I'm seeing my Dr. for anti-D's on friday. Seeing IC on thursday. I wish both could be sooner. I will talk to W about MC.

W doesn't know if she will be able to give me the emotional support I need right now. It helped to talk to her some but inevitably her panic about what is happening at work and her anger over her guilt prevail both of which leave me feeling worse. After talking about this work issue she no longer feels safe enough to commit to M (and she wonders why I didn't tell her sooner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ). Now I have to spend time reassuring her that I will do everything possible to turn things around while I'm bearly keeping myself together. I hate this.

J.

Oh, grad school, very cool.

Hi awed and JGNC

Oh my goodness so much has happened over the past couple days for both of you. I've been out of town and not as able to use a computer. I'm doing ok.

I want to post more little later.

I was wondering how you were doing.

J and awed I've been reading your post and having problems of my own. I'm sorry to hear of your H's slippage awed and J of W's choices.

But you guys really when it all comes down to it it seems to steer back to that little word. Decision. Decision, decision, decision. We all have to make them.

Well there is so much I would like to comment on but awed has done such a great job for me that I don't think i'd be able to add much. I'm back here and willing to listen/read.

I did have a few comments.

(quote from J in bold)

"W doesn't know if she will be able to give me the emotional support I need right now. "

Maybe W is preoccupied with her concerns right now, how are you at giving support to yourself? How is your self-talk?

"It helped to talk to her some but inevitably her panic about what is happening at work and her anger over her guilt prevail both of which leave me feeling worse."

Ok you accept that she is dealing with this in her own way, but for you hang on to knowing that you will survive. Though maybe everything seems to be going to hell in a hand basket for right now.

"After talking about this work issue she no longer feels safe enough to commit to M (and she wonders why I didn't tell her sooner ). "

J are you wrestling with W's response? This sounds very sefish and inconsiderate. But hey this is how W feels for now. Maybe it isn't the most ideal way that you would like for someone who cares about you to react but it might help to accept that for whatever reason this is her reaction.

It probably hurts that she is responding this way, but indeed you will survive. You will be ok. It is what it is for the moment. No more and no less. If you can make resolve with it, maybe you can just let it go.

awed so how are you handling the slippage?

As for me I am doing ok. To be honest I'm not quite sure of the road I'm taking. But I am at peace. To be very honest I'm taking it one day at a time and that is just fine with me.

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: freetobe ]</small>

J I wanted to make more sense of what I meant as it pertained to W's last response about not feeling she can commit to the M.

From your standpoint you might expect that this would be the time that W would come forward to support you through this situation. However her response seems to point in the other direction. Maybe it helps to explore why she feels as she does. Maybe it is because she feels she is the reason for your work suffering or that she is a hinderance. Or even that she is making an excuse to remove herself from the sitaution.

This point of view puts herself in the light more than having a interest in your well being and wanting to support you. I could see that this might be upsetting to deal with. But so that you can keep a clear head and focus instead of getting stuck at where she is, maybe it helps to accept it but not allow it to become a mental torture by thining yourself into an upset about it. But instead resolve to acknowledge it as it is and that is that.

Now maybe I am off base here. If so please let me know. But I really so wish you some personal peace and I really hope that things will turn around for you at work 100%.

The one bright spot is that W has agreed to restart MC. Also she is reaching out to her parents for support, though she is not telling them about the EA. She is trying to be supportive. The problem is the LBs when she can't be supportive. yes she seems more focused on herself and gives in to AOs and DJs when she does. She wonders why I did not tell her earlier and the answer is because of the LBs when I do bring things to her attention.

No I was not been very supportive. This all started because I could no longer contain the anger. I know that's bad. Like I said I wish I had gone into Plan B but that is no longer an option. Last night I felt like I had been kicked and kicked an kicked and then left for dead. Now I just don't have the energy to deal w/ explosive emotions and keep myself together and my job together. No amount of venting here can help like an honest conversation w/ her. So far she has been protected from the consequences of the EA but that doesn't happen because when she is confronted with the truth all hell breaks loose.

