JGNC
I agree, not the time to make quick decision.
Besides if you approach her now you may not be able to find out as much because she may start to cover tracks more carefully knowing you are watching.

To keep a clear mind, brace yourself.

The problem now is that any other stress sends me into a tailspin. It's bad, because even if I am not LB at her other stress is putting me past the threshold, the result is she sees that very unattractive side of me. As a whole life is becoming to great a burden.

jgnc,

Are you okay?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As a whole life is becoming to great a burden. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are trying to deal with a lot of trauma and it sounds as though it may be getting tougher not easier?

I think you should seriously consider anti-D's. If you are philosophically opposed to them or have health concerns, there are herbal remedies that I've heard can be quite effective. If you are interested, I can enquire about ones that are safe and effective from a medical perspective.

As redhat says, the ride is lengthy. It takes a while for anti-d's or other remedies to kick in and give you some emotional stability so don't try to tough it out if you are feeling as low as you sound.

concerned for you...awed

No, I'm not ok, but I will hang in there. I have an IC appointment set for tomorrow.

Stress is just building and building upon itself.
As long as I feel the way I am right now Plan A will fail, I am accutely aware of that, which is adding to the stress.

After seeing how much they helped my W in the past, I am no longer philosophically opposed to ant-D's. I still do not see them as a long term solution. I will talk to my doctor about it, when ever he decides to return my call.

JGNC
Hi. Is the stress that you are dealing with more related to your M or other things? Of course dealing with the M and Inf issues, in itself is stressful. But can you pinpoint what your concerna are right now or whihc areas may be weighing on you more. If it is related to concerns about your M, trying to making some emotional detachment or seperation may be helpful

As previous poster stated, anti-D's may help. Harley recommends them also if you feel it is needed.

If some of the stress relates to trying to control your situation or WS, then you realize that you can't control what is happening but you can control your response. I highly recommend the site that helps you deal with irrational thinking/ addictive thinking. www.rational.org.nz

POst POst POst.

Things change rapidly. Last night when I discovered C I was livid, but I managed to calm down. However I think I was very vulnerable.

Later that night something else happened unrelated to M or work. Looking back yes it was a difficult situation to deal with but I could have dealt with it easily enough. It felt like everything was crashing down around me. The stress was literally debilitating. It was a repeat of last monday when the work issues hit hard. I hated having her see me like that. W helped me out of it but ofcourse it had a cost.

Today I saw her for lunch and I could tell something was wrong. What finally came out of her was that she felt manipulated by my emotions. As best as I can tell, having to care about my emotions prevents her from acting selfishly and she resents it. That's me coloring it. What she said was that because she has to care about my being depressed she has to stay in an unhappy situation and that she deserves better. She also told me that I needed to see an IC. Apparently she thinks there is something wrong with me that is makng me react so strongly to the EA. Apparently I'm too idealisitic, so the EA was more devistating than it should have been. grrrr.

So pick a stress. I'm doing my best to think things through rationally. What I need to do is focus on work, see the IC tomorrow and continue to improve myself. Only by doing this will Plan A be effective.

sigh.

JGNC (JGNC quotes in italics)
I've found in these situations that things do change rapidly. It seems almost like a day to day, week to week, constant, cycle of events that occur. For me it helps to have as much foresight as possible. I mean anticipating that WS may slip up. That this may happen or that. Giving yourself a type of shock treatment. Becasue as sang by the Hollies The Road is long with many a winding turn...

Did you find about the C if it was only a week ago or more recently? If knowing about possible C with OM adds to stressors, and dosen't allow you to do a good Plan A, then it may be best not to know so much about C. However if you can use what you discover with/o LBing to your advantage then it may be helpful.

"I hated having her see me like that. W helped me out of it but of course it had a cost."
What was the cost? Do you feel that you WS expects you to maintain a "strong" apperance all the time? If so, then maybe you will have to find another route to deal with stress and confide in someone else.
"Apparently she thinks there is something wrong with me that is makng me react so strongly to the EA".

Try not to allow WS critcism to side track you. How can an offender tell the offendee (I don't think this is a word) how devastating an event should be?

"As best as I can tell, having to care about my emotions prevents her from acting selfishly and she resents it."

Though WS sounds very selfish, her perspective may be cloudy. Ok you've been manipulative. She has had an A. Your manipulation
doesn't change what she's done. However if WS is stuck at feeling she has to be defensive because you are trying to make her feel sorry for you, then she is missing the point. But if you remove manipulation from the picture she can see her error for what it is, free from manipulative distraction. Plus man. can be seen as LB->annoying bahavior. But you've acknowledged this error.

So you may have to take a different approach in dealing with her. When I had A on my WF, I was totally heartless. Much like your wife I was preoccupied with him being angry with me and what he wasn't doing. When he backed off and as time past, I thought about what I was doing. I felt horrible. I was trying to avoid that. Also I wanted our relationship but I wanted him to pursue me casually. I wanted him to do it more confidently, not desperately. I wanted him to let me know that he wanted me but he could be with me or without me. For you, you will have to observe what your WS is looking for. Of course, fillin her ENs as she will allows, but also listening to her and looking at her actions

"What I need to do is focus on work"

What is stopping you? Your current situation is a portion of your life. It is not your life as a whole. Take the time to focus on other things like your work too. Try not to let this consume you (easier said than done, right?)

