a message "Getting some grub with my sweetie. I might be back. *web* xo" I don't know what *web* means but it can;t be something less than a sacastic jab at me. She is enjoying being a homewrecker. I guess she thinks she has a prize. Little does she know it is a trophy made with egg shells which is eventually going to crack. I deleted my ICQ account so she can't send me her kind messages any longer.<P>I just wish I knew how to get through to my husband. At least to open the lines of communication. He won't even talk to me or his children! Why? Is he afraid if he does that he will realize how much he loves and misses us? We do love him and miss him and this is really hurting our children more than he knows or cares!<P><P>------------------<BR>///I_B///

The problem with your H might be guilt or shame. Could you honestly face your children after all of that? It's a shame the children have to lose out on him too. <BR>We've all been thru something at least similar. Try to be patient and most of all breathe. <BR>I'm sorry I can't be of alot of help to you but everyone here will listen. They are a very caring bunch. They've helped me alot.<BR>My thoughts are with you and your children.<BR>Mitzi

IB,<P>Your husband is in deep denial... and is building up his skills at lying...<BR>It comes with the territory of the addictive nature of affairs.<P>Do you have the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley... yet?<P>A few quotes... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very <B>powerful</B> addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You do seem to be "abandoned" in every sense of the word... are you going for any "legal" protection?... (I don't mean divorce.)<P>Do you have any counswling for yourself?...<P>Keep us up on things...<P>It will be a slow weekend... but it will pick up tomorrow night and Monday!<P>Jim

IB,<P>Jim and mitzi are 100% right.<P>You H probably has no clue to what his real fellings are.<P>D...don't<BR>E...even<BR>N...no <BR>I...I<BR>A...am<BR>L...lieing<P>Sad but true. It is a terrible place to live.<P>Keep talking to us.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill and Mitzi are all right. I have been there. Im not a home wrecker but an affair happened before i knew it. He will come around. Im coming around now. This is such a hurtful thing. He is so confused right now. I promise you in the back of his mind you and the children are there. He does love you and the children. Thank god I dont have any and going through this. My h is still in the blind he isnt aware of the affair yet. But, i have been there in his shoes right now. And i promise you are more present than she is. She is very deceitful, she must be a home wrecker your right. However, not for long she wont be. He will realize. That is just a temporary thing. God Bless you dear. And talk to God... he will take care of you!

I guess I just wish I could tap into his head and find out what he is thinking and why he is doing all this. You just think over and over again 'WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END??" You wish it would just all blow away or you'd wake up.<P>My 9 yr old daughter was sitting in the middle of our living room this morning. Just staring out the window. I asked her what she was up to and she replied that she was just thinking about how she does not have a daddy any more and what she did to make him hate her so much. I told her that daddy is just confused right now and loves her. That she always will always have a dad and that she can be mad at him right now because I am upset too. But that it is not her fault and their is nothing anyone can do other than dad. <P>Moments like that tear me up. I just wonder how my husband, who for almost 11 yrs doted on his kids, would take my daughter piggyback to bed and read she and my son stories every night, would take her to scouts and do school projects and have more fun then she did, could be so cold right now. It infuriates me that he is taking care of this other woman's sons and not his own.<P>I am one of those people who believe in until death do us part. I have had moments of weakness but NEVER thought of leaving my husband for another man. I had self control and my husband was always first on my mind. I thought of him and our children. How could he do this to me? <P>I just don;t understand how he can shut me out. Not even communicating to tell me off. I get comments from the OW, like "get over it". Not a word from my husband. Why? Has he totally written me off? In the back of my mind I think that if he did talk to me or our kids, he might then realize his love for us and want to come back. No more denial at that point. <P>What is going to cause him to communicate with us? How long does it take people to wake up?