It is the unstability that is working against me. Right now she is being supportive, I don't know what will happen tonight. Like before she can be loving now and explosively angry the next. It is very difficult to live like that.

I know I sound very angry and I am (though not all the time). I also understand (thank you awed) that she is going through terrible guilt. Knowing about the work issues is only compounding this. I want to help her but don't know how to do it without sinking myself. I know.. detach, I never did a good job of that.

Friday we saw "Lost in Translation". It was a very difficult film to watch. Neither of us knew what it was about. Watching it was like watching her story w/ OM develop before my eyes, except my Ws story goes further. It was enlightening and really helped me understand how my W felt before the EA.

freetobe,

Your second post I think pretty much nails it. Thank you. Yes she is seeing herself as the cause of all of this and yes she does want to be supportive. She is also afraid that she does not have what it takes to be supportive and for that reason she is willing to go.

I am holdin off on separating. I will see where MC takes us.

J.

freetobe: great posts! Hope all's well with you....I like and support your one day at a time attitude...it's the only way to make it...

J: I don't know why you think you can't control your angry reaction...have you been trying all the outlets? Deep breathing, venting loudly...pounding the bed...strenuous exercise...

The anger is hurting YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am holdin off on separating. I will see where MC takes us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great news!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Friday we saw "Lost in Translation". It was a very difficult film to watch. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't do this to yourself again. Check the contents, and don't watch something that is going to trigger you. You have more than enough to deal with...don't add to it at ALL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to help her but don't know how to do it without sinking myself. I know.. detach, I never did a good job of that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So DO IT! Focus on work. You can't help her...you need to help youself first. As long as you are this angry, that will come through to her in some way. Focus on yourself, focus on your work.

That's the best way you can help her anyhow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No amount of venting here can help like an honest conversation w/ her. So far she has been protected from the consequences of the EA but that doesn't happen because when she is confronted with the truth all hell breaks loose. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect you mean a punishing conversation with her. If all hell breaks loose, then simply discard it as an option right now. YOU vent, by yourself, and work on other things.

Give yourself some space.

Gosh, I cannot stress this enough with you J. Please take some hard-earned advice here...ignore what you FEEL you should do...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Like before she can be loving now and explosively angry the next. It is very difficult to live like that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is recovery...it goes on for a long time...

Why can't you protect yourself from her anger? Can't you walk away and say we'll discuss this later?

Take care, both of you...awed

P.S. How am I handling slippage...further detachment and finally letting go of the fear...finding peace inside myself and getting used to being alone...trusting that everything I've done and everything I am doing is right for ME...accepting that I can do everything right and it doesn't mean the M will survive...

Does that help? I have given you two every possible hint and tip I've discovered. It takes time for you to feel better...it takes time for recovery...

And that is why I think it is great that you are taking things one day at a time freetobe...it is the only possibility as a matter of fact...

Be healthy...think healthy...stay healthy...you will make it...

HI guys.

You know, I think now is a trying time for us all. Yet, there is growth in the works if we hang in there.

Awed thank you for your post. It encouraged me. J thank you for your honesty. You have to be where you are at the moment but accept the possibility of there being change in us.

I am piggy backing awed a little but only because I have a concern for you. I appreciate the fact that you have been venting to us both about the anger issues that you are dealing with. When I posted to you I wanted to get accross to you that it is very much so warranted the anger that you feel. W's reactions may seem to make it so hard for you to achieve your desired result with her.

But I know that you can be happy (moreso content) in the midst of the difficulties with her and your job if you can accept things as they are.