The obstacles and difficulty you are facing now is for a time. This too shall pass.
Just my thoughts, opinions.

jgnc
You used the term braindump in an earlier post. From what I understand that is a technical computer term. Do you work with IT and would you answer a few A+, MCSE ? If you do.

freetobe,

only have time for a quick response so for now thank you for your insights. Yes I do work in the computer field but work on unix. I have no A+ MSCE exp. sorry.

J.

Hi. How are you doing? How has it been going?

I want to apologize. I realize that perhaps I have been too suggestive/overbearing in my wanting to give an insightful post that may help you.
Also, as I've taken inventory of my own situation. I realize that there is yet so much work for me to do. I really wish you the best and hope that everything will work out in your favor. If you don't mind I'd like for us to share progress in our sitautions from time to time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Freetobe,

No need to apologize. I apprecieated the post. There were some things in there I needed to hear. I'm slowly learning to pay attention to other things in my life. I was very busy over the weekend so there was no time to respond. Snow bike ride exhausted me on sat and sun I was playing housekeeper all day.

I had the first IC appt last week. I think it will go well. It will help me make the personal changes necessary for Plan A and to turn around things at work.

Unfortunately there is still contact. Yesterday he tried to contact her. She told me about it but I think only because she was pretty sure I had seen it already. I thanked her for telling me. I think she is making an effort but having a hard time with it. For now I'm just monitoring I suppose. We don't have an MC app until Jan because of holiday travel.

Just because there is a lot of work for you to do does not mean you have not learned a lot as well. Sharing progress is good. The one problem I have w/ the few people that know what's going on is that even though they are good friends they just don't know how to help me deal.

Hi JGNC,
I'm happy that there isn't any hard feelings or total annoyance with me.

Getting back to taking care of yourself?
That is good news. Did you enjoy the snow biking and housekeeping?

Is the IC moreso helping you focus on self or the M or both (everything)? I'm actually looking onto finding a MC. But I don't know if I can find one that will support MB. TO me the concepts aren't typical counselor advice.

Sorry to hear about contact. How are you handling it? Had you done any detachment exercises. One was referd to me on the site the other day.

Well I'm wishing you the best and everyone here.

Freetobe,

Snow biking is hard, I was not prepared for how hard. 1hr of it knocked me out for the rest of the day. I think it was 10pm when I finally considered moving off of the couch. Can't wait to do it again though. Housekeeping is well... necessary. She was working on her final paper for a class so I cleaned house.

The plan is for IC to help me handle the stress of the M and work so that I can make the changes necessary in both. IC has a very structured approach, which I like so far. We'll see how it works out. When I looked for a MC I did not find one that used MB principles but when I asked her questions on her approach it seemed MB compatible. Because my W is very cynical of marriage help books I have not discussed MB principles w/ her.

about contact, I was not to angry, mostly disappointed. I think I've somehow accepted that this will go on. Today I found that she had disabled logging and erased all old logs. I'm going to have to find another way. The only thing I am concerned about is that friday we leave for TX to see her family over the holidays, puts us very close to OM and I know she will need to do her Xmas shopping then. This is probably not a rational fear but it has been nagging at me for a while.

Hi.

Snowiwbiking took that much out of you after oly an hour. Sounds really
intense. Are you doing it again soon?

I am considering training for a sport. I've thought about that simulated
rock climbing that many gyms offer. I think is it very interesting.

I hope that the IC will be helpful in relieving stress.

ABout the being near OM. Since yo will be with her, won't you know where
she is going and what she is doing? If she tries to slip out without you
maybe you could ask with her. (Beat her to the punch). In that case you
would've put forth the effort. amybe send a relative with her.

So she has disabled logging. Someone on this site recommended a service that
allows you to get info on every keystroke that was hit during computer use.
I will try to find it and post it back.

Hope the wekedn will be nice for you.

I will definately be trying biking on snow again. Training for a sport is a part of my own self improvement plan and cycling is going to be it. Rock climbing sounds like a lot of fun. I have a few friends that are avid fans. My W and I considered it once. I say go for it.

Yes I will be near her but its just that nagging feeling. Actually since she disabled logging its more than just a nagging feeling. I will have to talk to her about my concerns as much as she will resent it.

JGNC
HI the keylogger thing I was telling you about is listd in Gen Question-> "Tips for catching spouses internet activites and other methods."

Thanks for the link. I now have a registered version but I have not installed it on her PC yet. To be honest I don't know if I will.

We'll be leaving town tomorrow so have a good holiday.

JGNC

You are welcome.
JGNC before you go, if you haven't already I have a question. What would you hope to achieve while being on your trip with your W?

That is a damn good question.

When I think of what I would want to see happen during this break I keep on thinking of things I would like her to see differently but I can't pin my hopes on her. Rather I can't change her.

What I would like to accomplish... I would like to make it through the week presenting a strong confident image . I would like to find the words that express why I do not believe things are fine the way they are.

J.

Gosh,
The question about what you hope to accomplish was posed to me by another poster. When I thought about it we hadn't addressed what you hpe to achieve.

So you know what you want to do for her or show her. What do you want to do for you? What do you want to get out of the time together? Something just for you.