I'm sitting here w/tears rolling donw my cheeks.<P>There is no easy answer.<P>I'm sending my positive thinking post back up. This is my reality.<P>Praying for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I wanted to restrain myself from writing my husband but I could not. I wrote him this letter this morning. I am still so hurt and angry for how he treated our children. I don't know how he can stand himself. I would be running back to my spouse and kids begging for forgiveness. I love my husband and I just don;t understand how he can treat us all this way. I probably should not have sent it as it will do no good. <P><BR>Quotes from a letter wrtten by him:<BR>"I love our children<BR>immensely and would never do anything to hurt them and<BR>only want the best for them. So why, you're asking,<BR>am I doing this? Well, I don't know if I could break<BR>it down for you into logical thought patterns but it<BR>is something, to be perfectly honest, I think I<BR>probably would have done a long while back if I would<BR>have been more matured/experienced/ or whatever word<BR>it is. "<P> <P>So if you "love our children immensely and would never do anything to hurt them and want only the best for them".......<P>Why did you hurt them and make them think you do not love them by forgetting them at Christmas? How could you hurt your own innocent children in that way? What have they done to you to deserve that treatment? THESE ARE YOUR OWN CHILDREN!!!!!!!!! Luckily A.is too young to know what she missed on Chirstmas but it hurt me just the same knowing that her daddy does not care enough about our family to even send a card.<P>Then to find out that you lied to both J , A and myself, AGAIN. Telling us you could not come home for Christmas because they would not let you take any leave over the holidays. YOU TOLD J THIS AND A!! How can you lie to your OWN CHILDREN!!! A called for you at work on the 28th and was told by Sgt. R that you were on leave until January 3rd. Do you know how upset she was that you were on leave and could not even take a day to come see her? Do you know how angry and hurt our children are right now? DO YOU CARE?<P>We all know where you were because when A got off the phone with your work. I called you in Alabama at Jennifer's house. You had the nerve to answer the phone like you were at home there. How could you betray us over and over again? We mean that little to you? <P>I am tired of being badgerd by your hooch J. Does she enjoy the fact that she and you are causing so much pain to so many people? I will change the number to our house again so she and her buddies can;t call here any more. I also deleted the ICQ account so she can;t write me any more messages saying "Get over it" or "getting some grub with my sweetie. I might be back and talk to you later." I don't know what lies you have filled her head with, but I am not the bad guy here and nor are our children!! Does it make you feel good that she is hurting me and your children also? <P> I did not lie to you, abandon you, or cheat on you and leave you for someone else and desert our children. You are not pregnant and alone. You don;t have to answer our chilren when they ask why their daddy does not love them. You don't have to feel the hurt and the pain we feel day after day because someone you love my than the life threw you in the garbage!<P>Maybe I did not know you as well as I thought. I thought I married a loving and caring man, who would always protect me and our children. Why don't you just come shoot us and get it over with? Instead of killing us over and over again!! Who is this person you have become? You are putting everything you held so dear in jeopardy. For what? <P>Why are you doing this to our family and to yourself? What did we ever do to you, but love you? <P>I truly hope that you go get some help for yourself before it is too late. Your family and your career meant everything to you. Now they mean nothing. Where has my husband gone? <P>We love you still, regardless of all the pain you are putting us through. I just don't know how you can put our children through so much pain. I just don't know how. You always loved them so much!!! How can you do this?<P><BR>---------<P>------------------<BR>///I_B///

I_B,<P>FYI... Think of starting new posts even for continuing topics especially if there is a new twist... <P>About your letter...<BR>I want to be as gentle about this as possible... but...<BR>it was a big-time <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>. <P>I'll be honest with you though... I too, before I found MB used to send letters(e-mails) like this to my W too! And a whole lot meaner and nastier...<BR>But it was wrong... <P>It was wrong... not because of your logic, reasoning, etc. is wrong (you are 110% correct in everything you say)... but it was wrong because you are pushing him away!<P>A <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> is anything that will make your spouse unhappy. Clearly your words... whether intended to or not will make him unhappy. Yes the truth hurts... (mostly him believe it or not!)<P>Read my post on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>! It emphasizes that if you are in this for the "long haul"... you need a more <B>pure</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>If you need to write the letter... write it~... show it to us at the MBF!... then... <B>don't send it</B>. Vent <B>here</B>! Here it is safe and non-judgmental.<P>The <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> is now "under the bridge"... Don't knock yourself out silly over it! Honest. You will (if you are human) make several more over the course of the next few days/weeks/months... <B>It's OK!</B><P>Hey.... didn't I say <B>we</B> love you... yet... well if not.... <B>WE DO!</B><P>What to do next for you...<P>Well...<P>I guess I would write another letter to you H explaining how upset you were... and then letting him know you didn't mean to hurt him. Let him know that you really can give him that "safe" environment to come back to! No more judgments on your part. Is this hard... <B>D@mn hard</B>!!!! But this is what will help you in the long-run... honest. <P>Prayers along the way... <P>Jim