The tendency in all of us is to want to change the circumstance and make it be as we would like it to be. Well usually there comes the problem of seeing that if things are just as we want them to be we have to make like a super hero who has the ability to bend reality. Unfortunately we don't have those abilities. Trying to pretend we do by taking on the world makes for a lot of heartache, self-induced heart ache. Yet we can be happy or more like content in it anyway. Boy how I wish I could be a superhero. That would be lovely. I'd be Wonderwoman.

While my intent is not to sound preachy, I do hope to encourage you. I think you are on the right track and you're giving it (your M, your life)all you have to give. Just gotta work with the anger part.

Anyway, I too have been dealing with anger. My anger stems from much of the past hurts that H has caused and some that are in the present. I'm taking a lot of time thinking things through and allowing the anger to dissolve.

This is definitely easier said than done. For me, I know that if I show anger it will only cause my H to be distracted by it instead of what I'm trying to get accross. With him he may try to do things that will pacify me instead of really hearing what I'm trying to say to him.

At the same time I want to heal myself ( that may sound strange) so that I can be sure of what I'm trying to convey to him. I'm trying to make sure I know where my hurts stem from because they aren't all about him. Some are personal and come from other places, parts, and times in my life.

Then I want to make changes that are good for me (and him)and that I can adhere to in the future. Long lasting changes. I know some of this may sound redundant but for me it is taking time to sort it all out.

So much for my update. awed I really hear what you are saying but I feel some concern for you and a little sadness too.

You are welcomed to do some venting here too. Right now your situation sounds a little grim but things do change sometimes for the better. Even if they don't I wish the best for you and believe as you noted that you will make it regardless. We all will.

For the three of us, I know that things will work out for our good. Have a great day guys.

One more thing:
awed I used your tip about venting the other day to my mom. I think it was an eye opening event because she sees my H as the SIL that can do no wrong. She sees me as the meanie. She and I have some recovery to do as well. But anywho it was somewhat helpful.

Hi J I saw you had been out here. If you are now, how's it going? I thought it was great that W agreed to MC and her is now family supporting her.

You know if there was one more that posted on our thread we'd have the sum of "Hobbits" to fellowship with the Ring or shall I say to fellowship with our quest in love and marriage.

Oh for the predictable success of such a movie that won all 11 Oscars it was nominated for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What can I say, I loved it too.

venting again,

There is something inherently unfair here. I know find myself having to reassure her all the time that my work situation will change and that I will not be losing my job. I am also making myself accountable to her by telling her everything that's going on at work so that she does not have to worry so much. I'm doing for her exactly what she has refused to do for me regarding the EA. Argh.

Today I was up a little late, which is still considerably earlier than usual and I get this nagging little comment... I understand she is scared about my work, since she doesn't work and will depend on me to get through grad school. Now she feels she needs to tell me exactly what I need to be doing to fix things. what makes me so mad is that everything is about her, she feels guilt and thinks that if I lose my job it will be her punishment. She is scared of the consequences to her. Right now the M is furthest from her mind she just wants to be sure that the stability returns to the household. Well that's just great. The state of the M is what is foremost in my mind and has been the reason for all of this. Typically, instead of addressing what is hurting me she wants to address what she thinks I need.

Before, I wasn't talking about a conversation to vent on her, Just a chance to talk openly and honestly. Despite my venting I am not looking to punish or hurt her just to get things of off my chest.

As far as unstability goes, yeah I know this will last a long time. I honestDepression, low self-esteem which fuels much of her anger has been going on for a long time. So now I find myself asking really tough questions like why did I get married who can't fulfill ENs. I remember asking myself before the wedding, how long will I be able to be w/ someone that is always depressed. I banished the thought and now I sometimes wish I hadn't.

well that's enough venting

I know I need to accept that this is just how it is right now and that there is only so much that I can affect. Work is definately up to me to turn around. W will be too concerned about work to really work on M so work will have to come first. I think though that at some point I'm going to tire of giving.

take care,
J.

feel a little better to vent. Have IC in 1/2 hr.

Like your hobbit reference. Great film, dunno if it deserved the Oscar, but hey I'm a little to much of a purist. I'm currently painting a map of middle-earth on a wall in our family/movie room. Parts of Two Towers still make me cringe. I almost yelled at the screen the first time I saw it. Return of the King was excellent but other films were good. I heard great things about Mystic River and Lost in Translation was excellent, I just should not have watched it.

take care,

J

I don't know if LOTR deserved so many Oscars myself. To be honest I watched the show more for purpose of increasing my fashion sense, I loved the gowns. I know who's cares, right?

Anyway the wall mural (hope I spelled that right) sounds really nice. You're an artist, huh? Oh what a talent to have. Hope your project turns out good.

About films, I'm thinking about seeing "Lost in Translation" (sorry that is was sad to see) since Frances Ford Coppolla's daughter (Sophia Coppolla) directed it and won an Oscar for it. I have enjoyed some of his work. Maybe the apple hasn't fallen too far from the tree. I like it when families are involved in the same industry.

I'm glad that you are venting here, J. This is definitely the place. I want to post more soon.

I need to get this off my chest. WHY THE HELL DID SHE HAVE TO CALL ME AT WORK TODAY.

I was doing just fine, being productive until she called.

It all starts because of the offer we got to take in a dog. I've wanted a dog for a long time. After some discussion we decide its not a good time for us to get a dog (good thing). However, for whatever stupid reason my eyes started to tear up while we talked. I could not believe it but it got me thinking. Why do I want a dog and it hit me that most of the recreational companionship going on is based around what she wants to do and I can agree too, this involves work around the house etc but it is not the same as being out on a nice day or taking a hike or other outdoor activity. I'm looking for a dog because my wife will not eanthusiastically fill this role. I felt so lonely at that moment.

Now I'm just angry and I can't shake it.

I've had so many down days recently I figured I'd post a possitive update.

Feeling better today. Although I'm still not concentrating as much as I would like it has improved conciderably. I talked to her yesterday, got some things off my chest, she listened to me and I listened to her. I'm stopping accepting responsibility for things that are not mine to fix or do and it is helping my mental state. I'm still talking to my doctor about anti-ds because even though I feel fine a lot those days that I don't I wish I hadn't passed them up.

I wouldn't call myself an artist by a long shot. I reserve that word for people that have spent the time and dedication to develop their talents. I have some raw undeveloped ability. Friends have always ecouraged me to develop it and even switch majors but the computer field a) called to me b) was more lucrative and c) was easier roll

I would love to develop it but that's really one of my problems, there are sooo many things I would love to develop. The map is going well, its nothing terribly fancy but hey, W likes it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Currently it is mostly penciled in on the wall, after that is done then its time to apply the inks. I have to many projects to work on.

Hope you are both doing well.

J.

Hi guy.

Boy sounds like you were going through a tough time. Glad to hear you bounced back. Well it is good you have some raw talent like that of art. You are probably modest when you refer to your talent. Not too many people can pencil something on the wall. Are you doing by a tracing pattern? If you are doing it by your own design then I know you must be pretty good at it. Maybe at some time if your interest should grow stronger (toward) you may want to pursue it. It is good to hear that you have somethig like this that comes from you naturally.

To be honest I don't have a career going for myself. I hate to admit it but I'm in the process of trying to develop one. Hey I know we all have to start somewhere. As a bit of a side talent, I sing. So I've wanted to develop it but have no earthly idea where to start. Sometimes I wish I had a talent more like art that is like a special something which allows you to express yourself. Singing is sort of different in the aspect. Anywway so much about that.

(Quote by J in bold)


"I'm looking for a dog because my wife will not eanthusiastically fill this role. I felt so lonely at that moment."


J, as I read your coment about the dog and your wife with recreational companionship, I too felt teary and upset for you. I can understand very much so how upsetting and painful it must be for you with W not wanting to spend time in a recreational way. It sounds like it is really starting to dawn on you, the frustration of not having something that you really would like to have with W.

The love deficits seem to be mounting up. What does it mean for you that W isn't being a part of your life as it pertains to recreational companionship? Is this something you can talk to her about?

take care.

Hey guys! Good!!! We're talking about other things...this is SO healthy...J you are getting better...hear me on this bud...you just keep it up!

Rollercoaster...up and down...up and down...before it was just down and when you came here you vented then left for a while right? So now you are using it for the vent and to post progress and to rant and to query...I think this is the strength of this place in part...

Okay: I love the movies. I have been a fan since I first read the books as a young child. I first read ALL the appendices when I was 14 (free -- they are really long and most people NEVER read them!).

I too cringed at parts of II -- no need to "improve" on a masterpiece. And I've heard lots of dissing because people find III too "gay" with all the guys kissing and hugging and crying...hey! That's how it happened but much much longer in the book. It is a kind of heroic love, non-sexual. The relationships were deep and loyal...they were leaving each other for the rest of their lives. I've cried each time I've read the book.

You can say I am a fan!

And free, not only the gowns but the scenery, the action, the sheer breathtaking HUGENESS of it all...amazing rendition of a classic.

Whew!~ Wordy ol me...

J: paint away. Free: sing away. All of the extra-stuff I've been working on for the past 6 months is working wonders in my soul. I wish I could tell you what's happening in my life but I don't know. It's rather mysterious and the future holds many possibilities.

J: let go. Please. It feels better. Cut and paste the lines you wrote (I don't have your post in front of me as I write this) but you said you feel better. Remind yourself of that. Let it go. You need to do this to stay sane. You are only at the beginning of the road.

And think about ending the M, but know that you are a long way from doing so. Thinking gives you a mental break, you know, when you need to just scream out: IT IS NOT FAIR! I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!!

You will know when you are there when it no longer hurts and no longer makes you angry. Until then, it is a long haul.

And you know what else? I don't think it is worthwhile thinking what if. I was just talking to someone else earlier tonight...she said she was questionning her M in the same way.

You did what you did for the reasons that seemed right to you at the time. You too free...even more so I would say because you will have a beautiful beloved child from your union.

Regret is a useless emotion, a waste of time. If you regret, then analyze and decide what changes you will make to prevent the same mistake again.

We already know...we are here. We are learning. We will not make the same mistake again. So just drop the regret and spend your precious life and mental energy thinking how much fun you are going to have in the future...painting a mural, going for long walks in the woods, singing your heart out, or slaving in grad school! I hope I hope...it is a long-shot because the odds are totally against me...very small program, lots of competition.

Anyhow: I have had a good week...perhaps you can tell??? I have moved past the fear and feel free. I am an impatient person, liking to take charge of whatever is bothering me. I don't let things fester usually. So MB has been agony for me.

Intellectually I understood I needed to move past fear but seemed unable to do so.

Guess what? TIME. Give it time. Let yourself proceed at the pace you need to do so.

Okay: I hope this was positive and chatty, not preachy and self-satisfied. But what the heck! I'm alive and on the verge of my new life. Feels real good...

you two take care...I am up to my eyeballs in work these days but try and check in as I can...I wish it was more often than it is, or rather, that I could post as often as I used to, but fiscal year-end means lots of work in a very compressed time...bad side of consulting but the pay more than compensates...awed

Oh yeah: J, I hate the thought of anti-Ds. I suspect it is some sort of corporate conspiracy actually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Nevertheless, you need to work and have been struggling a lot...think about it carefully.

I was/am going through a tough time. Just 1 hr ago I was thinking maybe looking for anti-d was overkill but I went anyway. After I get back I called W to checkin w/ her. She was glad I went. Then she asks me if the car payment got in on time because the current statement did not show it. I checked and I don't know how it happened but I never paid it. The world just seem to crumble at that moment. I guess I do need the anti-ds afterall.

I'm using an art class trick I saw a friend use in highschool, you draw a grid over what you are trying to copy and then a grid on your paper (or wall in this case) then you focus on copying each square, which is much easier. Its like assembling a puzzle after that.

My W tells me that I'm too modest, I just look at the work of artists I admire in comparison and know I'm not remotely in that league but someday maybe. Up until D-Day I was really putting effort into miniature painting, but have not touched it since. I think I may finally pick up a brush but it seems like I'll have to relearn everything I was just getting the hang off. Once I considered a career in art but that was when I was really depressed in college so I wouldn't consider it a real attempt.

Don't down singers, my sister studied voice (opera) and sings w/ two national choirs. Someday she may even get paid. Talk about the grass being greener, oddly enough I often wished I had a talent like music that allowed me to express myself. My brother and sister inherited my dad's musical talent. Father has talent he never developed my brother and sister did. Actually I bro got the artistic genes as well, he's the type that can copy something freehand. I tried music and failed. Someday I may try again. I love music. I could not live life w/out it. So I guess it kinda bites when you love something but don't have the talent to create it. I guess the lesson is be happy with and develop the talents you do have.

One of the things my W has always been great at is encouraging me to develop my talents. The best birthday presents have always been gifts she gave me to help me pursue art. I've often hoped that if she ever published a story or novel that I would illustrate for her.

Anyway just rambling now cause I'm down now and it feels good to think about these things.

Hey good to hear that you are developing a career, the important thing is that you are doing something not the circumstances leading up to it. Failure is when one stops trying (my opinion). I hope everything works out well for you. What are you working for if I may ask?

It's a tough economic environment. I see my W try to cope with that everyday and it is rough. In my field we keep on seeing our jobs head to India and wonder how much longer we can last. I guess that's the nature of a global economy. That would be the irony of ironies, if I busted my butt to turn things around only to have the work send to India. dark humor I know.

about RC. it's not that she won't, she says she enjoys anything we do. We talked about it and she said just name it, and that she would love to do any recreation. But she's said that before, like w/ SF. In the past 'anytime' meant anytime SHE feels like it. So its hard to trust. I guess the problem is that she does not seem to value it. She'd rather work on the house or take classes, she's always looking for improvement. She's always looking for the next accomplishment. She is never satisfied, me... I'm a "smell the roses" kinda guy. She probably feels the same way because I don't seem to value what she wants. interesting. I will do my best to take her word this time and give her a chance.

Those deficits have been piling up since we were married. On both sides I think. I've just always believed we could make it better. Maybe it was just self-deception. I really don't know. Depression was/is a really hard thing to deal with. I never learned to detach. As a result I think I started hurting her from day one. Maybe the things I am learning here will make a difference. There's yet another book I saw about living with a depressed loved one that I need to check out (as well as Awed's recomendation).

Feeling better after ranting for an hour so time to head out.

HI guys.

awed I heard you loud and clear about the "what ifs". I know that for me they make for more upset and frustration than happiness and progress. Oh by-the-wy I'm so Glad to read the perkiness in your post. You are usually perky but your post seems to read that you are even perkier (I know that's not a word). I'm happy for you.

J, you too sound more optimistic. I'm glad also that we are talking about more than our loved ones and other things that we appreciate in life for the moment.

What is in order for the weekend. You guys doing anything special? Well awed I know you'll be busy. I'm actually going to workout this weekend. This is something I hadn't been able to do for a time. But I'm happy to jump back into it.

J at the time I'm a domestic engineer as they call it. So I'm actually looking to develop a career. I have many interest so I'm working in the area of assessing my aptitudes that would benefit me best toward a particular field.

I have a question for you both. Remember how I mentioned once earlier that everything has moved to quickly between my H and I that we hadn't had a chance to actually cultivate a R.

I've been thinking about us starting over and I wonder what you guys think about this. How realistic does this sound? Give me your feedback on what you think about it.

To clarify starting over, I guess I mean taking the time to actually date again, learning to talk and communicate with each (something that is very minited between us), learning not to lean toward each other selfishly. And for me cultivating a sentiment of being with a person because you (he and I) sincerely want to not because you don't have someone else to be with at the time.

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: freetobe ]</small>

Well...this is preeeeeetty funny...the program is in conflict resolution! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Yup...kinda ironic. I was originally going to apply to the program last year when my M fell completely apart (the A was ongoing but I didn't know it at the time). My dad died, I was the executrix, lots of stress, and here was my H yelling at me each and every day! One day he'd berate me for not dealing with my brother, the next for dealing with him! Doing 180s and yelling at me from both ends but that didn't seem to bother him at all.

Complex, guilt-ridden guy my H...couldn't stand the way my brother was "disrepecting" me...pretty "funny" in hindsight...hmmmmm?

I kicked him out...it was at the end of a long long time of conflict between us (in hindsight, while the A was ongoing!)...I just said, I don't know who you are any more but I cannot believe how you are treating me at such a stressful time in MY life. (It was all about HIM you see.)

Then...mistake #1...I let him come back home because he PROMISED he'd go to counselling. I'd been asking him to since the previous year -- which happened to be when the PA had just started!!! You see, this is one of the things I've learned. I wasn't fooled after all. My gut was telling me something was terribly wrong, I just didn't have the information to correctly process it.

Anyhow: all hindsight, all pretty interesting in retrospect.

Needless to say, I did not apply to the program in the midst of such a life crisis. I was an emotional wreck and knew that a failure at that point would not be good for me. As it turned out, the rest of the year was terrible so it's a very good thing I didn't apply!

This is why I sat down and thought for about 3 hours one day. What did I want to do? If I waited another year...well that was another year. And I decided: no more putting my life on hold for this man and this relationship. I must be my own focus for a change.

It is helping immensely.

Which is why I cannot encourage you enough to move forward aggressively with your plans for yourself, whatever they may be...a dog (I love them and think they are one of the best things you can do for your emotional health!), a hobby, a work-related effort.

I've reclaimed my life for myself: started bellydancing, kung fu and yoga (each great and different), reaching out to old friends, re-establishing social contacts in order to create a new social circle outside of the current one with my H, making new friends, applying for school, actively seeking new work, getting involved in new projects, etc. I have two more things on my list: I want to volunteer with Big Sisters and start to have a nightlife separate from my H.

Recovery/MLC...don't know anymore which is which. But his effect on me during this time of internal turmoil is negative and he can't explain anything other than guilt. I need to leave him to figure out himself while I get on with my stuff and feeling good about me, with or without him.

Again J, I see that you will be facing these same hurdles in recovery. EVERYTHING you can put in place now will be there as a support when you need it.

If it's a dog, then get it! Outdoor activity, unbelievable love, quiet companionship...all such a huge comfort.

Keep up that artwork although a more vigorous, less solitary pursuit would also be a good idea.

Which reminds me, I never did post my reply to you. Ummmm: the media I was in was newspapers and radio, then communications flak, then freelancer, then consultant. I make a healthy income now in the HR field because I am good at what I do but also because I do well in conflict situations! Funny huh? I do direct faciliation and training, but the field itself is rife with conflict...people feel strongly about their paychecks and the work I do is in classification -- determines their pay.

The reason I wanted to add conflict resolution to my bag of tricks is because it is a growth field in HR, and a portable skill. Right now, I am forced to remain where I am because of my client base. Conflict resolution is a portable skill (conflict exists everywhere, in every country, in every language!).

And I am sick of working in front of the computer. I'd rather incorporate an ongoing people component to my work. I love working with people.

Off my soapbox and back into the trenches. My elbows get sore I am writing so much at this time of year...sucks actually!

J, hang in there bud. Free: hope you are feeling better these days...I keep forgetting to ask...awed